Care home during Covid19 or not???

Simeon

New member
Apr 27, 2020
3
My mum's Alzheimer's has progressed rapidly over the last 3months. Bed sores, not eating/drinking , staying in bed for days at a time . Every health care and medical professional has said for the last 6 months that she needs to be in a home.
I've reached breaking point and can't cope anymore and have lost my job as a chef last christmas due to my care commitments and now have no work die to Covid19. Can't support my family and can't stop thinking that I would kill her if I put her in a home now during Covid19.
All suggestions welcome!!
Thank you.
 

karaokePete

Registered User
Jul 23, 2017
5,455
N Ireland
Hello @Simeon and welcome to the forum.

Things are obviously tough for you at the moment so I'm not surprised that you are at breaking point. When I reached a point like that last summer my first port of call was to my GP with a request for a referral to a social worker. Amongst other things, that resulted in my wife getting a place in a Day Centre which relieved the stress for me.

I'm not sure what can ne done in the current crisis but as we are being told to seek help if required I would, perhaps, start with the GP.

Apart from that there is a helpline here and the people there have a good reputation so they may be worth a call. Just follow this link https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/get-support/dementia-connect-support-line
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
12,259
South coast
Oh @Simeon I am so sorry to hear about your mum.

I dont wish to offend you, but she honestly sounds in a bad way - almost bed bound, pressure sores, not eating and drinking. It makes me wonder whether she is coming to the end of her life anyway. I know we all worry about covid, but not everyone who moves into a care home will get it and now that it has come under the spotlight there seems to be more precautions being taken.

It really does sound like your mum requires specialist care now and I am not surprised that you have reached the end of what you can do - I think it is amazing that you have gone on as long as you have. Perhaps now is a time to contact Social Services and I agree - a call to the GP would not go amiss, both for her and for you.
 

Bunpoots

Volunteer Host
Apr 1, 2016
4,387
Nottinghamshire
Welcome from me too @Simeon

My thoughts are the same as @canary. It really sounds as though you cannot cope any longer and need professional help for both your sakes.

I understand the worry about covid-19 but there is a risk of catching it no matter how careful we are. I think we’re all going to have to find away to live with it and mitigate the risks. We are all more aware of personal hygiene now and safer from infection than perhaps we were before we understood how serious this infection was.
The difficulty would have been not visiting my dad when I had to let him go to live in a carehome but I’m not sure that he would’ve noticed if I didn’t as he was very ill by the time he went there. It would’ve been me who couldn’t let go.
 

Mydarlingdaughter

Registered User
Oct 25, 2019
96
North East England UK
My Mum also had risk of pressure sores but it was because of a combination of being emaciated from refusing to eat, plus lying down all day. Once in the care home she was encouraged to eat, with having social meals in the dining room with other residents she began to eat and put on weight enough not to be at risk of starving to death. They also encouraged her to sit in the lounge with other residents.
Also they provided a special matress almost like a water bed, not sure wht its called but it was intended for avoiding pressure sores. None of these 3 benefits were possible at home.
If your Mum would benefit medically and socially from being in a homem then those impartial people "health care and medical professional" who have recommended it, would be the ones to contact.
 

Simeon

New member
Apr 27, 2020
3
Thank you all so much for your input !! I've cried reading your supportive messages. I've done my home work on this care home I've found and my mum is moving tomorrow. I was surprised that after the telephone conversation assessment from the nurse , knowing that my mum would be self funding for a few months, I thought about it and asked what the next steps would be to get mum in thinking we would start going through the finances. The nurse said (and I could hear she had a smile on her face) just bring your mother in tomorrow we will make sure she is alright.
It was such a relief to have a response like that after speaking with so many homes and within 5minutes they want upfront fees and all they seem to care about is the cash rather than the person.
I know that tomorrow will be a big day for my dear mother and very emotional day for me but I'm praying it's the right decision. I know she will be safer there than in her flat but I have the guilt already of isn't there anything else I can do for her . I've had to accept that I am Powerless over alzheimer's . But it's such a hard thing to do.
 

AliceA

Registered User
May 27, 2016
2,817
You are doing the right thing, the Corvid risk is just bad if not worse whether at home with Carers coming in and out or in a home. I feel most homes are far less, they have a tighter control than Care Companies can possibly have.
I had the same dilemma mid March. The fact is there is a point when we just cannot give the right level of care at home.
It will be hard for you but do not let guilt disable you. Be kind to yourself, X
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
12,259
South coast
(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((hug))))))))))))))))))))))))))) @Simeon

It is a hard decision, but Im sure its the right one and Im glad that it has been arranged so quickly. Please dont feel guilty, you have done everything that you can, but we are not specialist carers and your mum now needs specialist care. You have organised the care she now needs and that is the the response of a loving family member.
 

Simeon

New member
Apr 27, 2020
3
After all the stress of the last few weeks trying to find a home to accept mum and then the planned move to the home yesterday being cancelled due to their lift being broken, my mother passed away last night in her own flat . Funny how things work out as it's exactly how she wanted it.
The guilt of having not been there when she passed away is creeping up on me especially when I had an opportunity to move in with her last week until I could get her into a home and I didn't want her to die alone. My wife and children are stranded on lockdown in their mother country of Latvia and my brother and his family are in the Middle East unable to get home. I've had so many calls of support but this Covid 19 and the social distancing measures are killing me. Just need some human touch. Never needed a hug more in my life than I do now.
Thank you all for your support over the last few days.
 

lemonbalm

Registered User
May 21, 2018
188
After all the stress of the last few weeks trying to find a home to accept mum and then the planned move to the home yesterday being cancelled due to their lift being broken, my mother passed away last night in her own flat . Funny how things work out as it's exactly how she wanted it.
The guilt of having not been there when she passed away is creeping up on me especially when I had an opportunity to move in with her last week until I could get her into a home and I didn't want her to die alone. My wife and children are stranded on lockdown in their mother country of Latvia and my brother and his family are in the Middle East unable to get home. I've had so many calls of support but this Covid 19 and the social distancing measures are killing me. Just need some human touch. Never needed a hug more in my life than I do now.
Thank you all for your support over the last few days.
I'm so sorry @Simeon. As you say, it was how your mum wanted it. You did your best and that's all any of us can do. All this will pass and you will have many hugs from your family before long. In the meantime, sending virtual hugs and all good wishes.
 

Shedrech

Volunteer Moderator
Dec 15, 2012
9,062
Yorkshire
sad news @Simeon
you have done so much for your mum and stood by her ... seems as though this was her time and in the place she wanted to be
be gentle on yourself now, be as kind to yourself as you have been to your mum and as she would be to you
 

Izzy

Volunteer Moderator
Aug 31, 2003
61,856
69
Dundee
I’m so sorry to read of your loss @Simeon. It must be so much harder in these circumstances of lockdown.

Sending my condolences and wishing you strength.
 

Vitesse

Registered User
Oct 26, 2016
191
I am so sorry to hear about your Mum. She is now at peace and not suffering any more. I hope that you can be with your family soon and have lots of hugs to try to make things better.
 

Mydarlingdaughter

Registered User
Oct 25, 2019
96
North East England UK
Very Sorry to hear this. Guilt feelings are totally normal but you did everything you could do, and did right. I hope you will be able to ask for help in the coming days and weeks and accept any help that is offered.
 

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