Breaking news of partners death to someone with dementia

[permanentlydrained]

How do I tell my mum, who has stage 5 dementia that my dad, her husband has just died?

She moved into the care home he was in, today. So has already had a lot of change in a short space of time. Sadly she didn't get to see him before he left us (though she visited last week and could see he wasn't well). She hasn't asked to see him since arriving but is asking about him constantly.

We're all obviously very upset and feel she has had enough disruption for today so haven't told her yet. If anyone else has experience or advice of dealing with a similar situation, that would be helpful

 

[SherwoodSue]

What do the home advise?
Thing is do you need to tell her?
If you do and she forgets would you tell her daily ?

I would phone an Admiral nurse and talk it through

Sorry for your loss.

 

[Izzy]

I too thought it would be best to ask the home for advice.

You might find something helpful here -

Supporting a person with dementia during a bereavement

There are lots of things to think about when a person close to someone with dementia dies. Read our advice about telling a person with dementia about a death.

www.alzheimers.org.uk

 

[permanentlydrained]

Thanks, for the answers and the condolences. The home have kind of left it up to us, possibly because they don't know her very well yet (she first went in on the day dad died which was unfortunate timing). We had managed to get her to remember he was in a care home before we lost him (it took about a month but went in eventually) it's just really upsetting having to repeat 'dad died on Monday' every 2 minutes . Some useful suggestions in the replies though.

 

[Grannie G]

My condolences on the loss of your dad @permanentlydrained

Do you need to tell your mum any more? Does she ask for your dad?

 

[My Mum's Daughter]

So sorry to hear of the loss of your Dad.

Since Mum's diagnosis, she's only lost a sister and that was during covid restrictions. I told her once but never repeated the conversation. If she asks, I'll lie through my teeth and tell her that the sister can't visit due to a bad leg.

 

[canary]

Having to tell her that he has died every 2mins is doing nether of you any good.

She can't remember what has happened, but can remember that it is something terrible so keeps asking, but every time she hears it is like the very first time that she has been told. Unfortunately, people in the more advanced stages of dementia are unable to retain the information long enough to ever be able to process it, grieve and come to terms with their loss and it just keeps on going round and round in a never ending cycle

I think it's time for Love Lies.
When she asks where he is say that he is at work, gone shopping, in the garden, or anything else that he used to do before dementia, but he will be "back soon"
It will be hard on you at a time when you are grieving yourself, but at this stage the aim is to reduce your mum's distress
xx