today I took my mum to the care home I chose for her. I have been telling her - and she has accepted and even been enthusiastic about where she is going. We’ve described it to her as a lovely house in the country - true - near my aunt and me - true - and where she will stay when I am working overseas - not true. She was fine all week until today when we went. Liked the house but caught sight of residents sleeping after lunch - not what I saw when I visited. Anyway left mum there not wildly pleased but ok and phoned this evening when they said she was pacing the corridor but the staff were sitting with her and she was ok. I know that she will be very polite to people who are sitting with her but that doesn’t mean she’s settled. I feel just now that I just want to bring her home. Please help xx
Care home - can I continue with this- please help
- Thread starter Blondee
- Start date
She has to be given time to adjust and settle. Some do this within a few weeks...some just settle immediately and some like my dad will take at least 4 months of pacing and trying doors and windows. There is no manual with dementia and everyone will react to a change in their own way. There may be blips along the way and that may result in nights like tonight when she expresses displeasure however that may be expected on her first and subsequent first few nights or even weeks but remind yourself of why she is there...that you have helped in making a kind decision to keep her safe and looked after 24/7 and give yourself time also to adjust. I know from this experience and believe me ...my dad was really grumpy verbally aggressive and tearful...that this is a difficult path to have to take and self doubts creep in...but banish them...you have carefully chosen what you feel is the right care home for your mum...give it time to work
Thanks. I know it’s the right thing.
I’m meeting a friend for lunch tomorrow and have booked a couple of yoga classes next week so hopefully will be a bit more accepting of things. Thanks heavens for TP and all you lovely contributors x
Don't be temped to visit.
She needs time to settle, on her own terms.
Besides, you are working overseas!
Bod
Oh Bod I know.
This is such a nightmare. I know it’s the right thing. Yesterday I went out for 30mimutes and came back to find: tea for one made with 4 teabags, my dinner according to mum 2 slices of toast and butter, the electric kettle on the gas hob, a tea cloth spread on the table with two knives and two forks at right angles. This can’t continue but it’s heartbreaking as all of us on here know. And sometimes we are just reminded xx
This is such a nightmare. I know it’s the right thing. Yesterday I went out for 30mimutes and came back to find: tea for one made with 4 teabags, my dinner according to mum 2 slices of toast and butter, the electric kettle on the gas hob, a tea cloth spread on the table with two knives and two forks at right angles. This can’t continue but it’s heartbreaking as all of us on here know. And sometimes we are just reminded xx
Blondee,
I have not read all your previous posts so forgive me because I am not fully cognisant of your circumstances but I am sure like all those who finally find a care home for their loved one (like me) it is not an easy decision and is only arrived at when all other options have been carefully considered and ruled out for whatever reason.
You have chosen somewhere near you and your aunt so you can both visit frequently. Your Mum is there because she needs to be. She is safe, fed and not alone. It will take time for her to adjust and you too. Let us know over the next few weeks how things are going.
I have not read all your previous posts so forgive me because I am not fully cognisant of your circumstances but I am sure like all those who finally find a care home for their loved one (like me) it is not an easy decision and is only arrived at when all other options have been carefully considered and ruled out for whatever reason.
You have chosen somewhere near you and your aunt so you can both visit frequently. Your Mum is there because she needs to be. She is safe, fed and not alone. It will take time for her to adjust and you too. Let us know over the next few weeks how things are going.
This can be a very powerful emotion - leaving behind a loved one in what is basically a strange place for you both. Because the need is there, the practicable aspects all make sense, it is the right thing to do, there is a degree of solace in that, but the 'thinking about what is happening' whist you are absent, becomes the nagging 'guilt', the constant doubt, " I feel now that I just want to bring her home". The term 'settling' in respect of the Care Home is part of the process of residential care and it can be, in some cases, immediate or else take months. It depends on the person and the level of dementia and the type of dementia, plus many other factors.
So, one must give it time. Also, whilst one is away from the place chosen, the Care Home, one finds that residents become accustomed to the regime, in as much as they will start to adapt and function, despite everything. I observe on a regular basis, family members coming and going as they visit loved ones. Once the family have left, you get a mix of behaviours in the aftermath of the visits. But generally, people (residents) go about their business within the confines of the Home and the dementia, which becomes a special kind of 'community', in which each resident plays off another, at times with open friendship, or at times with a kind of indifference.
My late mother entered Care during 'emergency respite' - an experience I would not wish on my worst enemy. However, after a period of time, she too 'settled'. And I would later visit the Home, pause outside the door to the lounge to observe my mother drinking tea, smiling, talking to a Carer, having a joke perhaps - all of this removed from my presence, her son, with whom she lived for twelve years, without a single hitch, nor a harsh word, as her carer and guardian. And NEVER alone.
Dementia we dearly wish to see become something of the past, eradicated for ever. But if nothing else, there are aspects of the disease which in eliminating more recent memory, enables this 'settling' to take place, without too much trauma. So allow it time and see what happens and try not to 'imagine' negative thoughts, because they are most likely to be a fiction and thus irrelevant.
You know in your head that it is the right place at the right time - its just taking your heart a while to catch up
My husband is in respite just now and is settled but would come home with me at the drop of a hat. I feel I have become myself again over the last two weeks and it has given me a breather to start caring again. We can't go on indefinitely as carers and particularly when working like you or still young and needing some kind of a life.
Give your Mum time to establish her new life. Don't visit too often at the start. Tell us how she gets on. Good wishes.
Give your Mum time to establish her new life. Don't visit too often at the start. Tell us how she gets on. Good wishes.
Hi all
I have been in touch with the care home over the last few days and mum seems to be fine albeit walking about very purposefully. I went to see her today and she was great. Very contented happy to take me to her room and could even get part of the way there without asking for help ( I couldn’t find the way either). It was very reassuring to see her like this but also a bit upsetting to know that particular part of my mum is gone from me forever. But if she is content then hey ho. Xx
I have been in touch with the care home over the last few days and mum seems to be fine albeit walking about very purposefully. I went to see her today and she was great. Very contented happy to take me to her room and could even get part of the way there without asking for help ( I couldn’t find the way either). It was very reassuring to see her like this but also a bit upsetting to know that particular part of my mum is gone from me forever. But if she is content then hey ho. Xx
Im glad the visit went well. It sounds like your mum is settling, though I understand what you mean about knowing that part of your mum is gone forever. It will take time for you to get used to her being there too.
I wouldnt worry about the purposeful walking, its a very common symptom of dementia and the care home should be used to it.
I wouldnt worry about the purposeful walking, its a very common symptom of dementia and the care home should be used to it.
I went through an awful time with putting my mum into a care home but she has settled in reasonably well. We have had a few bumps in the road but generally speaking, it all went a lot better than anticipated.
She has been angsty the past few visits but once she starts on me then we make our excuses & leave.
You are lucky that your mum wanted to take you to her room, that’s great.
My mum doesn’t even remember she has her own room!
She has been angsty the past few visits but once she starts on me then we make our excuses & leave.
You are lucky that your mum wanted to take you to her room, that’s great.
My mum doesn’t even remember she has her own room!
Hi @Blondee My mum went into a nursing home just over 2 years ago and it was the best thing that could have happened for her. I couldn't see it back then though. I know how distressing this is for you. We need to ask ourselves a question - Am I acting in my Mum/Dad/Husband/Wife/Partners best interests? The answer of course is Yes. Even though we know that, the "Guilt Monster" still hangs around, sitting on our shoulders, ready to pounce when we are low! If he comes calling, kick him out! You can now visit your dear mum as a daughter and let the care home staff do all the practical stuff. That said, it is quite normal to worry about her but in time I'm hoping you will feel more settled. Wishing you and your mum all the best. Please keep posting!
Morning. I recall people telling me it was for the best and I wanted to scream at them back then. Of course, they were right but, oh, yes it is so very, very tough. This illness plays havoc with our emotions. Please never hesitate to post here. Sometimes we just need to share what we are feeling and there will always be someone who will listen and respond. As for questions, just the same. We are here for each other and because we care.
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