I,ve just moved dad to a care home and the guilt is terrible. I live 212 miles from him and although his dementia is early to mid I just couldn’t keep travelling to care for him. He sees no one most days and just sits, recently stopped reading the newspaper and gets very distressed at any problems in the house. Is also forgetting meds and not changing underclothes very often or top clothes unless I prompt him, stopped brushing teeth and needs prompt to shower. Physically fit for 88 so looks young in the care home. I just decided this was the safest option as he’s been like this for 18 months now and it can only get worse. It’s the distance that makes it impossible to manage. Also he cries every time I arrive and when I leave which breaks my heart. He’s not settling well in the home but it’s only day 5. He can’t understand tha5vhis mind is sick whereas others he sees are physically sick but mentally alert. He already can’t remember how he got there and we moved his things in slowly over a week, each time he came with me.
Care home guilt
- Thread starter Jordrecr
- Start date
Many of us have had to take this step and it does make you feel wretched. With the description of the stage your dad had reached it distance of their nearest loved one makes no difference I lived with dad for 10 months after mum died suddenly before the care home decision had to be very reluctantly taken and I only lived half an hour away. Our reasons were the same...to keep our dads safe and looked after and the decision made with kindness in their best interests. For some...my dad was one of them...it was a good 4 months before before he gained any sort of acceptance of the nursing home from trying doors and windows and walking the corridors...I didn't feel the acceptance was a conscious thing...more that his decline meant he became less aware. That was 4 years ago...dad died last March but much as I hated dementia making me make that decision what ifs are no good....I don't regret it. Keep in mind your good reasons as a loving caring daughter or son...sorry can't tell which from your post.
Remember he is warm, clean, fed and safe. Five days is no time. Next time you visit, sneak in if you can, observe how he is, ask the staff what he’s like when you’re not there.
PWD pick up on your emotions, go in positive, cheerful. Take a treat, favourite chocolate bar, bag sweets,
When you leave, no long goodbyes, many posters leave coats, purses in car, and just say “popping to bathroom “ and leaving. Never say “see you tomorrow “ just see you soon.
Five days is no time at all, hang tough, be positive.
PWD pick up on your emotions, go in positive, cheerful. Take a treat, favourite chocolate bar, bag sweets,
When you leave, no long goodbyes, many posters leave coats, purses in car, and just say “popping to bathroom “ and leaving. Never say “see you tomorrow “ just see you soon.
Five days is no time at all, hang tough, be positive.
Don't feel guilty, from your description of Dad in his own home he and you would not have coped for very long. You said he got very distressed if anything went wrong in the house. This has been eliminated so one less anxiety for him. Most days he didn't see anyone- well that's not much of a life is it? Now he has people around him, he is safe getting fed, assisted and you know he is getting his medication.It is very early days, a big adjustment for both of you but he will settle in time.
Is part of your guilt that he is so far away? In which case maybe you could find somewhere nearer you to make it easier for you to see him when you want to?
Either way you have done the right thing.
Is part of your guilt that he is so far away? In which case maybe you could find somewhere nearer you to make it easier for you to see him when you want to?
Either way you have done the right thing.
We tried that and he had a huge breakdown, he begged to go back home, he hadn’t moved in but I was warned by his consultant that could happen so we took him home. The home he is in is 2 doors away from the house he grew up in and it’s in the village where 4 of his sisters still live, also he has an old school friend in there. His sisters will be able to visit whereas by us he would only know my brother and I. For us it ticked so many boxes. His sisters are in their late 70’s and 80’s and he would not see them again if he moved away too far for them whereas my brother and I are still young enough to drive 4 hours to see him.
We did try but he got so distressed we realised he needed the familiarity of the area where he lives. Plus the home is 2 doors from where he lived as a boy and he has four sisters living in the village still so plenty of people to visit. He lost my mum in May, had a pacemaker fitted in July so has had quite a lot if change in eight months a move far away was a step too far.
And even more reason that you should not feel guilty you have acted on the advice of the consultant and unselfishly worked out what you think would be best at the moment for your dad putting his needs of familiarity of people etc aboce your own needs. I think your dad would be very proud of you that you came to that conclusion
You’ve definitely made the best decision for your dad. I am making the same one for my mum. She can hate me all she wants but she needs to have the care around her.
Completely understand. I think all of us always worry that we havent got things right. My mum is now in a home about 8 miles from my house and about 12 from where she used to live. Several of her old neighbours go there to shop and call in to see Mum when they can.
Its the best I can do for her but I am still riddled with guilt. I had her at my house every weekend for 10 years after my Dad died and took her on holidays, took her shopping and to all her appointments. Now her mobility is so bad that she can barely walk even with a frame. I dont have a spare room downstairs nor bathing facilities so there is no way she could live with us sadly. Its all very sad.
I know what you mean about your Dad crying when you leave. My Mum sometimes sheds a tear and says she will miss me and I find that very upsetting. Today she cried because she can no longer get a picture of her mother in her head. She also says she cannot remember what her house looked like (we had to sell it to pay care fees).
I do hope your Dad settles down. Xx
Dad has phoned me tonight saying he has to go home otherwise he’ll go mad in the home, was quite stern with me first time ever. Truly believes he can cope at home. Bit of a shock as his sisters rang me to say how happy he was there this week. I’m sorry worried and exhausted with this all. He has no concept of the fact he feels so well is because he’s being cared for now.
Our dad spent the last two years of his life in a super nh, he was safe, well cared for and had immediate Drs called out to him when needed, he died last June in the nh, with his loving family , we did everything we could to make his time there the best it could be for him under the circumstances.
Within months we started the same journey with mum, she's still in the family home, not a well person at all, memory clinic appointment in a month, three careers a day plus her children visiting, constant worry, infection after infection, we would like her to go where dad was lovingly cared for, much more difficult, however it will have to happen, and it will be the best thing for all of us, we're all worn out with constant worry.
Don't feel guilty, you are doing absolutely the best thing for your lovely dad, and for you, take care, TP is such a wealth of information and advice from others, it's helped me so much sending a hug.
Sorry for the longgggggggg post xxxxx
Within months we started the same journey with mum, she's still in the family home, not a well person at all, memory clinic appointment in a month, three careers a day plus her children visiting, constant worry, infection after infection, we would like her to go where dad was lovingly cared for, much more difficult, however it will have to happen, and it will be the best thing for all of us, we're all worn out with constant worry.
Don't feel guilty, you are doing absolutely the best thing for your lovely dad, and for you, take care, TP is such a wealth of information and advice from others, it's helped me so much sending a hug.
Sorry for the longgggggggg post xxxxx
Don’t apologise, thank you for the long post. TP has saved me as I began to question whether I was being over dramatic about dads state. It helps get the guts to deal with this awful disease. Today I’ll be strong enough to be firm with him but kind. Its so hard this early to middle stage as he looks like dad but a switch has been turned off if he was not knowing his surroundings and us I might find it easier but I doubt it.
It is difficult and it’s exactly like a switch as been switched off , thoughts are with you at this difficult time.
I feel so guilty, mum has been in the home for about a month, all not to bad..today when we arrived she was fuming,she was moved to a bigger room,nice view,on the ground floor as she needs less help,
Mum was firey eyed demanding she wanted out,that there was nothing wrong with her and they were ruining her life..
I did the blame the Dr bit..saying about her falling,and having been in hospital..but she recalls nothing of it..she said she was getting about doing everything ..had me doubting why she was here and feeling a traitor, especially now we are having to rehome her cats and her house will need to be sold....even hubby was on about could we block off stairs and she live downstairs..we know that won't work..she would just sit in her chair all day,not doing a thing.been there done that, its not feasible.
Distracted her,and got her to cone to the conservatory..she was pitifully slow , hip bad..needing zimmer..she
Calmed down for rest of the visit, but it really made me feel bad..had to give myself a reality check of how bad it had got trying to look after her at her place
Mum was firey eyed demanding she wanted out,that there was nothing wrong with her and they were ruining her life..
I did the blame the Dr bit..saying about her falling,and having been in hospital..but she recalls nothing of it..she said she was getting about doing everything ..had me doubting why she was here and feeling a traitor, especially now we are having to rehome her cats and her house will need to be sold....even hubby was on about could we block off stairs and she live downstairs..we know that won't work..she would just sit in her chair all day,not doing a thing.been there done that, its not feasible.
Distracted her,and got her to cone to the conservatory..she was pitifully slow , hip bad..needing zimmer..she
Calmed down for rest of the visit, but it really made me feel bad..had to give myself a reality check of how bad it had got trying to look after her at her place
I recognise fuming, there’s that look in their eye, and the pursed lips, do I run or smile sweetly and ask what’s up.
A couple of times I feel that mum feels neglected, once a carer was going to do her nails, someone else needed urgent help, so my mum was livid, she wasn’t getting her nails done now.
I empathise, offer chocolate, and eventually the fume goes away.
A couple of times I feel that mum feels neglected, once a carer was going to do her nails, someone else needed urgent help, so my mum was livid, she wasn’t getting her nails done now.
I empathise, offer chocolate, and eventually the fume goes away.
So dad is still not settling rings me every weekend begging to go home and again last night so we’ve notched up to more frequent. I’ve tried being firm and saying no am wondering should I just go along although I’ve no intention of moving him with it as the conversation goes round in circles obviously I’m hoping the next day he will forget but it’s strange as some things he remembers fully and I fear that may be one that he does. I am living on tenterhooks waiting for the phone to ring and it’s making me a nervous wreck. I’ve got to the stage I’d be quite happy never to speak to him again and I feel so awful about that.
Exactly how I feel a traitor and I start to think is dad really that bad perhaps he could go home then hubbybgives me a reality check. The betrayal feeling is awful so glad I’m not the only one. Also he was at home just sitting in the chair never going out.
We take Mum to her care home tomorrow, it’s hard to believe that at Christmas she was confident when moving around at home and could get out for a walk with me although her pace was slow. 3 falls over 3 days the last of which put her in hospital for 3 days; that was 2 short weeks ago.
She is not the person she was before hospital admission. She is now in the later/severe stages of dementia and I feel so guilty as though I have failed to protect her.
I write this having comforted her after a nightmare.
There is no way to stop the guilt process except to work through it.
There are so many of us in the same position.
She is not the person she was before hospital admission. She is now in the later/severe stages of dementia and I feel so guilty as though I have failed to protect her.
I write this having comforted her after a nightmare.
There is no way to stop the guilt process except to work through it.
There are so many of us in the same position.
