Can I ... Should I?

[Sam Luvit]

Hi @Margi29

I just keep trying to think of something that might work. I do feel that brother of yours needs an education in dementia. However, I can’t think of how you can do that. It’s not like you could download a compilation of uTube videos & force him to watch them. Although if you could, maybe he might stop trying to argue with her & things might calm a bit

You did say your brother started by saying he’s not going to pay, but has since changed his mind. He also said he’s not coming again, but again has changed his mind. I don’t think his motives are wrong / bad / nasty, I think it’s more likely he has snapped “I’m not doing it” in frustration at the time, then, with a little space, he’s thought it through & realised he can’t just walk away, so back tracks & tries again

Agreed, him coming, but you need to be available to step in doesn’t exactly give you a break, but from his point of view (I’m playing devils advocate here), he’s willing to try again, but wants a safety net. So, let him try, but tell him he will need to cough up for the taxi fare to get you there & you will take a minimum 30 minutes to get up & dressed, you will not be sitting in your lounge, fully dressed & waiting for his call

It was nice to get away, even if it meant driving home in the pouring rain. Pooch seemed to enjoy his break. He was very excited to see me, he’s settled now, but he has been pinning me down lol. He’s my own personal little shadow tonight, bless him

 

[Sam Luvit]

Happy birthday Slugsta despite the weather I hope you are having a good day. I know...I turned away and when I turned back I had become 63

No way I’d have to say I thought you were younger than me when I met you, so you are wearing very well

 

[Sam Luvit]

Hi @love.dad.but..

If I’m honest, I hated the house the first time I saw it, my feelings haven’t changed much The garden is tiny & not well laid out, the kitchen is a nightmare & as for the tiny shower .... ugg, I’ll be happy to wave goodbye to it. The work it will take to get to that point ..., I need at least a year to pack up & sort out, but I work better to deadlines & the sale on my house dragged on for a few months, then I got a call late Thursday, saying exchange & completion was on Tuesday I think I did the 160 mile round trip 9 times in those few days & cleared the house out in my tiny car. (All removal people were booked up). I’m setting deadlines to make me get it done, as the sooner it’s done the sooner I can go somewhere & work out what I want

I’m looking at options, researching & binning most. I think a new Poppet will be my best bet, but where I will finally settle & if I’ll be house sharing or solo in the middle of nowhere has yet to be decided

My tum has not settled fully, but it’s calming down. I still wouldn’t want to share a room with anyone for long ....

 

[Sam Luvit]

Thank you for your good wishes. I have had a lovely afternoon and am now back home in my dressing gown, having dropped son off at station.

So son came to celebrate , we like a bit of good news

 

[Sam Luvit]

Oh @Slugsta thats not good. The boiler here had been limping along, until I put my foot down & insisted on getting it sorted. A new one was fitted last year, 0% interest over 2 years, with a smal, deposit. It’s the best thing I made Mum do.

Although we could have paid in full, with interest in savings being so pathetic, I thought this to be the best option. Might be worth you looking at

 

[love.dad.but..]

No way I’d have to say I thought you were younger than me when I met you, so you are wearing very well

Oh..thank you Sam...the hair highlights disguise the truth... mind you...you wouldn't have said that if you have seen me during my caring for dad years if ever my way again...coffee beckons!

 

[Sam Luvit]

Coffee sounds good @love.dad.but.. I am hoping to need to be out the house for several hours for viewings, but wouId need to be Pooch friendly visit if possible. I don’t want to leave him showing the house

I must sort my hair out ... I did have several new carers ask if I was Mum in the last few weeks Thanks a lot ... even I didn’t think I looked like a very ill 80’s lady

 

[love.dad.but..]

Coffee sounds good @love.dad.but.. I am hoping to need to be out the house for several hours for viewings, but wouId need to be Pooch friendly visit if possible. I don’t want to leave him showing the house

I must sort my hair out ... I did have several new carers ask if I was Mum in the last few weeks Thanks a lot ... even I didn’t think I looked like a very ill 80’s lady

sorry Sam but that made me laugh. There are a few dog friendly parks around this area that have pleasant cafes and outside seating but only combine coffee and a trip with if you need to be this way for something else when your life has calmed down a bit.

 

[Margi29]

Brother...maybe a pang of guilt that makes him feel he should say yes but only last resort to you having to ask as he won't offer but still knows he will call you rather than taking full responsibility for a difficult care shift?
Paying for care...keeping as much of your mum's money intact if any money will come his way after she passes away?
The first time confused dad stripped off his lower half and asked me to check something on a very private part was a surprise but after the first time...it was oh well seen all that now...it wasn't all that surprising thereafter! However my older sister who looked after dad on a very rare overnight would have been mortified and couldn't have dealt with it...she once locked herself in dad's bathroom and phoned me because dad was his usual sundowning grumpy self...I had only been there 2 hours before! Once I had reassured her to just keep out of his space for a while that he wouldn't hit her and would be calm after 20 mins...which he was...I didn't need to go back on my infrequent night back with my very understanding OH. Siblings
Apologies to brother if other more caring motives but I think you know!!

Thank you for reply @love.dad.but..
I'm now waiting in anticipation for Thursday/Friday nights this week, I'm praying mum is good
Yes siblings ha ha, I've tried to get brother to watch, read up on dementia, he just wants mum gone

So watch this space x

 

[Margi29]

Hi @Margi29

I just keep trying to think of something that might work. I do feel that brother of yours needs an education in dementia. However, I can’t think of how you can do that. It’s not like you could download a compilation of uTube videos & force him to watch them. Although if you could, maybe he might stop trying to argue with her & things might calm a bit

You did say your brother started by saying he’s not going to pay, but has since changed his mind. He also said he’s not coming again, but again has changed his mind. I don’t think his motives are wrong / bad / nasty, I think it’s more likely he has snapped “I’m not doing it” in frustration at the time, then, with a little space, he’s thought it through & realised he can’t just walk away, so back tracks & tries again

Agreed, him coming, but you need to be available to step in doesn’t exactly give you a break, but from his point of view (I’m playing devils advocate here), he’s willing to try again, but wants a safety net. So, let him try, but tell him he will need to cough up for the taxi fare to get you there & you will take a minimum 30 minutes to get up & dressed, you will not be sitting in your lounge, fully dressed & waiting for his call

It was nice to get away, even if it meant driving home in the pouring rain. Pooch seemed to enjoy his break. He was very excited to see me, he’s settled now, but he has been pinning me down lol. He’s my own personal little shadow tonight, bless him

I tried to get brother to read the book ' little girl behind the radiator ' I thought it might help him with understanding of this cruel disease. He wouldn't

Was with mum last night, she slept from 12 till 8, I'm so pleased. My sister was with mum Saturday night and again mum slept all night ( apart from toilet ) scenario with brother every time he stays is making me wonder if it's the ' male presence ' that's making mum worse. Also because I'm not there I've no idea what brother is saying to mum.
My daughter does mums hair each week, she has actually rang me in past and said ' I don't like how uncle...
Speaks to my grandmother, he has no respect ' ( my daughter is there every Friday and sometimes brother is too ) the manager at complex has also told me, ' he has no idea whatsoever, how to handle dementia '

 

[love.dad.but..]

I tried to get brother to read the book ' little girl behind the radiator ' I thought it might help him with understanding of this cruel disease. He wouldn't

Was with mum last night, she slept from 12 till 8, I'm so pleased. My sister was with mum Saturday night and again mum slept all night ( apart from toilet ) scenario with brother every time he stays is making me wonder if it's the ' male presence ' that's making mum worse. Also because I'm not there I've no idea what brother is saying to mum.
My daughter does mums hair each week, she has actually rang me in past and said ' I don't like how uncle...
Speaks to my grandmother, he has no respect ' ( my daughter is there every Friday and sometimes brother is too ) the manager at complex has also told me, ' he has no idea whatsoever, how to handle dementia '

Unfortunately he doesn't realise that he is making it harder for himself in not engaging with gaining a little knowledge and understanding of the illness and how it affects your mum and if he did it would improve his time with his mum for both of them and in turn for you and your sister. However if he is unwilling to even try or listen to others or become informed doubt much will change.

 

[Slugsta]

Morning all,

Margi, I'm glad that your mum slept, hope that means you did too. Your Bro clearly has his head buried deep in the sand. The problem with that is you don't see what is coming to kick you up the bum!

Sam I'm glad your tum is settling but wish it would hurry up and finish the job!

We got a house clearance chappy in to clear Mum's flat for us. Yes, maybe there are a couple more things I might like to have kept but I have to set that against how easy it made the process for me. Chappy was very good, said 'You don't need to be here to see this' and just got on with it.

It was lovely to have son here overnight, it gave us chance to have a 'proper' chat. His ex GF got married on Friday, he went and genuinely wishes them well but . . .

I'm hving a very quiet day today, OH is bowling this morning and again this evening.

 

[rosy18]

Belated Happy Birthday Slugsta. They do say 60 is the new 40
I spent the eve of my 60th trying to get Mum into bed but she wouldn't leave the lounge as she thought we were waiting to disembark off a cruise and thought I was a male crew member waiting to go ashore so when I said let's go to bed she was mortified and said she wasn't that kind of girl

Margi it doesn't get any easier does it. I can so sympathise with you over the home such a dilemma.Your brother needs to get his act together and understand the actions of your lovely Mum is the dementia. I know it must be a shock for him but he's got to understand
My Mum just picks at the underneath of the duvet cover all night long trying to tear it !!

Mum caught her leg on the commode last Friday 12.20am as I was getting her back into bed. Mum never said anything and I didn't realise till I came to lift Mums Legs into bed it was only then I saw all the blood on the carpet(cream) I grabbed towels got Mum into bed with lots of towels underneath and called the care in the community number we have. A lovely doctor rang me back and it was decided I would monitor it hoping it would stop bleeding and scab over.
Mum just went back to sleep whilst I sat watching and dabbling until 3.30am when it eventually stopped. District nurse came next day as it's gone into a haematoma so just have to monitor. It's seeped a little but there's no open wound so leaving uncovered, just having to keep legs up (not easy) and make sure it doesn't get knocked.Mums skin is so fragile now the slightest knock is a nightmare

Sam I have to agree with Margi concentrate on the sale of your house as that's what needs to be done then have some you time, time to mull things over without rushing into anything.
I hope your tum is finally settling you must feel weak with all the "loo visits"
Good to read you spent some time with a friend and managed to get lots organised. Just wish I lived closer then I could have had Pooch for an overnight stay
Sending you lots of ((((hugs))))xx

 

[Slugsta]

Rosy, I hope your mum's leg heals well - it must have been very worrying for you, especially in the wee small hours. I'm sorry that the eve of your 'Big 60' was so difficult too (((hugs)))

 

[Margi29]

Belated Happy Birthday Slugsta. They do say 60 is the new 40
I spent the eve of my 60th trying to get Mum into bed but she wouldn't leave the lounge as she thought we were waiting to disembark off a cruise and thought I was a male crew member waiting to go ashore so when I said let's go to bed she was mortified and said she wasn't that kind of girl

Margi it doesn't get any easier does it. I can so sympathise with you over the home such a dilemma.Your brother needs to get his act together and understand the actions of your lovely Mum is the dementia. I know it must be a shock for him but he's got to understand
My Mum just picks at the underneath of the duvet cover all night long trying to tear it !!

Mum caught her leg on the commode last Friday 12.20am as I was getting her back into bed. Mum never said anything and I didn't realise till I came to lift Mums Legs into bed it was only then I saw all the blood on the carpet(cream) I grabbed towels got Mum into bed with lots of towels underneath and called the care in the community number we have. A lovely doctor rang me back and it was decided I would monitor it hoping it would stop bleeding and scab over.
Mum just went back to sleep whilst I sat watching and dabbling until 3.30am when it eventually stopped. District nurse came next day as it's gone into a haematoma so just have to monitor. It's seeped a little but there's no open wound so leaving uncovered, just having to keep legs up (not easy) and make sure it doesn't get knocked.Mums skin is so fragile now the slightest knock is a nightmare

Sam I have to agree with Margi concentrate on the sale of your house as that's what needs to be done then have some you time, time to mull things over without rushing into anything.
I hope your tum is finally settling you must feel weak with all the "loo visits"
Good to read you spent some time with a friend and managed to get lots organised. Just wish I lived closer then I could have had Pooch for an overnight stay
Sending you lots of ((((hugs))))xx

Aww @rosy18 what a way to spend the eve of your 60th, it's an awful cruel disease.

I'm hoping your poor mums legs improve quickly, the skin on an older person is tissue paper thin, and any slight knock can cause this, you are doing a fantastic job in all you do for your mum x

 

[love.dad.but..]

Belated Happy Birthday Slugsta. They do say 60 is the new 40
I spent the eve of my 60th trying to get Mum into bed but she wouldn't leave the lounge as she thought we were waiting to disembark off a cruise and thought I was a male crew member waiting to go ashore so when I said let's go to bed she was mortified and said she wasn't that kind of girl

Margi it doesn't get any easier does it. I can so sympathise with you over the home such a dilemma.Your brother needs to get his act together and understand the actions of your lovely Mum is the dementia. I know it must be a shock for him but he's got to understand
My Mum just picks at the underneath of the duvet cover all night long trying to tear it !!

Mum caught her leg on the commode last Friday 12.20am as I was getting her back into bed. Mum never said anything and I didn't realise till I came to lift Mums Legs into bed it was only then I saw all the blood on the carpet(cream) I grabbed towels got Mum into bed with lots of towels underneath and called the care in the community number we have. A lovely doctor rang me back and it was decided I would monitor it hoping it would stop bleeding and scab over.
Mum just went back to sleep whilst I sat watching and dabbling until 3.30am when it eventually stopped. District nurse came next day as it's gone into a haematoma so just have to monitor. It's seeped a little but there's no open wound so leaving uncovered, just having to keep legs up (not easy) and make sure it doesn't get knocked.Mums skin is so fragile now the slightest knock is a nightmare

Sam I have to agree with Margi concentrate on the sale of your house as that's what needs to be done then have some you time, time to mull things over without rushing into anything.
I hope your tum is finally settling you must feel weak with all the "loo visits"
Good to read you spent some time with a friend and managed to get lots organised. Just wish I lived closer then I could have had Pooch for an overnight stay
Sending you lots of ((((hugs))))xx

Hoping your mum's leg has settled down to a reasonable degree. Not the biryhday night you were hoping for

 

[Slugsta]

Just popping in to top up the ((((hugs)))) account.

 

[rosy18]

Me too Slugsta ((((((hugs))))))××

 

[Sam Luvit]

It feels like I do nothing but empty cupboards & pack “stuff” into the car to take to charity ... yet it looks no different J came round last night & nagged me to clear out the house. It was so depressing to be told I’ve not gotten anywhere

Fortunately my brother phoned to see how I was doing today, he said he can see I’ve made a big dent in the clearout That bucked me up a bit I know I have a mountain to climb, but at least someone can see I’m doing it

He also found two alternative readings, we’d both been looking, but nothing fitted, then he looked again & found these:

Do Not Stand at my Grave and Weep - Mary Frye

Do not stand at my grave and weep
I am not there. I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow.
I am the diamond glints on snow.
I am the sunlight on ripened grain.
I am the gentle autumn rain.
When you awaken in the morning's hush
I am the swift uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circled flight.
I am the soft stars that shine at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry;
I am not there. I did not die

And for the second reading - no title though & no author

God looked around his garden
And found an empty place,
He then looked down upon the earth
And saw your tired face.
He put his arms around you
And lifted you to rest.
God’s garden must be beautiful
He always takes the best.
He knew that you were suffering
He knew you were in pain.
He knew that you would never
Get well on earth again.
He saw the road was getting rough
And the hills were hard to climb.
So he closed your weary eyelids
And whispered, ‘Peace be Thine’.
It broke our hearts to lose you
But you didn’t go alone,
For part of us went with you
The day God called you home.

The second is so poignant as that’s how it felt with Mum in the last week

 

[Slugsta]

Sam, I'm glad your Bro can see that you have been working hard to clear the house - it must be soul destroying to slog away and people not notice!

I have heard that 1st reading quite often, but never the second. It does seem to reflect what you were articulating at the time (((Hugs)))