Can't win

Dog Lady

Registered User
Dec 22, 2014
18
My MIL was placed in a fantastic nursing home after being in hospital, psychiatric ward for 5.5 months. She is now back in hospital due to her being racially abusive, swearing at other residents visitors, refusal to eat or drink, high levels of paranoia, refusing to take any medication, she's also insulin dependent diabetic. The final incident that go her moved back to a psychiatric ward was her boiling a kettle and threatening to pour it on one of the members of staff, luckily another staff member stopped her.
Her behaviour has settled down since being in hospital as she thinks she is there due to a sore leg.
I'm finding it difficult as I know she thinks there is nothing wrong with her and that her mental health is fine and can't remember what she's done.
She thought that she was an inmate with mental patients in the nursing home.
We found notes in her room of how she hates us and we don't care and have abandoned her. I haven't slept a full night since her decline in mental health (frontal lobe dementia)I am constantly phoning to see how she is, I'm the person that buys what she wants and needs and had a huge fight on my hands to get her into the nursing home that she's now no longer in.
I know she's only happy in hospital but am aware that this is not a longterm placement, she's just under assessment and then we have to look again for a nursing home, but she's not going to settle anywhere but hospital.
I feel we can't win and am loosing sleep and patience with everything, where do we go from here?

DogLady
 

Neighbour1991

Registered User
Apr 3, 2016
15
Golly gosh, what an ordeal!

What I recommend you start doing - and it IS hard - is separating the person you knew to the person you know now. Everyone knows that people with dementia are not the same people you grew up knowing or who you knew for all your life. This certainly helped me remember my neighbour who I knew all my life with the person the nurses have to deal with now.

As I said, it is very hard to do. But it is easier after reading a few posts on here.

I hope it helps; massive good luck!
 

Shedrech

Volunteer Moderator
Dec 15, 2012
8,498
Yorkshire
Hi Dog Lady
my gosh your MIL is a handful - she is, though, in the best place for her right now, where she can be looked after and assessed and is supported all day every day
and, she has settled, which is better for her state of mind and will make her stay there more positive, so let's hope she accepts that her leg will take some time to heal and she will need to recuperate there even when it appears to have healed
I appreciate that you care about her and want her to be well taken care of - and that is happening where she is, right now
so - and I fear you won't want to hear this - it's now time to breath and step back and let the staff look after her
certainly check up on her - but not all the time - maybe once a day, with the understanding that the staff will be in contact if they need to
it's hard to let the care be done by others when you have been so involved - you will, though, make yourself ill and be no good to man nor beast never mind MIL, if you don't take some time to rest - you need to sleep - maybe have a chat with your own GP; caring takes it toll on the carer and you need some support too
in time there will be arrangements to be made; let that be for now
best wishes
 

RedLou

Registered User
Jul 30, 2014
1,162
First of all, caring for someone with dementia is not only a thankless task, literally, but very often one where your best efforts are met with scorn and abuse. It's very hard to take and you have my complete and utter sympathy.
May I ask: why are you taking responsibility for your MiL? Is there no one else - one of her own children? - who can take over now and plan her future care, as it seems to me you need a break from the burden of responsibility?
 

Witzend

Registered User
Aug 29, 2007
4,291
SW London
Could you tell her she's there for 'convalescence' on doctor's orders? I have heard of this working for some people. You don't have to say it's for good.
 

MollyD

Registered User
Mar 27, 2016
1,696
Ireland
My thoughts go out to you. That's very very tough. Here we have some hospitals which also function as nursing homes. Would that be a possibility/option for your MIL where you are?
 

sue38

Registered User
Mar 6, 2007
10,854
51
Wigan, Lancs
This part of your post leapt out at me

The final incident that go her moved back to a psychiatric ward was her boiling a kettle and threatening to pour it on one of the members of staff, luckily another staff member stopped her.
It makes me think that however lovely the care home might be it wasn't the right place for your MIL if she had access to a boiling kettle. It's very difficult not to feel responsible (and by extension to blame) for your MIL's behaviour, but this is the dementia. The right care home may well be out there for her, but for the moment I agree with other posters' advice to take a step back before you tackle the next step.
 

Dog Lady

Registered User
Dec 22, 2014
18
Thanks everyone for the replies.
I am taking a lot of the responsibility as my husband is finding it very hard to cope with and has always had a very difficult relationship with his mum, she's treated him like dirt but has always known he carries a lot of guilt with him, as if he didn't do her shopping or phone her no one else would, we were the only connection to the outside world for her. MIL was house bound for the last 5 years with no family or friends visiting. DH has 2 sisters but one left home at 15 and doesn't give a damn and the other is autistic, schizophrenic and has learning difficulties.
Sorry to moan

Dog Lady
 

Aisling

Registered User
Dec 5, 2015
1,807
Ireland
Thanks everyone for the replies.
I am taking a lot of the responsibility as my husband is finding it very hard to cope with and has always had a very difficult relationship with his mum, she's treated him like dirt but has always known he carries a lot of guilt with him, as if he didn't do her shopping or phone her no one else would, we were the only connection to the outside world for her. MIL was house bound for the last 5 years with no family or friends visiting. DH has 2 sisters but one left home at 15 and doesn't give a damn and the other is autistic, schizophrenic and has learning difficulties.
Sorry to moan

Dog Lady
Am so sorry Dog Lady, but please take a step back for the time being. Give yourself a chance.

Hugs,

Aisling
 

Otiruz

Registered User
Nov 28, 2015
255
Kent
Hello Dog Lady, Don't be sorry about moaning, it's partly what we are all here for, to listen and to help and to nod in agreement, and to sigh and say 'yes, that was me, I've been there, I've felt that'.

However difficult it is for you right now, let the hospital take over. It's easy to understand why you have stood up and stepped forwards to help your MIL but you are in danger of having every ounce of energy sapped from you. A pwd cannot help their situation but allow yourself the opportunity to regain your composure. MIL is where she needs to be at the moment and I would not be in too much of a hurry to move her elsewhere. Perhaps they will be able to stabilise or change her medication. It is very sad that the onus of care has fallen on your shoulders. Perhaps you can make it clear to your husband that you too are now finding it very hard to cope. Don't feel guilty, you're tired and stressed and really need a rest.
 

dadalz

Registered User
Nov 20, 2015
16
My MIL was placed in a fantastic nursing home after being in hospital, psychiatric ward for 5.5 months. She is now back in hospital due to her being racially abusive, swearing at other residents visitors, refusal to eat or drink, high levels of paranoia, refusing to take any medication, she's also insulin dependent diabetic. The final incident that go her moved back to a psychiatric ward was her boiling a kettle and threatening to pour it on one of the members of staff, luckily another staff member stopped her.
Her behaviour has settled down since being in hospital as she thinks she is there due to a sore leg.
I'm finding it difficult as I know she thinks there is nothing wrong with her and that her mental health is fine and can't remember what she's done.
She thought that she was an inmate with mental patients in the nursing home.
We found notes in her room of how she hates us and we don't care and have abandoned her. I haven't slept a full night since her decline in mental health (frontal lobe dementia)I am constantly phoning to see how she is, I'm the person that buys what she wants and needs and had a huge fight on my hands to get her into the nursing home that she's now no longer in.
I know she's only happy in hospital but am aware that this is not a longterm placement, she's just under assessment and then we have to look again for a nursing home, but she's not going to settle anywhere but hospital.
I feel we can't win and am loosing sleep and patience with everything, where do we go from here?

DogLady
Hi Doglady,

I am sorry to learn about your situation. My father has vascular dementia and I know how you feel. My father has been in a care home up until now and he was begging to come home and he now is home. When my Dad gets confused and can't articulate himself, he gets frustrated and then expects me to know what he is talking about and then says, oh you know what I mean. Invariably I don't know what he means and then he gets very shirty because I can't follow. He behaved himself whist he was in the home, but there was an instance when he couldn't find his razors and made racist remarks about one of the staff members and accused him of stealing the razors. The man had been very kind to him and had offered to give him a shave.