Big move

[Denstar]

Hello all, I really need some advice. I will try and cut a long story short. My dad suffered a major 2nd stroke in February and due to my mum not being able to cope my dad went into a nursing home. He was quite mobile but lost cognitive skills and was/is very confused. Due to him being upset all the time my step-brother took him out of the home to be his full time carer. (Yes he is my step-dad but the only dad I have ever known) Lots has happened between then and now. There has been bad feeling between my mum and step-brother. Mum feels he has taken everything away from her. He has also had £400 a week for looking after dad. Dad was assessed in hospital as not having mental capacity so court of protection is being sought.

My brother leaves my dad with my mum on a daily basis. He wants him to live with mum again. She won't cope on her own 24/7 dad is 80 and mum is 79. I live 60 miles away and have always been on the scene for mum and dad where other siblings haven't. Mum wants to look after dad and the only way this could be done is to live near me and my children who along with the support of care workers could support mum with dads care. Dad is self funding. My brother is in full support of this as I believe he is not coping. Can anyone please tell me where to start? Myself and my brother will be deputy's for court of protection.
1. Can I approach my local council for sheltered accommodation?
2. House in dads name. Can it be sold once court of protection is sorted to perhaps by a ground floor flat.
3. Mums doctor as registered both mum and dad as vulnerable adults. Should I contact social services?
I'm at my wits end worrying about my mums well being. It would be much better for everyone if they lived nearer. I just don't know where to start.
I've tried to keep this short but there's far more to it.
Thanks Denise x

 

[nita]

Hallo Denise, I thought I would respond as you have not had any replies yet, but I would caution that I am no expert.

As your father lacks capacity, any decision made about his future must be made in his best interests. The Court Order would have to specifically give you permission to sell his property and buy another for him or agree to his moving into sheltered accommodation. You need to think carefully about him living with your mother even if you were nearby - could she cope as she would be the person who would be with him most of the time? Are you prepared for the commitment it will take in the future to care for him as his condition progresses? Does he need any type of specialist care in view of his having had two major strokes? You say he went into a nursing home for a while - how did they cope with his needs?

If Social Services are involved, they will be looking to your father's best interests as it is their job to protect him and their view may be that he would be better looked after in a care home. If he is self-funding, I am not sure how much sway they have. Others will be able to answer this question better.

You mentioned home care workers - have you thought of the expense of this and how quickly your father's funds may dwindle?

Part of the CoP application is the capacity assessment form which will have to be signed by a doctor or medical professional. Have you sought their views on his care? Has your father had visits from an occupational health worker?

I would also mention that the Court Order does not allow you to be reimbursed for care, only for reasonable expenses in connection with the person. You can legitimately claim Carer's Allowance if not in receipt of another state benefit and receiving an occupational income of less than £100 (see https://www.gov.uk/carers-allowance/overview for fuller rules) but this is only £61.35 per week.

 

[Denstar]

Hi Nita, thank you for replying. I did say there was far more going on in this than I initially first posted. I tried to keep it brief. As it stands it seems my step brother can't cope and is looking for someone to blame if dad has to go back into residential care. I'm worried about my mum, the reason dad first went into the care mum couldn't cope with him. I feel my step brother is bullying her to take my dad on full time. He said he's a lot better, perhaps in the physical sense but not mentally. He has dementia as far as i understand it doesnt get better. He has moods swings that mum finds it difficult to cope with. There is so much going on I just want what's best for both mum and dad.

Denise

 

[CollegeGirl]

Hello Denise, and welcome - but what a conundrum, and I'm so sorry you're facing this.

I'm no expert either, but what jumped out at me was that if your dad had to go into a home before because your mum couldn't cope, then what is different now?

Dementia is a progressive illness and so things may not get any easier to deal with. Perhaps your dad is physically improved, but if he is declining mentally because of the dementia, then things could still be very difficult, and I worry that it's not fair on your mum, especially since it seems that she's having this forced on her, and it's not her own choice.

It was commendable of your step brother to take your dad home to live with him, but if he can't cope, a generation younger than your mum, how on earth can he expect your mum to?

Can you not organise for your dad to go back to live in the home, or another home? From what you say, that seems to me to be the right option for everyone. Let your brother blame whoever he wants to, it doesn't really matter.

I do hope you can get something sorted. I've just read my post and realised it seems a bit blunt. My apologies, I don't mean it to be!

Do keep posting and let us know how you get on xx