Care home

[GillieP]

hi everyone
Ive just joined the forum. My mum has advanced dementia. My dad (he is 90) is her main carer with myself popping in daily and carers go in each morning to get mum washed and dressed. Ive reduced my hours at work. On a day to day basis weve been fine. As we come into better weather my family hope to go on holiday but i worry leaving them.
The carers are great but dementia is 24-7.
My dad has just had an operation for cancer, so he has less energy. Hes said he doesnt want to do another winter looking after Mum but not hes wavering.
We have a good social worker . Weve not had a financial review yet. What does this entail? Are joint accounts taken into account weve had conflicting advice?
Ive been to visit a good care home yesterday. It has a waiting list. It was very good but didnt have many ensuite rooms, which i found surprising? They said they use sensor pads so if they move at night the nurses pager beeps. It is for long term care it doesnt do respite.
My mum is an anxious vascular dementia. The anxiety (panic attacks) makes the dementia much worse. Mum is not aggressive but can be non cooperative.
Both my dad and i feel very guilty about mum going into a home. Shes still mobile, most days, feeds herself, takes herself to the toilet etc, but apart from that does nothing for herself anymore.
I want to make an informed decision. Look for a home, find a good one, get on the waiting list. Instead of it being very last minute rushed and we have to take what bed is available.
Then we have a good day with mum and we carry on. It’s such a difficult decision.
Dad says to mum you dont want to go in a home do you ? She shakes her head (she not very verbal now).
The home i went to see yesterday has 3 on the waiting list all ready. Is this a long wait short wait ?
We are seeing the social worker again on Monday to discuss finances and respite.
Apologies for all the questions.
Thanks

 

[SAP]

Hello @GillieP. There is no such thing as too many questions so no need to apologise.
With regards to the funding, joint accounts are seen as a 50/50 split, so half will be counted towards your mum’s care payments if it takes her over the £23,500 threshold. Herstate pension will be used along with half of any private pension she may get. The house, if owned will be discounted because your dad is in it.
My mum went into a care home whilst she was still mobile and fairly able to manage most of her personal care. She just was not safe on her own in her house. In your mums case, your dad will eventually get to breaking point and so it may be in everyone’s best interest for her to get 24/7 care in a safe environment and your dad can visit her and be her husband rather than her carer. It is tough but you need to think ahead in case your dad’s health also becomes an issue.
I would say 3 on a waiting list is quite short , turn around in carehomes can be fairly quick for obvious reasons.
Maybe try a respite placement for a week to see how that feels and then take things from there.

 

[Kevinl]

"her state pension" not his, mums state pension not dad's will be used to fund care.
Other than that I think from what you say a nursing home rather than a care home might be what you should be looking for possibly, if she has medical needs too. K

 

[SAP]

@Kevinl thanks for pointing out my error 🫢

 

[Sarasa]

Welcome to Dementia Support Forum @GillieP. I think putting your mum's name on the waiting list is a good idea. If she reaches the top of the list and you are still not sure you can decline the bed and still stay on the list. I'd go and look at several other places too. Even if you don't think they are places you'd seriously consider it will give you an idea of how each care home differs.
A move into care can be daunting, but it will mean you and your dad can revert to being husband and daughter rather than frazzled carers.

 

[GillieP]

Hi Everyone,
Thank you for your replies and information.
We met with the social worker yesterday. Her Mum is in a residential home with Dementia. My Mum would be classed as "Residential with Dementia".
Although no names were mentioned, she told us of two of her families who had dithered and reached crisis point, and the social worker was struggling to find "good" placements for them as an emergency. I think this swayed us, and we are putting Mum's name on the waiting list for the home I visited. I do not want to be in this position with Mum, whereby she is placed in a home we are not happy with.
Even if we get funding, there is a top-up fee, but this is manageable. Another home is recommended, but they want £600 per month top-up, and some want £500 per week top-up. Each home has waiting lists and does not do repsite, unfortunately.
Thanks again

 

[GillieP]

ps- for the financial review I have been told I will need 3 months bank statements.

 

[Spottydog]

I'm grappling with the guilt of the care home situation too so I do sympathise... It is so tricky to get the timing right, especially as it sounds like your dad has mixed feelings. It sounds like you have a good social worker advising you if they have their own lived experience with dementia. Local authorities seem to have their own rules about how they do the financial assessment. My dad's pension goes into a joint account with me (I contribute nothing to the joint account) and the balance was split in half when the assessment was done. So I think whatever is in the joint accounts gets split in half at the point they do the assessment, but 'new' money coming in, eg. Your mums pension will be treated as hers and your dad's as his. I did my dad's one over a Microsoft teams call holding up bits of paper and logging into online banking!