Hi hvml - I wondered on your other thread who cooked the meals - and really I was asking "Do you do everything for everyone in the household?" - and effectively , you do. Amazing.
Is the house your father's?
If so, it seems to me that your brother and his wife have had one cushy deal for the past 3 years - in the name of your 'role' as primary carer. I hope that they are, at least paying their way. And maybe even paying you as the one who gave up her job - clearly s-I-l has no intention of doing so (I am NOT suggesting she should either) - and I do wonder how serious your brother is, especially if he won't do the messy stuff once in a while to give you a break. Is this all just a coded way for him to be able to put your father into a home because he won't be able to cope? Apologies if I am being cynical - but he can't even eat at the same table as your father without causing a fuss over table manners and that doesn't bode well.
And your partner is an angel! Lucky you. The sooner you are back together the better - April is a LONG way off (why then? not sooner?)
So - until then
yes a carer's assessment but also a re-assessment of your father's needs. I am assuming he would self-fund any care - if so, please look immediately into getting regular carer visits ASAP. Someone to deal with his morning routine would free up your time and let you and your brother see if home care visits are viable when you leave. Maybe a bedtime visit too - with some day care and overnight respite.
I assume your father is OK with the new arrangements being made.
With care visits in place you can have some time to recharge your batteries and be fresher for your time with your father. If you can't drive yourself, is your father able to go out in a wheelchair so that you could use a taxi which specifically takes a wheelchair and have a few outings together. Maybe have some movie afternoons and get popcorn and watch a favourite dvd?
I'm sorry, I can't resist this any longer - if your s-I-l thinks the carer role means that you do everything you list, PLEASE be aware that you are caring for YOUR FATHER so any chores are related to HIM ie his washing and ironing (personally I don't iron at all), cleaning only rooms he uses, making only meals he eats etc - how can 2 ADULTS live in a shared house and not do her and his FAIR share of the chores?! You may not be in paid work but you are worth your weight in diamonds!!!!
Sorry - I know what you do you do for your father, he's a lucky man. But you are an individual in your own right and should be appreciated!