Can anyone help me this is a horrible situation

Discussion in 'ARCHIVE FORUM: Support discussions' started by elwoodlpool, Jun 8, 2007.

  1. Hi all not been on for a little while. Ive been thinking alot about things at the moment as you know my mum is ill with A.D and ive been thinking and i hate to but she has no cover in the event of her, i dont even want to say the word but i was wondering as my step father is a weird guy like emotions have been removed if i tried to explain him on here there would be pages and pages. But my sister Lisa who is 21 is willing to help me too. My dad i say dad because ive never called him step dad what can i say i dont trust him with any funeral arrangements and me and my sister are now wondering is there anything we could set up now to pay for mums final day as its worrying us both now so bad. I know some of you may read this and think bad of me but i dont want the woman i have put on a pedestal all my life to have a council funeral i want the best for her as she always wanted the best for me and my sister.


    Sorry to be morbid

    Mark
     
  2. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    69,537
    Kent
    This is not morbid Mark, It is practical and something that should be considered.

    I have to say I have nothing in place either.

    I think you will need to discuss this with your stepfather as he is your mother`s next of kin, officially, but you could always visit a Funeral Director for advice.

    I hope you are feeling better.
     
  3. Thats what hurts me he gets to say what happens a looser gets to decide over my mother i cant talk about him as it makes me so mad.


    Mark
     
  4. Tender Face

    Tender Face Account Closed

    Mar 14, 2006
    5,379
    NW England
    Absolutely agree with Sylvia, this is not morbid at all. In fact it's a very brave situation to face up to and acknowledge so well done you for that.

    Mark, you strike me as constantly wanted to do your best for everyone .... but all that is doing is putting YOU under more and more pressure. It may be a tough call to even discuss this with your step-father from the sounds of it ..... perhaps look at an alternative solution that may sit easier with yourself and your sister than bringing any confrontation into what is already such a painful situation for you?

    If as next of kin your step-father has the right to make certain decisions it does not prevent you from making other arrangements of your own ..... in ADDITION rather than instead of what he may ever plan .....

    There have been some beautiful ideas shared on the Dealing with Loss section of the forum recently ...... perhaps you could think about ways to celebrate your mums' life when that time comes .... but then just park the ideas until the time comes that you really have to focus on it .... and keep celebrating the time and the obvious love you still have with her now ........ in whatever way you can ....

    Much love, Karen (TF) x
     
  5. Its just made me think about a lot of things. My family has totally gone the way i never thought it would. My mums brother dont really seem too bothered my mums sister does what she can as she's in bad health. My step dad just really dont seem to care at all like he's relieved that mums in a home. even my own family in liverpool dont even really send my little girls a card. And all my thought have come to light again after loosing my uncle two weeks ago with A.D. And last week my fiancés grandma died so things have been hard. Im glad ive been a help in comforting my partner. But it makes me realise just how much my family dont really care at all about anything. I was sent a text telling me about my uncle a week later which annoyed me. And now all the thoughts i have mum's funeral arrangements which no one thinks about. I can say this my dad would have mum die as a pauper, And that really hurts me, Recent events have triggered off my Depression again, And my hypochondria as i keep getting trapped feelings in my chest and my throat goes dry like i cant swallow and im convinced i have lung and throat cancer. Ive suffered with this for about three years been to my G.P and he tells me is anxiety. What a mess eh.........................

    If i didnt have the forum to talk to i dont know what id do sometimes

    Mark
     
  6. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    69,537
    Kent
    Dear Mark,

    When you can talk about your depression and your hypochondria, it shows how well you know yourself.

    If you have had all the help you can get from your doctors, then you know deep down, only you can get yourself out of this pit.

    You cannot be responsible for other people and if you depend on the actions and behaviour of others too much, you are leaving yourself open to being hurt and let down.

    Please Mark, just try not to be affected so much by the actions of others, you can`t change them. Just try to think about yourself, your partner and your children, and your mum.

    Look after yourself. I firmly believe we are our own best friends.

    Keep posting on TP if it helps. It helps us all.

    Love xx
     
  7. noelphobic

    noelphobic Registered User

    Feb 24, 2006
    3,452
    Liverpool
    I worry about my mum's funeral at times. Not how to pay for it as that's not really an issue. I am more concerned about whether we can get through it without World War 3 breaking out between all the warring factions of the family! :eek: However, there is nothing I can do about that, whatever happens happens. Dealing with the here and now is stressful enough without worrying about the future.

    I think Norman has the right idea - one day at a time is the best way of dealing with these issues and with life in general. Just deal with today as best as you can and let the future take care of itself.
     
  8. janetruth

    janetruth Registered User

    Mar 20, 2007
    563
    nuneaton
    Oh Mark

    You are trying SO hard to deal with ALL your families problems, I know many people who have had what you call 'A PAUPERS FUNERAL' there is no shame in that.
    WE are ALL equal in the eyes of 'THE LORD' I am not a church goer and I do not follow any religious path, But to me, we are all human beings and should not judge people by thier financial position.

    Your Mum loves you and wants you to get on with your life, you are young, with a family of your own now. Your childrens future depends on you and I'm sure thats what your Mum would tell you, thats what Mums do.

    I hope you find your feet very soon.
    I wish you ALL the best Mark.
    Janetruth x
     
  9. Cate

    Cate Registered User

    Jul 2, 2006
    1,370
    Newport, Gwent
    Hi Mark

    You are so brave to be thinking about, and sharing your thoughts on the prospect of mums funeral.

    If you are not sure what mum would want, and if she hasn't left her wishes in a Will, then can I suggest that you think back to any funeral arrangements she has been involved with, for example, her own parents, this maybe a clue as to what she would want, but at the end of the day, you are her son, and I'm sure whatever decisions you make when the times comes, they will be the right ones.

    With regard your step dad, maybe he just cannot discuss this at the moment, but come the time, I'm sure you can each have your say.

    When it comes to finances, I'm sure these days there are grants available, maybe a chat to your local CAB can put your mind at rest. Trust me, it isn't like it used to be years ago, these things are handled with sensitivity and dignity, whatever the financial circumstances at the time.

    You have had a tough time recently supporting your partner in her grief, and the loss of your uncle. Give yourself some time now, try not to worry about things that may not happen for a while yet, God willing.

    Take care

    Love
    Cate xxx
     
  10. Margarita

    Margarita Registered User

    Feb 17, 2006
    10,824
    london
    #10 Margarita, Jun 10, 2007
    Last edited: Jun 10, 2007
    I wonder if your mother has a plot , that her mother & father was laid to rest in when they died ?

    As you could be able to lay her to rest they , when she passes away .

    Just that when my grandmother died in the 50s they was a place for another person on Top , that my uncle was lay to rest they in the 80s . then when my mother sister died last year we lay her in they , the old box that my grandmother was lay in root's after so many years & she turns to dust . so my untie could have her box in that plot , even thought it was just a plot for 2 boxes , that all cost £1,200 because we had the plot & the government gave her £200 towards it , she had the rest of the money saved

    I remember when my father died in 02 , my mother wanted a plot for 2 , so when she passes away she can be lay there to rest , it cost £3,000 & the head stone £600. My mother had the money so did not ask the government to pay anything forwards it

    Cremation I think is cheaper

    My parents are RC so do not like / believe in Cremation , Cremation is more on the side of church of England or Non religion & you can say if you forget religion you still have a personnel choice ether way that your like to put put to rest

    So you could start by finding out how was your grandparents on your mother side lay to rest Cremation or lay to rest in a box six foot under .
     
  11. noelphobic

    noelphobic Registered User

    Feb 24, 2006
    3,452
    Liverpool
    There is no reason these days why a Catholic cannot be cremated. I know it used to be frowned on going back a good few years ago, but there is nothing to stop it being done now if that is what is wanted. I think you are right Margarita that it is usually cheaper - my brother pointed that out when I told him my dad was being buried!

    We buried my dad because we managed to find a space in an existing family grave, where his parents, grandparents and brother were. Strangely we did not have to find the owner of the grave! He has squatters rights now anyway! :eek:
     
  12. Kathleen

    Kathleen Registered User

    Mar 12, 2005
    639
    West Sussex
    #12 Kathleen, Jun 10, 2007
    Last edited: Jun 10, 2007
    Hello Mark

    I have given this a lot of thought..........unusual for me!

    You can certainly pay for a funeral before hand , ask an undertaker for the details and costs etc.

    If you and your sister are able to pay for it yourselves, with the cost spread over time, it is probably a good solution.

    You could then tell your stepfather that you are doing this to save him the worry and expense.

    I know how draining it is trying, and failing, to come to terms with the fact that your Mum is slowly being lost to AD and, at the same time, dealing with family problems.........my brother is a 1st class pain..........but doing something positive will help you to feel a bit less helpless.


    Look after yourself and I hope you feel more positive soon.


    Kathleen
     
  13. Margarita

    Margarita Registered User

    Feb 17, 2006
    10,824
    london
    #13 Margarita, Jun 10, 2007
    Last edited: Jun 10, 2007
    Me being me had to goggle it Brenda


    http://www.americancatholic.org/Newsletters/CU/ac1097.asp

    Found that site above good read , thanks for bring that up .

    Just like my grandmother :) Main thing is its nice that they are all family together .

    I was thinking of taking my mother to Gibraltar to be with her sister , brother mother but mum got that plot in England to be with her husband .

    I think I take my father attitude to what to do with him once he pass away, he always told me to throw him in to the river Thames :eek: . he could of meant that don't worry now till it happen , then He was a man that never worry about anything , my mother Love to worry .

    So I do wonder still now then why he would of said that
    :rolleyes:
     
  14. noelphobic

    noelphobic Registered User

    Feb 24, 2006
    3,452
    Liverpool
    I think they do things differently sometimes in the USA sometimes anyway. I have heard that sometimes the body is cremated and then they have a service. That is not something we would normally do in the UK, unless the person had died overseas maybe.

    I could be wrong and have probably got most of my ideas from US dramas (Six Feet Under is good!). Perhaps Jennifer can confirm or refute this.
     
  15. Margarita

    Margarita Registered User

    Feb 17, 2006
    10,824
    london
    #15 Margarita, Jun 10, 2007
    Last edited: Jun 10, 2007
    Do you know what they do if they do a cremation with someone that is RC in UK ? it did say on that site that they ask the pope in Rome about it .

    PS found this

    http://www.havering.gov.uk/index.cfm?articleid=4659#faq4661
     
  16. noelphobic

    noelphobic Registered User

    Feb 24, 2006
    3,452
    Liverpool
    I think it is only a problem, or used to be, to actually have a service with the cremated remains there. In the UK we would either have a church service with the coffin and then go to the crematorium for another brief service, or they would have the whole service in the crematorium, so the situation doesn't normally arise.

    BTW just had another look at that site and love the St Anthony 'googler' :eek:
     
  17. Margarita

    Margarita Registered User

    Feb 17, 2006
    10,824
    london
    Just had a look
    Now I know where my son is :) his name is Anthony :cool:
     

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