Registered User
Oct 22, 2004
I'll try not to ramble on too much, but I have provided a bit of background to my questions - though, any reader here has probably heard it all before!

My 86 yr old mother has been diagnosed with A.D for 3-years now. I moved back home to look after her - I'm on my own with this! With the help(?) of SS, we tried to get her to try two Day Centres, but she rejected both - institutional atmosphere? And, anyway, the staff there say, 'they cannot force someone to stay against their will.' So, the only real break I get is when 'Crossroads' send a visitor for 4-hrs once-a-week.

The SS have set-up an account for me to pay a carer, but I have to find someone myself (for the 10-hrs care that the council would pay for). I'm not sure I'm going to have much luck with this! I've looked in the Situations Wanted pages of 'The Lady,' magazine, but carers I've contacted mainly want 'live in' posts - I'm reluctant to have someone lodging here - but, no choice? Should I perservere with ads in the magazine, and place my own?

I'm trying to delay putting my mother in a Home for as long as I can, mainly because they are £35,000+ p.a: the house would have to be sold and I'd soon be cleaned-out! And, of course, there's Inheritance Tax to look forward to...Thank you Brown, you s.o.b!

I think she's deteriorating now; and the effects of Aricept seem to be wearing-off - it'll probably be stopped by the doctor soon. I'm not sure how much longer I'll be able to just leave her (for a while) when I go shopping, etc.

A few years back, a neighbour's husband had A.D. and she tells me she just, 'pushed him out the door' when the coach arrived to take him to the Day Centre. Should I just try this, as she may soon be unaware of what's going on, anyway?

I'd much appreciate any views - perhaps based on experience, on this kind of situation.

Thank you.


Registered User
Dec 4, 2005
isle of man
Hi Stepan

I think you are very brave to have moved back home to look after your mum. I know with my mum who's 85 nearly 86 was offered the opportunity to go to a community centre - the group met once a week and offered a wide range of activities. My mum went once and could never be persuaded to go again. She felt (in her heart somewhere I'm convinved) that there was some stigma attached to going to such a gathering. My mum you see has always been a little bit of a snob!

We got someone to live in with her in the home (mon-Fri) and at weekends my brothers and sisters who are living at home spent weekends. I am luckey in that there are 7 of us to share the care.

In the end when my mum got an infection - there was no alternative but for her to go into a nursing home - to recuperate - she never did. As I write I have just found out that the Doctors believe she has but a week to live - we pray she does not know where she is (in a phyciatric unit) but I guarantee you the care she's getting is second to none. You cant do it on your own long term - surely SS will contribute to the cost of providing care for your mum - this illness can go on and on and rob you of any relationship or love you had for your mum - find out what options are available for your mum - as I've seen on this sight - hound them until you get satisfaction - if nothing else you will know you are doing everything you can.

best wishes



Registered User
Nov 15, 2005

Do you have a local alzheimers group? They can arrange a home visitor, which might give you a brief break.

Re adverts, this is something I've thought about myself. If I was going to do it, I'd use the local newspaper.


Registered User
Oct 9, 2003
Birmingham Hades
HI Stepan
I receive direct payments from the council and I use Crossroads for sitting services.
They bill me every month,I think they are more expensive than some agencies but who cares
Hope this helps

Nutty Nan

Registered User
Nov 2, 2003
I am sure the Alzheimer's Society will help you, but as far as managing direct payments is concerned, try contacting the 'Direct Payments Advisory Service', it is also called 'People's Voices', and their email is
If you don't want to advertise in the local paper or employ a carer directly, you could use a carer from an Agency - I had no idea there were so many of them until I started investigating this a few weeks ago!
All the best!


Registered User
Oct 22, 2004
Thank you for the replies. I'll respond to some of your points, as you made them:

..."but as far as managing direct payments is concerned, try contacting the 'Direct Payments Advisory Service', it is also called 'People's Voices.'"
I don't have a problem with the DP scheme as such, the problem IS with having to find someone suitable myself. I'm not sure what the DPAS could help me with, but I'll see what they have to say - thank you:)

..."you could use a carer from an Agency."
Actually, the social worker who's been attached to us advised against using agencies! She has found that agencies frequently change carers (assigning them elsewhere, if there are staff shortages); they tend to use 'casual' labour with a minimum of training; the carers soon move on if they find a better paid job; and they tend to be immigrants with only a minimal acquaintance with things.

..."surely SS will contribute to the cost of providing care for your mum."
Not if the 'client' has more than £20,000 in savings, etc., I am led to believe.

"I receive direct payments from the council and I use Crossroads for sitting services."
Unfortunately, Crossroads (in this London borough) will only provide one person, once-a-week.

"Do you have a local alzheimers group? They can arrange a home visitor, which might give you a brief break."
The local Alzheimer's Society were the first people I contacted after my mother was diagnosed; and I'm still angry about the way I was treated. I won't go into too much much detail about this, it was over a year ago, and if I was going to make a complaint that was the time to do it, but I just didn't feel I wanted to go through it then, you understand? Anyway, the story was that there was just one woman running the branch, and she was looking for an assistant. At first she was very helpful with advice for filling-in forms for 'attendance allowance,' etc. Several weeks went by, but when I tried to re-contact her by email and phone messages I got no response. I spoke to someone in an adjacent office asking if she'd pass on that I was trying to reach her. It was then that she really 'blew a fuse.' I got a one-and-a-half page email from her complaining that I didn't appreciate how busy she was; that I shouldn't expect her to 'drop everything'; that if I wanted to complain, she'd tell me who to contact at Head Office; and NO! I couldn't go to another branch, etc, etc. I emailed back that she'd over-reacted, that she only had to give a simple acknowledgement if she was that 'snowed under'. I ended it there. Some time later, in the local council's 'freebie' newspaper, there was an article from her stating how much she loved the job, and how committed to others she is...24/7! I almost fell off my chair.

I'll keep trying to get my mother to go to the Day Centre, but at the moment she just won't have it. And maybe I'll have some luck with placing an ad for a carer?

Any further comments/advice would be much appreciated.