New here. Just wanted to say that this afternoon my lovely partner of 37 years is moving to a long term care home. She is very unhappy about it but the combination of her physical health care needs and dementia (vascular) that has taken away all insight and empathy and understanding of our situation means I have no choice. I can’t manage to care for her at home and survive the exhaustion an d stress any more. All the family and health care professionals agree it’s for the best. I can then go on and be her wife. But I am devastated.
Care home grief
- Thread starter Heartsick
- Start date
SeaSwallow
Volunteer Moderator
Hello @Heartsick Even though our heads know that the decisions that we make are the right ones our hearts tell us different. I know that it is hard but you have made the right decision, now you can be her wife again, not a tired and frazzled carer. You will still look after her but in a different way, as her advocate.
Totally agree
Sarasa
Volunteer Host
I've been away the last week and have just caught up with your message @Heartsick. I hope your wife is starting to settle in her new home, and that it will also become somewhere that feels like a home to you too when you visit.
They'll always be someone here to listen if you want to off load.
They'll always be someone here to listen if you want to off load.
Dutchman
Registered User
I was in exactly the same situation as you 4 years ago. All the worries, guilt, blame etc , all there and I thought I was abandoning her.,But like you I couldn’t cope anymore properly and I now realise it was the kindest this I could have done. You may not feel it now, and not at all, but later on when she settles you can visit, care for her with treats, construct another form of relationship and it could be alright.
Believe me you get used to it but I took at least the first year to adjust and the care home became another home for me with making friends, talking to the residents and fitting in where i could. It may not be as bad as you think.
I am in a very similar situation as you will see from my thread coping with going into care. My partner is just completing 3 weeks respite but I feel that needs to become permanent for all the reasons you list. It is heartbreaking but I have had such thoughtful and understanding responses here on talking point all urging me to hang on in there. I hope you will feel the same comfort that I do hearing this from people who have experienced the same difficult decisions. I am hoping that with time I will find a place where I can feel that I still care for my partner without the daily anxiety and exhaustion of 24/7 home care and I sincerely hope the same for you.
I can understand you feeling as you do. I read time and time again how guilty people feel about giving in to home care. Most of us reach that stage eventually, unless lucky enough to have lots of family nearby who can all chip in with caring but that’s rare. I’m lucky that my dad is desperate to go into a home. I sense however that it will not be as he expects it to be and will decide after a few weeks that he wants to go back home. I will then no doubt feel as you are feeling now but I know he can’t return home. Give it time and im sure you will sigh with relief once everything’s settled.
Dutchman
Registered User
I often wondered what it would be like if I ended up in a home for whatever reason. If it has to be I said to my late wife’s home that I’ll come here. I was extremely satisfied with their care. But, of course, if I had dementia I wouldn’t be aware of the little subtleties and care and would probably fight against that decision.
None of this is easy. I’ve come out the other side bruised and disoriented and can’t quite believe what’s happened. But it it gets easier- promise.
None of this is easy. I’ve come out the other side bruised and disoriented and can’t quite believe what’s happened. But it it gets easier- promise.
Dutchman
Registered User
Further to my post yesterday I would like to mention other emotions that are commonplace with us posters. Guilt, regret, being scared, trepidation, sorrow, grief, nervousness, sadness, anger and a host of others that will make you tired, frustrated and worried. All this is very normal and expected and you wouldn’t be human if you didn’t feel these things.
Dutchman
Registered User
I feel awful today. I drove past the turnoff that I’d usually take to see Bridget and it hit me that she’s not there anymore. The relationship i had with her has changed from actually seeing her, caring for her, to a connection only by looking at little films I took when I went to see her.
I can’t relate the aliveness of her in the film to the dead body in her grave. The funeral hasn’t formed any closure and it’s almost like a thin veil that hangs between life and death. I hope it becomes easier because this is dreadful.
When she was here, at home with me at her dementia worse back in 2019, I wanted her away , even to die. How foolish I was back then knowing how much I miss her now. Be careful what you wish for, how true.
I can’t relate the aliveness of her in the film to the dead body in her grave. The funeral hasn’t formed any closure and it’s almost like a thin veil that hangs between life and death. I hope it becomes easier because this is dreadful.
When she was here, at home with me at her dementia worse back in 2019, I wanted her away , even to die. How foolish I was back then knowing how much I miss her now. Be careful what you wish for, how true.
JackReacher
Registered User
Such heart wrenching replies, from those who have experienced the life changing illness with their loved ones. My Linda was taken into care in January and at the time I felt liberated and relieved as the situation was intolerable. However, I then discovered that 49 years of marriage changes how we live our lives, not as a single person but as a couple. Regret, guilt, sorrow, frustration and utter loneliness each day. I did not share my feelings with the children, tough enough for them as it is.
Things are getting a bit better, I have sold up and am moving back to Lincoln, where we met, got married and started the family, buying an identical house 11 doors away from where she grew up! Lovely house in the right area and rare to come up for sale. Linda is nearing the end of her life journey and we as a family are united in doing all sorts to raise a smile and visit almost each day.
We learn a lot about ourselves, through caring for others.
Good luck to you all, I hope you manage to cope and to not forget yourself as well. Life carries on and we need to remain healthy and strong for others.
Off on dog walkies, I find the 40 mins trek through the fields don't improve my footwear condition but they certainly allow me to unravel things that are swimming around in the brain box, Jack
Things are getting a bit better, I have sold up and am moving back to Lincoln, where we met, got married and started the family, buying an identical house 11 doors away from where she grew up! Lovely house in the right area and rare to come up for sale. Linda is nearing the end of her life journey and we as a family are united in doing all sorts to raise a smile and visit almost each day.
We learn a lot about ourselves, through caring for others.
Good luck to you all, I hope you manage to cope and to not forget yourself as well. Life carries on and we need to remain healthy and strong for others.
Off on dog walkies, I find the 40 mins trek through the fields don't improve my footwear condition but they certainly allow me to unravel things that are swimming around in the brain box, Jack
To everyone who has replied thank you all for sharing your experiences, feelings and wise words. It is a comfort to know that I’m not alone whilst feeling sad that others are also suffering. It’s a terrible ride we’re on. I recognise many of the things you all write about.
My OH has vascular dementia and possibly other types too but that’s academic really. It seems to have knocked out much of her old personality and left her with lots of more negative aspects of her old personality, we all have them but think dementia can sometimes unleash them in a way we would never let ourselves do before this illness. Add to this some significant physical health care problems and needs and it was a mix I couldn’t cope with. But I feel dreadful I couldn’t cope.
OH is settling a bit but is always sad and wanting to come home. Breaks my heart. I’ve tried to say that it’s not me that’s “put her in a home” it’s her poor health and sometimes she seems to get it but other times she doesn’t and is sooooo very miserable.
Think we just gotta get through this. Somehow.
Thanks again to everyone. All the very best HS
My OH has vascular dementia and possibly other types too but that’s academic really. It seems to have knocked out much of her old personality and left her with lots of more negative aspects of her old personality, we all have them but think dementia can sometimes unleash them in a way we would never let ourselves do before this illness. Add to this some significant physical health care problems and needs and it was a mix I couldn’t cope with. But I feel dreadful I couldn’t cope.
OH is settling a bit but is always sad and wanting to come home. Breaks my heart. I’ve tried to say that it’s not me that’s “put her in a home” it’s her poor health and sometimes she seems to get it but other times she doesn’t and is sooooo very miserable.
Think we just gotta get through this. Somehow.
Thanks again to everyone. All the very best HS
Dear Jack. I know exactly what you mean. I don’t know who I am now after 37 years. I’m not single yet I live alone. I feel terrible emotionally but know if I tried to have my OH at home again I’d feel worse physically and emotionally. What to do.
Glad you seem to have found a path through this and wish you well as your wife continues her journey to the end of her life. HS
Dear Dutchman. I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your Bridget. I understand and recognise many of the things you say. I used to wish my OH away. Now she is I am devastated. We sit between the devil and the deep blue sea. We need to do what we can and try and be gentle with ourselves. Take care HS
Dutchman
Registered User
there’s no way round this I’m afraid. It’s only time that will make any difference. My wife used to beg to go home. She used try and persuade me to get into my car somehow so she could escape the home. It used to break my heart to leave her. After a while she got used to the home as her dementia became more worse. She was there for 4 years and I would say that the last 2 she was content and
at peace.
Stay strong, cry, shout, punch cushions, do whatever it takes to get through these early days
at peace.
Stay strong, cry, shout, punch cushions, do whatever it takes to get through these early days
Thank you Hippo for taking the time to reply to me. My partner has been in the care home for just over a week now. She is settling in a bit. Still doesn’t want to be there. And I feel pretty dreadful most of the time. But already I can tell my physical health is better. I’m less tired less achy less grumpy as a result. Whilst I miss her with my whole being when I’m home alone I can be a much better partner to her when I see her everyday. Don’t think I’ll ever get used to it though.
Good luck with everything HS
Thank you SeaSwallow. I’ll do my best.
canary
Registered User
Hello @Hippo
It is still very early days for both you and your wife. It usually takes a couple of months for someone to settle into a care home and at this stage asking to go home is, unfortunately, par for the course.
It will also take you this time to adjust too. Your head knows that it was the right thing to do, but it takes a while to reach your heart
xx
It is still very early days for both you and your wife. It usually takes a couple of months for someone to settle into a care home and at this stage asking to go home is, unfortunately, par for the course.
It will also take you this time to adjust too. Your head knows that it was the right thing to do, but it takes a while to reach your heart
xx
CatherineS
New member
Hello Heartsick. I was in a similar position to you a year and a half ago. The misery and guilt were almost overwhelming. In addition the years I had spent caring for him at home meant that I had lost touch with friends and activities that had given me pleasure before. And after more than 40 years of marriage I had to relearn how to live happily alone. But I did, although it took time to rebuild a new life. As time passed, I realised that my husband too had begun to build a new life, make new friends as he had not had the opportunity to do when restricted to our home. I was pleased (if a bit jealous) to see photos of him on the care home's social media page happily doing some gardening, on outings to a local cafe, engaged in craft activities. I realised that as well as taking care of him physically, the care home was enriching his life. I even started volunteering at the care home so that I could meet his new friends and help out with some of the activities.
Give it time and in the meantime, treat yourself with loving kindness. Your life has had a monumental upheaval which will take time to heal from. It's only too easy as a carer to believe that the wellbeing of the person cared for is the only important thing. You now will have some time to care for yourself as well as your wife and to get to know the new person you have become, since being a carer never leaves one unchanged.
Hello @CatherineS and welcome. That's such a positive message which I'm sure will bring comfort to others in a similar situation, thanks for posting.
