Care home or home for Christmas? What is best?

Discussion in 'I have a partner with dementia' started by Suzy C, Nov 29, 2019.

  1. Suzy C

    Suzy C Registered User

    Sep 16, 2019
    31
    I am in a quandry about what to do for Christmas. My husband of 44 yrs has been in a care home for 4 months now. He has found it very difficult to settle and still does not want to be there and thinks i have come to rescue him every time i visit. Most people i speak to say it would upset him too much especially if he remembered it was his home and it would be difficult for him to settle again. I wondered if others had tried this and did it work or was it a disaster? Whatever i do i know i will feel guilty.
     
  2. Sirena

    Sirena Registered User

    Feb 27, 2018
    1,986
    Female
    I think it would be unsuccessful for the reasons you've given. He needs more time to settle at the care home, and taking him home for Christmas would set him back. At best he would be happy at home and refuse to go back to the CH, and at worst he may not actually recognise 'home' any more and become additionally distressed.

    My friend had Christmas lunch in the CH with her mother, is that an option for you?
     
  3. Ernest

    Ernest Registered User

    Jan 23, 2018
    83
    I spent Christmas Day with my OH in his CH last year. Perhaps it was easier for me as we've spent Christmas Day on our own for about 10 years. I was very apprehensive, as it was the first Christmas he was in the CH and he too doesn't want to be there. However, it all went well and I shall do the same this year. I take in some wine and after we've had lunch in the dining room with the other residents we'll go back to his room ,watch TV and I pretend we are at our home !!! I try to keep things as "normal" as possible. I take in Christmas cards which are addressed to us both and give them to him to open, like we've always done. I hang them up in his room. I put some decorations, which we'd had in our lounge, in his room. I feel very guilty at the subterfuge but if it means less anxiety for him and his routine isn't disrupted then so be it !!
     
  4. Lawson58

    Lawson58 Registered User

    I think what you are doing is lovely and I don't think you should for a moment regard it as subterfuge. Christmas always has its traditions and keeping those going helps make it feel more like Christmas. Not just for him but important for you too.
     
  5. Suzy C

    Suzy C Registered User

    Sep 16, 2019
    31
    Thank you for your response. I wanted to bring him home because i have others coming to me including my mother who also has dementia and i can't do it all on xmas day. i think i have decided to visit on Xmas eve and boxing day instead. Even if he remembers it's Christmas he won't know I haven't been on the day.
     
  6. Sarasa

    Sarasa Registered User

    Apr 13, 2018
    741
    I'm glad you've decided that your husband will stay in his care home. I think a house full of people would have been too stressful for him. the last few Christmases with mum were becoming increasingly difficult as the change of scene and people she didn't see very often totally confused her. As her dementia progressed she got more and more muddled and also more and more aggressive. Mum will be in her care home over Christmas and I won't be able to see much of her as I'm off to my mother in law's. She also has dementia but still lives at home. What we are doing with mum is taking her out for an early afternoon tea on the 28th. If nothing else loads of cake should keep her happy.
     
  7. Moggymad

    Moggymad Registered User

    May 12, 2017
    452
    Female
    Last year we took my FIL & his sister, both with dementia, out for Xmas lunch. Later back at home it resulted in a meltdown by the sister who was supposed to be staying with FIL over Xmas & her son had to come & take her back home. We were trying to give him a break but it backfired badly. Think you have made the right decision.
     
  8. Sirena

    Sirena Registered User

    Feb 27, 2018
    1,986
    Female
    That sounds like a good idea. I'll be visiting my mother in the CH on Christmas Eve. I did the same last year, she had no idea it was Christmas so it didn't really matter what day I went. I hope you manage to have a good Christmas Day.
     
  9. Mydarlingdaughter

    Mydarlingdaughter Registered User

    Oct 25, 2019
    50
    North East England UK
    In my opinion the less disruption the better. PWD may not really be aware that its Christmas and as its a stressful time for most people, the care home are used to dealing with it and I think he will be less stressed there.
     
  10. Dimpsy

    Dimpsy Registered User

    Sep 2, 2019
    892
    Female
    All through life, stuff happens and we have to adapt. You recognised your husband needed professional, 24/7 care and how difficult was that decision to make; placing him in care must have been heartbreaking for you and you shouldn't feel guilty but comforted knowing your OH is safe and well looked after.
    It would be a shame to muddy the water's by bringing him home for Christmas and would definitely unsettle / upset you as well, after all, it isn't just OH who has had to deal with the change in circumstances!

    What you are doing is establishing a "new norm", different to how Christmas has been maybe, but with your positive attitude, Christmas can still be special.
    Best wishes to you both.
     
  11. Suzy C

    Suzy C Registered User

    Sep 16, 2019
    31
    Oh poor you all these good intentions often get laid to waste don't they? Thank you for your experience.
     
  12. Suzy C

    Suzy C Registered User

    Sep 16, 2019
    31
    Thank you for your kind words. But it's so hard and i feel so sad.
     
  13. Suzy C

    Suzy C Registered User

    Sep 16, 2019
    31
    Thank you i agree and feel relieved now i have made the decision. But it still makes me feel terribly sad
     

Share This Page

  1. This site uses cookies to help personalise content, tailor your experience and to keep you logged in if you register.
    By continuing to use this site, you are consenting to our use of cookies.
  1. This site uses cookies to help personalise content, tailor your experience and to keep you logged in if you register.
    By continuing to use this site, you are consenting to our use of cookies.