Can’t Win

[Cardinal]

I just thought I would vent my frustration. This is one of the only places where almost everyone else will understand.

This morning my husband asked me if I wanted him to empty the dishwasher. I told him sure. He then started yelling why did he have to do everything. Why couldn’t I put away the dishes. I told him fine I would put away the dishes. Then he started yelling he was perfectly capable of putting away the dishes and that I must not trust him to put them away himself. I told him to go ahead and put away the dishes if he wanted. And then he circled back to why did he have to do everything and why couldn’t I put away the dishes.

At this point I decided it was time to go to the grocery even though the cabinets were full of food. An hour later I brought him back a muffin and coffee and he was fine.

 

[canary]

I expect most of us are nodding and sighing @Cardinal
No, you cant win with dementia......

 

[UncleZen]

Yup. Another day on planet dementia. It is so frustrating.
Last night. Wife eats 3 ice creams in one go. I pickup the sticks to throw away (because that would never cross her mind) and say, you've eaten 3 ice creams, she says, no they're only the sticks.
Like, what sort of weird logic is going on in that head.?

 

[Grannie G]

It`s most frustrating and the more you reason the more confusion it seems to cause.

This is what happens when loss of language , both spoken and understood is the cause.

Yes it is dementia and however frustrating , the people you are caring for @Cardinal snd @UncleZen are unable to help themselves.

See if the message on this link will help

Compassionate Communication with the Memory Impaired

The following piece was posted a while ago on DSF and made a big impression on me. It is something I have referred to time after time and tried hard to follow. We have many new members who may not have seen it before. Yesterday I posted it on another Thread but thought it might be helpful if...

forum.alzheimers.org.uk

 

[UncleZen]

Yes, I've seen that before, well, a shortened version:
BANGS

• Breath
• Agree
• Never argue
• Go with their flow
• Say sorry

Which requires some patience, that I am slowly learning.

 

[Cardinal]

Yup. Another day on planet dementia. It is so frustrating.
Last night. Wife eats 3 ice creams in one go. I pickup the sticks to throw away (because that would never cross her mind) and say, you've eaten 3 ice creams, she says, no they're only the sticks.
Like, what sort of weird logic is going on in that head.?

Your wife’s logic made me smile. I wish I could use your wife’s logic when I eat too much. I could just pretend the extra calories don’t count because the plate is now empty.

 

[Silversally]

I just thought I would vent my frustration. This is one of the only places where almost everyone else will understand.

This morning my husband asked me if I wanted him to empty the dishwasher. I told him sure. He then started yelling why did he have to do everything. Why couldn’t I put away the dishes. I told him fine I would put away the dishes. Then he started yelling he was perfectly capable of putting away the dishes and that I must not trust him to put them away himself. I told him to go ahead and put away the dishes if he wanted. And then he circled back to why did he have to do everything and why couldn’t I put away the dishes.

At this point I decided it was time to go to the grocery even though the cabinets were full of food. An hour later I brought him back a muffin and coffee and he was fine.

There is no logic, is there? My husband wanted to help and started to put things in the dishwasher. Because I know he puts in things which shouldn’t go in and leaves out other things which are OK, also puts it on half empty, I said it would be more helpful if he got washed and dressed (he was still in his pyjamas) and then light the fire. I took the dog for a walk and came 45 mins later to find him still by the sink and the dishwasher on. 🥺🤯

 

[Lawson58]

My husband made a comment about the number of dishes in the sink (mostly his) so I handed him a plate and pointed to the dishwasher. To give him credit, he is still ‘loading’ the dishwasher but I have to sneak in and reorganise it so that there is no waste of space. And he smugly tells me when he has started the dishwasher.

The mistake in suggesting that he actually do something rather than criticise was all mine but he doesn’t do much else so I shut up and don’t say a word.

 

[Cardinal]

My husband likes to help and usually does the dishes. Most of the time he does ok but every once in awhile he’ll take the clean dishes out of the cabinet and put them in the dishwasher. Then he’ll take the dirty dishes and puts them in the cabinet where the clean dishes are kept. Of course he gets angry when I step in to fix things. Thankfully this doesn’t happen too often but I always double check the dishes after he goes to bed at night.

 

[Grannie G]

I always double check the dishes after he goes to bed at night.

That`s the way to do it.

I always waited until my husband was sleeping and then I cleared his mess, put his clothes in the washer and laid clean clothes on the bed in the spare room.

 

[Silversally]

New this morning - he doesn’t want anything to eat or drink ‘because it comes out the other end’. I asked if he had had an “accident” although I was pretty sure he hadn’t and he said no. So I put his porridge and tea in front of him and he polished it off, followed by a banana.👍

 

[Cardinal]

That gave me a laugh.

 

[Silversally]

That gave me a laugh.

That is what is so good about this forum - we can get things off our chest without telling anyone who knows our PWD and being disrespectful.

 

[Cardinal]

I hope I didn’t offend you. I didn’t mean too. I just pictured my husband doing and saying the same thing. I tend to try and find the humor in most things.

It can be frustrating dealing with our PWD.

 

[Silversally]

I hope I didn’t offend you. I didn’t mean too. I just pictured my husband doing and saying the same thing. I tend to try and find the humor in most things.

It can be frustrating dealing with our PWD.

Not at all, Cardinal - it made me smile too and your comment cheered me up. It is just that I don’t feel comfortable telling friends about these incidents but can do it on here.

 

[Christy21]

I just thought I would vent my frustration. This is one of the only places where almost everyone else will understand.

This morning my husband asked me if I wanted him to empty the dishwasher. I told him sure. He then started yelling why did he have to do everything. Why couldn’t I put away the dishes. I told him fine I would put away the dishes. Then he started yelling he was perfectly capable of putting away the dishes and that I must not trust him to put them away himself. I told him to go ahead and put away the dishes if he wanted. And then he circled back to why did he have to do everything and why couldn’t I put away the dishes.

At this point I decided it was time to go to the grocery even though the cabinets were full of food. An hour later I brought him back a muffin and coffee and he was fine.

Yep. We don’t ‘volunteer’ to be carers for the thanks. My wife tells me I’m hopeless at dressing her and that only women can brush hair.
Every week another door closes; the latest was a lunch party where she started crying saying she wanted to go home.

 

[Grannie G]

Every week another door closes; the latest was a lunch party where she started crying saying she wanted to go home.

I think this is life shutting down for most carers and is the challenge most isolating.

 

[hillyjay]

It’s that abrupt and unexpected change of manner. @Cardinal, I could have written your post - except we don’t have a dishwasher 😀 My bugbear is putting things in the dryer to finish off when it starts raining. Or rather HIM putting stuff in on Hot despite my telling him to leave it and I’ll do it this time. Cue anger, ‘what, do you think I’m not capable of putting the clothes in the dryer !’
Well to be honest, I’m sick of having a selection of shrunken jumpers and too short jogging bottoms after his ‘help’. (Obvs I don’t say that to him😳)If I suggest he do the dishes while I do the dryer, he either gets huffy at being ‘told’ or else forgets entirely and ends up doing his (😬😬***🤬) jigsaws for hours to the exclusion of everything else.

 

[hillyjay]

New this morning - he doesn’t want anything to eat or drink ‘because it comes out the other end’. I asked if he had had an “accident” although I was pretty sure he hadn’t and he said no. So I put his porridge and tea in front of him and he polished it off, followed by a banana.👍

Another one here who laughed at this - sorry but….I can just see my husband coming out with that sort of remark.

 

[Silversally]

Another one here who laughed at this - sorry but….I can just see my husband coming out with that sort of remark.

😊