I have cared for my partner of 43 years for the past seven years as his dementis progressed. I have used limited day care and some respite periods, but just two weeks ago the opportunity of a room in a local care home came up and he is currently there on a trial basis. They are building a new block with en suite rooms and I hoped to hold on until they were ready but there was a dlay. He is in a nice room with food staff and a great manager. He is well cared for and safe. So why do I feel so heart broken and desperate? I didn't visit the first week but when I did he didn't seem to really recognise me. That's such a change - even though he hasn't really known who i am for about two years, he always was eager to come home after respite. this time he just sat and made no attempt. The staff say he is settled - eating, sleeping, interacting with staff and other residents. So why am i so unhappy? It's a mixture of guilt - as I am considering making the place permanent. It's a feeling of loss - he is managing without me! It's a feeling of grief - he is no longer with me. The first visit on wednesday was horrendous for me - what have I done to him? How can I leave him there with strangers? How can I do this just before Xmas? How will I live without him? Feeling guilt at the prospect of some freedom. Afraid to enjoy myself. Dreading the future. Everything in this house reminds me of him and our life prior to this illness. I am scared of visiting again and am putting it off. I have never felt so powerless. From a strong woman i have become an emotional wreck! I sit up at nights til about 2 am - just go over and over things in my head. My friends say it will get easier. Does it? Speak to me other TPs.