Can I ... Should I?
- Thread starter Sam Luvit
- Start date
Margi29
Registered User
Firstly thank you to everyone who sent me good wishes 
Secondly, take time @Sam Luvit , grief can sometimes make us jump into things, without our normal rational thinking head on ( believe me, after the loss of my lovely dad I didn't step back and take time that was necessary)
Enjoy some time, with friends, go on holiday, have some ' me time ' , there's no rush x
There's always a spot on our drive way for you
If I start on the parlarvar that has gone I'm scared I won't stop
Just a quick run down, mum lost it last weekend with my brother, she was stripped off again
Kept saying he was her husband, said if he didn't behave he wasn't getting any ' nookie '
I've tried to explain this is dementia, not mum ( I do understand him being freaked out by this, if it had been my lovely dad I too would have been mortified)
It only ever is this bad at night ( particularly when brother is stopping for his shifts)
I think it's the male presence??? Brother looks nothing like dad neither.
He told me last weekend he wasn't coming anymore, it was now on sister and me, we have carers staying over three nights a week to give us a break. He also doesn't want to contribute ( but has since said he would) he has had thousands of pounds over years off mum !!
Anyhow, he rang care home, got mum a place I went with oh paid deposit, ( oh said ' your mum will hate it here ' )
By the same night I completely broke down, I'm not ashamed to say I cried like a baby
Mum is ok during day, it's just night time that she is bad.
So cancelled all of mum going yet into home. ( I felt a traitor and a useless daughter)
Brother not happy
You all probably think I'm a coward or worse, but I just couldn't do it to mum.
Felt so guilty, took mum flowers, told her I love her, and for now we will plod on, with of without brothers help.
Again has I have said multiple times, I hate dementia
Secondly, take time @Sam Luvit , grief can sometimes make us jump into things, without our normal rational thinking head on ( believe me, after the loss of my lovely dad I didn't step back and take time that was necessary)
Enjoy some time, with friends, go on holiday, have some ' me time ' , there's no rush x
There's always a spot on our drive way for you
If I start on the parlarvar that has gone I'm scared I won't stop
Just a quick run down, mum lost it last weekend with my brother, she was stripped off again
Kept saying he was her husband, said if he didn't behave he wasn't getting any ' nookie '
I've tried to explain this is dementia, not mum ( I do understand him being freaked out by this, if it had been my lovely dad I too would have been mortified)
It only ever is this bad at night ( particularly when brother is stopping for his shifts)
I think it's the male presence??? Brother looks nothing like dad neither.
He told me last weekend he wasn't coming anymore, it was now on sister and me, we have carers staying over three nights a week to give us a break. He also doesn't want to contribute ( but has since said he would) he has had thousands of pounds over years off mum !!
Anyhow, he rang care home, got mum a place
I went with oh paid deposit, ( oh said ' your mum will hate it here ' )By the same night I completely broke down, I'm not ashamed to say I cried like a baby
Mum is ok during day, it's just night time that she is bad.
So cancelled all of mum going yet into home. ( I felt a traitor and a useless daughter)
Brother not happy
You all probably think I'm a coward or worse, but I just couldn't do it to mum.
Felt so guilty, took mum flowers, told her I love her, and for now we will plod on, with of without brothers help.
Again has I have said multiple times, I hate dementia
Sam Luvit
Registered User
Thank you for your input, it’s food for thought. I wasn’t planning on sinking all my cash into youngest, not even 50%, so I’d still have other options
I have to sell the house, the will & other legal stuff, so I don't have the option to get my head straight & sit around for 6 months. It’s too big for just me & ive always hated the house, so I have no desire to stay
I could give eldest £50, £5,000 or £500,000. It wouId still be spent before it even hit the account. He has no idea of the value of money. He wouldn’t even buy something you can see, it wouId be games & IT stuff that’s obsolete in a few months, with him wanting to replace it I might look at a “doer upper” around here .... but I know he wouldn’t do any of the work & getting rent out of him wouId be
In the meantime. I’m still not right, but all results are clear. I’ve not got Ebola or ecoli or even the bubonic plague, so I’ll just keep losing the weight lol. Apparently if it’s still going next week ... I should call them
I have to sell the house, the will & other legal stuff, so I don't have the option to get my head straight & sit around for 6 months. It’s too big for just me & ive always hated the house, so I have no desire to stay
I could give eldest £50, £5,000 or £500,000. It wouId still be spent before it even hit the account. He has no idea of the value of money. He wouldn’t even buy something you can see, it wouId be games & IT stuff that’s obsolete in a few months, with him wanting to replace it
I might look at a “doer upper” around here .... but I know he wouldn’t do any of the work & getting rent out of him wouId be In the meantime. I’m still not right, but all results are clear. I’ve not got Ebola or ecoli or even the bubonic plague, so I’ll just keep losing the weight lol. Apparently if it’s still going next week ... I should call them
Beate
Registered User
Well, in that case I wouldn't give eldest son a penny, LOL!
I'm just going through diagnostics for an as yet unspecified bowel problem. It could be a food intolerance, IBS etc - no one knows yet. The colonoscopy has so far not yielded results. It's got better but something's still off and it seems incredibly difficult to diagnose - so hang in there.
I'm just going through diagnostics for an as yet unspecified bowel problem. It could be a food intolerance, IBS etc - no one knows yet. The colonoscopy has so far not yielded results. It's got better but something's still off and it seems incredibly difficult to diagnose - so hang in there.
Sam Luvit
Registered User
Hi @Beate
Harsh though it sounds, I agree with you. There’s playing fair & there’s just dumb. I’d like to give eldest the £1,200 to open a Gov Help to Buy ISA, but I’m pretty sure he wouId “borrow” from it so it seems like a tough choice. Maybe if he can show me he really is growing up lol. He’s “borrowed” from me a lot over the years, I’ve yet to get anything back The silly thing is, if he’d offered to repay the first time, I’d probably have told him not to worry about it
Youngest is trying to save, working hard & doing lots of overtime to pay for driving lessons. He’s always paid his way & has only had a few months out of work since leaving college (company taken over, so not his fault). If he borrows, he pays it back without being chased.
If I wasn’t already single .... I think I wouId be now My tummy is no friend. Sorry for the overshare
Harsh though it sounds, I agree with you. There’s playing fair & there’s just dumb. I’d like to give eldest the £1,200 to open a Gov Help to Buy ISA, but I’m pretty sure he wouId “borrow” from it so it seems like a tough choice. Maybe if he can show me he really is growing up lol. He’s “borrowed” from me a lot over the years, I’ve yet to get anything back
The silly thing is, if he’d offered to repay the first time, I’d probably have told him not to worry about it Youngest is trying to save, working hard & doing lots of overtime to pay for driving lessons. He’s always paid his way & has only had a few months out of work since leaving college (company taken over, so not his fault). If he borrows, he pays it back without being chased.
If I wasn’t already single .... I think I wouId be now
My tummy is no friend. Sorry for the overshare 
Slugsta
Registered User
Morning all,
Sam, I'm sorry your tummy is still giving you so much trouble Hare are some special, tummy soothing ((((((hugs)))))) for you to share with Beate.
I know the house has to be sold, but I don't think Bro would want you out in a hurry? Especially when you are still so unwell. If necessary, get out of the house and take off in Poppet for a while to give yourself head space (once your tum has settled!). I know you don't want to keep Poppet, and I guess you will need proceeds of the house to replace her, but wouldn't she 'do' short term?
OH and I went with friends to see Evita last night - 3 of us really enjoyed it, OH tolerated it!
Sam, I'm sorry your tummy is still giving you so much trouble
Hare are some special, tummy soothing ((((((hugs)))))) for you to share with Beate.I know the house has to be sold, but I don't think Bro would want you out in a hurry? Especially when you are still so unwell. If necessary, get out of the house and take off in Poppet for a while to give yourself head space (once your tum has settled!). I know you don't want to keep Poppet, and I guess you will need proceeds of the house to replace her, but wouldn't she 'do' short term?
OH and I went with friends to see Evita last night - 3 of us really enjoyed it, OH tolerated it!
Sam Luvit
Registered User
Morning @Slugsta
Brother is happy for me to stay in the house, but I can’t afford to run it. My savings are disappearing in bills & funeral arrangements. I know I can take some back once Probate is sorted but in the meantime I still need to eat. When the house is sold I have choices, now I just have bills
Apparently because I don’t pay rent, I don’t get any help with house costs, still need insurance, council tax, gas & electric etc. Heaven only knows how they work it out, but it’s not liveable from what I can see. I have around £30 a month left over after just paying the house running costs That diet is going to be a very strict one
Lol to Evita & your OH tolerating it. My dad wouId take Mum to a show he really didn’t want to see, but often ended up enjoying it. Not always, but sometimes
I’m visiting an old friend, we stayed up till after 3 this morning, but now have an almost completed Order of Service. My eyes are gritty & I'm yawning my head off, but it feels good to have one more thing going into the “done” pile. Brother & I need to choose music & agree Readings to finish it off.
Pooch had a sleepover with J. She’s sent me photos of him settling in for the night. I don't think he’s missing me at all
Brother is happy for me to stay in the house, but I can’t afford to run it. My savings are disappearing in bills & funeral arrangements. I know I can take some back once Probate is sorted but in the meantime I still need to eat. When the house is sold I have choices, now I just have bills
Apparently because I don’t pay rent, I don’t get any help with house costs, still need insurance, council tax, gas & electric etc. Heaven only knows how they work it out, but it’s not liveable from what I can see. I have around £30 a month left over after just paying the house running costs
That diet is going to be a very strict one Lol to Evita & your OH tolerating it. My dad wouId take Mum to a show he really didn’t want to see, but often ended up enjoying it. Not always, but sometimes
I’m visiting an old friend, we stayed up till after 3 this morning, but now have an almost completed Order of Service. My eyes are gritty & I'm yawning my head off, but it feels good to have one more thing going into the “done” pile. Brother & I need to choose music & agree Readings to finish it off.
Pooch had a sleepover with J. She’s sent me photos of him settling in for the night. I don't think he’s missing me at all
Slugsta
Registered User
Morning all,
Sam, I now understand why you want to make decisions quickly! Would taking off in Poppet be an option, while you are waiting for the house to be sold? Are you and Bro both executors?
I'm glad you are visiting a friend, glad that the order of service is sorted. I was so thankful to Mum for telling me what she wanted, I just handed it to the vicar and then she told me the running order for the Order of Service sheets.
I am 60 today How did that happen?! First birthday without Mum, so mixed feelings of course. The plumber is here t the moment as the boiler started spewing out hot water last night . . .
Sam, I now understand why you want to make decisions quickly! Would taking off in Poppet be an option, while you are waiting for the house to be sold? Are you and Bro both executors?
I'm glad you are visiting a friend, glad that the order of service is sorted. I was so thankful to Mum for telling me what she wanted, I just handed it to the vicar and then she told me the running order for the Order of Service sheets.
I am 60 today
How did that happen?! First birthday without Mum, so mixed feelings of course. The plumber is here t the moment as the boiler started spewing out hot water last night . . .
Sam Luvit
Registered User
@Margi29 , repeat after me .... “I am not useless” .... now keep saying it, you are doing the best you can with the information you have, no one can do more than that, not even you
Ok. I get your brother being freaked out by your Mum stripping off, it can’t be nice to see, but it’s not really fair that he then walks away. I hope he at least dips his hand in his pocket to cover the extra needed so you can carry on
I’m guessing you’ve checked for UTI, but if this is always at night & worse with your brother, I’d guess it’s more false memory than infection. Have you tried talking with her GP to see if there is anything medicinal that might help her sleep, take the edge off her anxiety?
I’m probably way off track, but you’ve talked of your Mum getting up & trying to leave ... to get to work, to catch the bus, to get to school ... she’s trying to go somewhere or find something & it’s very real to her. With you girls, she tries sneaky (not the right word, but best I can think of .. ), behaviour. She needs to almost trick you into getting her chance to go “do” something. With your brother (male), maybe she knows that won’t work, so she tries using feminine tactics.... like I said, I could be miles off track
Meanwhile, have a hug from my secret stash, it might help a tiny bit
Ok. I get your brother being freaked out by your Mum stripping off, it can’t be nice to see, but it’s not really fair that he then walks away. I hope he at least dips his hand in his pocket to cover the extra needed so you can carry on
I’m guessing you’ve checked for UTI, but if this is always at night & worse with your brother, I’d guess it’s more false memory than infection. Have you tried talking with her GP to see if there is anything medicinal that might help her sleep, take the edge off her anxiety?
I’m probably way off track, but you’ve talked of your Mum getting up & trying to leave ... to get to work, to catch the bus, to get to school ... she’s trying to go somewhere or find something & it’s very real to her. With you girls, she tries sneaky (not the right word, but best I can think of .. ), behaviour. She needs to almost trick you into getting her chance to go “do” something. With your brother (male), maybe she knows that won’t work, so she tries using feminine tactics.... like I said, I could be miles off track
Meanwhile, have a hug from my secret stash, it might help a tiny bit
Margi29
Registered User
She's definitely ' sneaky '@Margi29 , repeat after me .... “I am not useless” .... now keep saying it, you are doing the best you can with the information you have, no one can do more than that, not even you
Ok. I get your brother being freaked out by your Mum stripping off, it can’t be nice to see, but it’s not really fair that he then walks away. I hope he at least dips his hand in his pocket to cover the extra needed so you can carry on
I’m guessing you’ve checked for UTI, but if this is always at night & worse with your brother, I’d guess it’s more false memory than infection. Have you tried talking with her GP to see if there is anything medicinal that might help her sleep, take the edge off her anxiety?
I’m probably way off track, but you’ve talked of your Mum getting up & trying to leave ... to get to work, to catch the bus, to get to school ... she’s trying to go somewhere or find something & it’s very real to her. With you girls, she tries sneaky (not the right word, but best I can think of .. ), behaviour. She needs to almost trick you into getting her chance to go “do” something. With your brother (male), maybe she knows that won’t work, so she tries using feminine tactics.... like I said, I could be miles off track
Meanwhile, have a hug from my secret stash, it might help a tiny bit
I too can't think at the moment of another word.No urine infection, I gave one to doctors on Monday. Just another down turn in disease.
Brother has said he will come over to look after mum Thursday and Friday night, I've to be on call for him, he says, then if it all kicks off again with him and mum, I have to go round and take over !!!!
So really it's not a break from mum, I dare not go out incase he rings
I said ' don't bother, we will pay for someone to come and stay with mum ' he said ' no '
I'm perplexed on his motives????
Hope the 'bug' has run away and left you in peace.
Glad you've managed some time with your friend, if it gets another item of the list, then good
It sounds like pooch is enjoying his little break too x
I brought mum round to mine yesterday, after staying overnight with her. She appeared to enjoy herself, I ironed while mum chatted, got her a bacon and egg sandwich. All good. Took her back home around 2. By yesterday evening when I rang to check on her, no memory of anything during the day.
I'm taking it a week at a time now regarding mum.
Hugs accepted thank you x
Margi29
Registered User
Happy birthday @Slugsta , I hope your getting spoilt today xMorning all,
Sam, I now understand why you want to make decisions quickly! Would taking off in Poppet be an option, while you are waiting for the house to be sold? Are you and Bro both executors?
I'm glad you are visiting a friend, glad that the order of service is sorted. I was so thankful to Mum for telling me what she wanted, I just handed it to the vicar and then she told me the running order for the Order of Service sheets.
I am 60 today
love.dad.but..
Registered User
Happy birthday Slugsta despite the weather I hope you are having a good day. I know...I turned away and when I turned back I had become 63Morning all,
Sam, I now understand why you want to make decisions quickly! Would taking off in Poppet be an option, while you are waiting for the house to be sold? Are you and Bro both executors?
I'm glad you are visiting a friend, glad that the order of service is sorted. I was so thankful to Mum for telling me what she wanted, I just handed it to the vicar and then she told me the running order for the Order of Service sheets.
I am 60 today
love.dad.but..
Registered User
Brother...maybe a pang of guilt that makes him feel he should say yes but only last resort to you having to ask as he won't offer but still knows he will call you rather than taking full responsibility for a difficult care shift?She's definitely ' sneaky '
No urine infection, I gave one to doctors on Monday. Just another down turn in disease.
Brother has said he will come over to look after mum Thursday and Friday night, I've to be on call for him, he says, then if it all kicks off again with him and mum, I have to go round and take over !!!!
So really it's not a break from mum, I dare not go out incase he rings
I said ' don't bother, we will pay for someone to come and stay with mum ' he said ' no '
I'm perplexed on his motives????
Hope the 'bug' has run away and left you in peace.
Glad you've managed some time with your friend, if it gets another item of the list, then good
It sounds like pooch is enjoying his little break too x
I brought mum round to mine yesterday, after staying overnight with her. She appeared to enjoy herself, I ironed while mum chatted, got her a bacon and egg sandwich. All good. Took her back home around 2. By yesterday evening when I rang to check on her, no memory of anything during the day.
I'm taking it a week at a time now regarding mum.
Hugs accepted thank you x
Paying for care...keeping as much of your mum's money intact if any money will come his way after she passes away?
The first time confused dad stripped off his lower half and asked me to check something on a very private part was a surprise but after the first time...it was oh well seen all that now...it wasn't all that surprising thereafter! However my older sister who looked after dad on a very rare overnight would have been mortified and couldn't have dealt with it...she once locked herself in dad's bathroom and phoned me because dad was his usual sundowning grumpy self...I had only been there 2 hours before! Once I had reassured her to just keep out of his space for a while that he wouldn't hit her and would be calm after 20 mins...which he was...I didn't need to go back on my infrequent night back with my very understanding OH. Siblings
Apologies to brother if other more caring motives but I think you know!!
Last edited:
love.dad.but..
Registered User
It feels good when everything feels as though it is falling into place and good for you to have a lovely friend to stay with for a break. If you are not sentimentally attached to the house and the running costs will feel to you like the financial burden tbey sound then starting afresh elsewhere may be a good thing. Still take as much time though as you can to think things through in terms of honing in on exactly what will be right for you. Hope your tum has improvedMorning @Slugsta
Brother is happy for me to stay in the house, but I can’t afford to run it. My savings are disappearing in bills & funeral arrangements. I know I can take some back once Probate is sorted but in the meantime I still need to eat. When the house is sold I have choices, now I just have bills
Apparently because I don’t pay rent, I don’t get any help with house costs, still need insurance, council tax, gas & electric etc. Heaven only knows how they work it out, but it’s not liveable from what I can see. I have around £30 a month left over after just paying the house running costs
Lol to Evita & your OH tolerating it. My dad wouId take Mum to a show he really didn’t want to see, but often ended up enjoying it. Not always, but sometimes
I’m visiting an old friend, we stayed up till after 3 this morning, but now have an almost completed Order of Service. My eyes are gritty & I'm yawning my head off, but it feels good to have one more thing going into the “done” pile. Brother & I need to choose music & agree Readings to finish it off.
Pooch had a sleepover with J. She’s sent me photos of him settling in for the night. I don't think he’s missing me at all
Sam Luvit
Registered User
Happy Birthday @Slugsta, hope you’ve had a chance to raise a glass to celebrate. I’m dreading next month as youngest & I both have ours then, it’s going to be very strange without Mum / Grandma
Yes, brother & I are the executors, he seems to have handed off all the paperwork etc to me along with his offer of “everything”. I’ve spent the last 24 hours working through the pile while my friend played with photos & fonts for the Order of Service.
Unfortunately I have valuations next week so I can file for Probate, along with Estate Agent measurements & photos, so running away is a dream for now. At this rate I’ll be selling Poppet just to cover the bills for the next few months I suppose if I manage that, I can at least breath easier while things plod along
Hope the boiler is now behaving. Didn’t you have trouble with that when you first moved, or was that someone else ?
Yes, brother & I are the executors, he seems to have handed off all the paperwork etc to me along with his offer of “everything”. I’ve spent the last 24 hours working through the pile while my friend played with photos & fonts for the Order of Service.
Unfortunately I have valuations next week so I can file for Probate, along with Estate Agent measurements & photos, so running away is a dream for now. At this rate I’ll be selling Poppet just to cover the bills for the next few months
I suppose if I manage that, I can at least breath easier while things plod alongHope the boiler is now behaving. Didn’t you have trouble with that when you first moved, or was that someone else ?
Slugsta
Registered User
Sam, we have had problems with this boiler on and off since we moved in (16 months ago now!). The plumber has been out umpteen times, sometimes charged us, sometimes didn't, but has not been able to fix it. We have opted for a new boiler, which we hope will be in stock and fitted next week. There goes OH's tax rebate!
Meanwhile, we have cold water, washing machine and working loos. No hot water (from taps) and no central heating. It could be a lot worse!
Meanwhile, we have cold water, washing machine and working loos. No hot water (from taps) and no central heating. It could be a lot worse!
Sam Luvit
Registered User
Hi @try again & @canary
I did think of a lodger, or students, but that wouId mean taking out a loan to clear any other debts & neither options wouId leave me any better off than I am now. As for paying rent, benefits are not paid if rent is to a relative, so that wouldn’t work either
I appreciate the ideas, but the only real solution is to sell up & move into somewhere smaller & cheaper to run. I don't need extra bedrooms, I don’t want the pressure of struggling to pay high heating bills etc. I want simple. A tiny cottage in the middle of nowhere feels ideal right now
I did think of a lodger, or students, but that wouId mean taking out a loan to clear any other debts & neither options wouId leave me any better off than I am now. As for paying rent, benefits are not paid if rent is to a relative, so that wouldn’t work either
I appreciate the ideas, but the only real solution is to sell up & move into somewhere smaller & cheaper to run. I don't need extra bedrooms, I don’t want the pressure of struggling to pay high heating bills etc. I want simple. A tiny cottage in the middle of nowhere feels ideal right now
