Care Home Update

[Andyp101]

Hi All,

I'm sorry for the absence for this site. I resolved to return to let everybody know how Mum is getting on in her CH. It has been five weeks now. It was going to be a humourous piece about my Mum and how well she is being locked after (and she is) but recent events have overtook me a little.

Anyway, a bit of background. I have been caring for Mum for 2 years by myself 24/7. She is 81 and in the latter stages of dementia. Toward the end of our time she was getting difficult, occasionally aggressive, nearly always sharp, always depressed and angry. I had no help as the family had (through issues too long to go into here but on other threads) withdrawn what little labour they offered in favour of spite and vitriol.

It took a long time to find a suitable CH. Mum went in and loved it. It is questionable how much she knows but she is happy, loving and loved.

The SW visited her today. It took her 25 minutes to get Mum from the dining room to her room. A 2 minute walk lengthened by Mum's insistence on stopping at every staff member and hugging them, kissing them and telling them she loves them. This is including the 2 men from outside who have come to repair the lift.

I bought her a new dress last weekend. She thought it was too nice for her to wear, insisting I wear it. I was tempted but that's another forum entirely.

One of the staff approached me about showering my Mum. I knew this was difficult. Mum would scream, shout, cry. It used to tear my heart out. She did the same here. The woman went home in tears. She said, 'Your Mum is such a sweetie, I felt horrible causing her so much pain'. You could argue the woman she be used to such things being a veteran of the care industry but I look upon it as a compliment to my Mum's normal behaviour. Mum is a sweetie.

I have arranged with the Manager for them to try bathing my Mum. To see if she will be more responsive.

All the usual trials and tribulations. However, I have been feeling incredibly lost. I wander around my Mum's house, trying to pack, trying to move to another house still close to the CH but a fresh start if you like. It is so sad. Mum's physical capability has dropped alarmingly. Her mental stability has also suffered a battering. I said to the SW today that I just want to hold Mum and not let any of the bad stuff near. The family, the dementia, the ageing, the bad memories, any and everything bad. I just want to hold onto her.

 

[kindred]

Hi All,

I'm sorry for the absence for this site. I resolved to return to let everybody know how Mum is getting on in her CH. It has been five weeks now. It was going to be a humourous piece about my Mum and how well she is being locked after (and she is) but recent events have overtook me a little.

Anyway, a bit of background. I have been caring for Mum for 2 years by myself 24/7. She is 81 and in the latter stages of dementia. Toward the end of our time she was getting difficult, occasionally aggressive, nearly always sharp, always depressed and angry. I had no help as the family had (through issues too long to go into here but on other threads) withdrawn what little labour they offered in favour of spite and vitriol.

It took a long time to find a suitable CH. Mum went in and loved it. It is questionable how much she knows but she is happy, loving and loved.

The SW visited her today. It took her 25 minutes to get Mum from the dining room to her room. A 2 minute walk lengthened by Mum's insistence on stopping at every staff member and hugging them, kissing them and telling them she loves them. This is including the 2 men from outside who have come to repair the lift.

I bought her a new dress last weekend. She thought it was too nice for her to wear, insisting I wear it. I was tempted but that's another forum entirely.

One of the staff approached me about showering my Mum. I knew this was difficult. Mum would scream, shout, cry. It used to tear my heart out. She did the same here. The woman went home in tears. She said, 'Your Mum is such a sweetie, I felt horrible causing her so much pain'. You could argue the woman she be used to such things being a veteran of the care industry but I look upon it as a compliment to my Mum's normal behaviour. Mum is a sweetie.

I have arranged with the Manager for them to try bathing my Mum. To see if she will be more responsive.

All the usual trials and tribulations. However, I have been feeling incredibly lost. I wander around my Mum's house, trying to pack, trying to move to another house still close to the CH but a fresh start if you like. It is so sad. Mum's physical capability has dropped alarmingly. Her mental stability has also suffered a battering. I said to the SW today that I just want to hold Mum and not let any of the bad stuff near. The family, the dementia, the ageing, the bad memories, any and everything bad. I just want to hold onto her.

 

[Hazara8]

Hi All,

I'm sorry for the absence for this site. I resolved to return to let everybody know how Mum is getting on in her CH. It has been five weeks now. It was going to be a humourous piece about my Mum and how well she is being locked after (and she is) but recent events have overtook me a little.

Anyway, a bit of background. I have been caring for Mum for 2 years by myself 24/7. She is 81 and in the latter stages of dementia. Toward the end of our time she was getting difficult, occasionally aggressive, nearly always sharp, always depressed and angry. I had no help as the family had (through issues too long to go into here but on other threads) withdrawn what little labour they offered in favour of spite and vitriol.

It took a long time to find a suitable CH. Mum went in and loved it. It is questionable how much she knows but she is happy, loving and loved.

The SW visited her today. It took her 25 minutes to get Mum from the dining room to her room. A 2 minute walk lengthened by Mum's insistence on stopping at every staff member and hugging them, kissing them and telling them she loves them. This is including the 2 men from outside who have come to repair the lift.

I bought her a new dress last weekend. She thought it was too nice for her to wear, insisting I wear it. I was tempted but that's another forum entirely.

One of the staff approached me about showering my Mum. I knew this was difficult. Mum would scream, shout, cry. It used to tear my heart out. She did the same here. The woman went home in tears. She said, 'Your Mum is such a sweetie, I felt horrible causing her so much pain'. You could argue the woman she be used to such things being a veteran of the care industry but I look upon it as a compliment to my Mum's normal behaviour. Mum is a sweetie.

I have arranged with the Manager for them to try bathing my Mum. To see if she will be more responsive.

All the usual trials and tribulations. However, I have been feeling incredibly lost. I wander around my Mum's house, trying to pack, trying to move to another house still close to the CH but a fresh start if you like. It is so sad. Mum's physical capability has dropped alarmingly. Her mental stability has also suffered a battering. I said to the SW today that I just want to hold Mum and not let any of the bad stuff near. The family, the dementia, the ageing, the bad memories, any and everything bad. I just want to hold onto her.

Five weeks is not a long period of time in which to 'adapt' to the Care Home. There will be ups and downs. Water becomes something quite different for the dementia afflicted, when the normal motivation to wash, has vanished. It can be received as an invasion, a physical invasion, a shock. Particularly on face or head. A fear. Not always, of course. Each case is different. It is often best not to ask whether someone wishes to bathe. Simply find a way in which you can enter the bathroom in a roundabout way. via distractions. Give a towel, something soft to sit on. Prepare that room and if there is success, make it a routine thing. Perhaps there will be just the one Carer, who 'clicks' with your mother. If one can create a calm and pleasant and positive mood, prior to this procedure and 'drift' into it, this can often work. But the trial and error is really part and parcel of CARE, with a real awareness as to how the individual reacts, behaves, and so on. There are dignity issues too, depending on whether the person concerned is aware of that. Only you will probably have a clear understanding of the past regime in this respect. Such is the role of 'Care', just a small part of it and something not always appreciated in the outside world. And then there is YOU. The Carer, now detached. At a distance. Feeling as you would long to be blessed with an extended arm, something almost supernatural, enabling you to take hold of your mother's hand and keep hold, at all times, to comfort and console. Yet, of course, you cannot. That 25 minute walk from the Dining Room, with its touching moments, illustrates what in many ways, is so very, very meaningful and important. Your mother was not stressed, not agitated, fearful, nor confused or unhappy. In fact she expressed what is so fundamentally important in this strange world of dementia - a state of joy. Yes, not perhaps the way we perceive it - but in 'dementia world' that is what it is, because you see it on a person's face and in that genuine embrace. These moments, in good care, are highly respected. They really matter. However brief, they really do matter.

Day to day. This is how I ventured along the 'dementia' path. Trying not to expect anything, so as not to receive a shock. Trying, whenever possible, not to IMAGINE things which were not happening. Stress is all-consuming, distorts so much. The Home sounds like a very good place for your mother to be. Allow a little more time, for the 'settling' process. And allow yourself some respite too. And see whether your next visit to see 'Mum' turns out to be completely different from the one you might have been expecting?

 

[father ted]

So glad your Mum has settled so well, it must make a very hard decision easier to bear knowing that she is happy.
My Mum settled well too and has been in her home 4 months. Like your Mum she is very attached to the staff and enjoys chatting with them.
Clearing out her home must be hard for you and I hope that whilst you are still caring for and visiting Mum new avenues will open up for you and you will have the opportunity to try new things........
but I would advise against wearing your Mum's dresses, who knows where that could lead!

 

[DollyBird16]

I said to the SW today that I just want to hold Mum and not let any of the bad stuff near

Hi
I so relate to your words. I often give my Mum hugs probably longer than she wants to be there, and yes I feel like I’m keeping it all away from her even for a short while.
Take care. X

 

[70smand]

Hi All,

I'm sorry for the absence for this site. I resolved to return to let everybody know how Mum is getting on in her CH. It has been five weeks now. It was going to be a humourous piece about my Mum and how well she is being locked after (and she is) but recent events have overtook me a little.

Anyway, a bit of background. I have been caring for Mum for 2 years by myself 24/7. She is 81 and in the latter stages of dementia. Toward the end of our time she was getting difficult, occasionally aggressive, nearly always sharp, always depressed and angry. I had no help as the family had (through issues too long to go into here but on other threads) withdrawn what little labour they offered in favour of spite and vitriol.

It took a long time to find a suitable CH. Mum went in and loved it. It is questionable how much she knows but she is happy, loving and loved.

The SW visited her today. It took her 25 minutes to get Mum from the dining room to her room. A 2 minute walk lengthened by Mum's insistence on stopping at every staff member and hugging them, kissing them and telling them she loves them. This is including the 2 men from outside who have come to repair the lift.

I bought her a new dress last weekend. She thought it was too nice for her to wear, insisting I wear it. I was tempted but that's another forum entirely.

One of the staff approached me about showering my Mum. I knew this was difficult. Mum would scream, shout, cry. It used to tear my heart out. She did the same here. The woman went home in tears. She said, 'Your Mum is such a sweetie, I felt horrible causing her so much pain'. You could argue the woman she be used to such things being a veteran of the care industry but I look upon it as a compliment to my Mum's normal behaviour. Mum is a sweetie.

I have arranged with the Manager for them to try bathing my Mum. To see if she will be more responsive.

All the usual trials and tribulations. However, I have been feeling incredibly lost. I wander around my Mum's house, trying to pack, trying to move to another house still close to the CH but a fresh start if you like. It is so sad. Mum's physical capability has dropped alarmingly. Her mental stability has also suffered a battering. I said to the SW today that I just want to hold Mum and not let any of the bad stuff near. The family, the dementia, the ageing, the bad memories, any and everything bad. I just want to hold onto her.

Such a lovely heartfelt post. Your love and devotion for your mum shines through and echos how so many of us feel when we have to make that difficult, yet often inevitable decision to find a care home for our loved one. You have obviously chosen well, and although it’s early days it must be of comfort to you. I wish I could feel the same about my dad’s care home and to watch his rapid decline is heart wrenching.
I don’t know if gets easier with time or just ‘different’. Enjoy those lovely hugs.
And Thank you for sharing x

 

[Tidygal]

Hi Andy
My heart goes out to you but I'm pleased your mum is settling in and it gives me hope. I am following in your footsteps as mum is in hospital and after looking after her for years she will be moving to a nursing home as dementia has set in rapidly. I am dreading what will come as she has been quite a private person and unaccepting of help from anyone except me.
Take care of yourself she still needs you. Keep hugging and telling her you love her. Xx

 

[LynneMcV]

I am glad that your mother is settling down well. I am sorry you are going through such a hard time and feeling so lost as you pack everything up. Such an emotional time, so many memories to deal with.

As others have said, your love and protectiveness towards your mother shines through. You have done so well for her. Please take time to look after yourself too and I hope your new start in a home near the care home brings you both comfort and plenty of opportunities for continued happy times ahead in each other's company.

 

[Grannie G]

Such a loving post from you @Andyp101

It`s lovely to hear how happy your mum is and how much the care staff like her.

I`m sure a bath would be much easier for her. My husband loved having a bath but even he developed an unfounded fear for a while and refused one. The care staff continued tell him it was bath time and one day he accepted and continued to accept so the problem was solved.

Sorting someone`s house and possessions while they are still living is soul destroying . It`s a job which has to be done.

 

[Kikki21]

I have this to come in sorting out my mum’s house but first of all I have to sort out moving home myself which will be closer to both my mum’s house & care home.
My mum has not been in her care home long but so far so good ish.

She views it as a hospital environment so we will keep up that “love lie”
It all takes time to settle in & settle down so please give yourself that xx