Behaviours and obsessions - carers - what are you dealing with?

[SeaSwallow]

Thank you @SeaSwallow I think you are exactly right, I just have to take a few breaths and ignore, ignore, ignore. Its just so hard sometimes isn't it!?

@McSuffolk I don't understand your message, sorry

Yes it is so hard at times. We need so much patience, something I sometimes lack.

 

[TryingToRetainGrace]

My dad talks about having the house we live in, and a house that is identical on the other side of the village. He sometimes puts his coat on in the evening and says he is ready to go to the other house now. He cannot remember how to go to the kitchen or to his room, it is like he does not recognise the house at all. He has lived here for 40 years.

I am not sure where it comes from but it seems from your post it is not uncommon. You are not alone, we have many strange quirks and behaviours to unpick to support the ones we love. Sending best wishes

 

[Kevinl]

The wardrobe being a spaceship, pretty spooky when I got pushed in there in the middle of the night. K

 

[TryingToRetainGrace]

The wardrobe being a spaceship, pretty spooky when I got pushed in there in the middle of the night. K

Oh wow. That must have been really scary, especially when you are half asleep. ☹️

 

[Lawson58]

Our old dog has arthritis and I have been trying to get her to lose some weight to help her. I couldn’t understand why she seemed to be putting it on as I am the one who feds the dogs. One day I found some dog treats in the drawer of his bedside cabinet and very firmly told my husband not to do it. He said Oh, but it only a couple of treats and she loves them.

A few days later, I realised that a bag full of treats had disappeared so I went on the hunt again and found them hidden away in amongst his socks. Yesterday, I found a large handful of treats mixed in with his sweaters so it was time to have that conversation again, the about not sneaking her treats.

I got quite cross with him this time. Hiding them tells that he knew he knew that he was trying to deceive me so I really gave him a lecture and his response was that I was never to go into his room ever again. I couldn’t help myself and replied (sarcastically I admit) that it was fi e by me because then he would have to clean his own room.

I will just have to leave one packet of treats out and hide the rest.

Though I have offered to do his pills, he refuses and still does them himself, actually being very meticulous about it and setting up his weekly organiser. I run my eye over them and so far so good, except that he doesn’t put the pills in the right order. Instead of having breakfast, lunch, dinner and bedtime, reverses the dinner and bedtime ones. I have tried to suggest that he puts them in the right order but of course, I wasted my breath.

And the way he insists on stacking the dishwasher looks like a dog‘s breakfast. I could go on and one but somehow we all seem to manage quirky behaviour.

 

[canary]

I really gave him a lecture and his response was that I was never to go into his room ever again. I couldn’t help myself and replied (sarcastically I admit) that it was fi e by me because then he would have to clean his own room.

I actually did that when OH got angry with me and told me I must never go into his room. OK, it was at a time when I didnt understand that he had problems and thought he was just being a pain, but the outcome was that his room didnt get cleaned for two years. Yes, thats right, two years, because, of course, he never cleaned it at all....

 

[Lawson58]

I actually did that when OH got angry with me and told me I must never go into his room. OK, it was at a time when I didnt understand that he had problems and thought he was just being a pain, but the outcome was that his room didnt get cleaned for two years. Yes, thats right, two years, because, of course, he never cleaned it at all....

OH’s study is exactly like that, disgusting. Untidy, tea stains everywhere, filthy computer screens and other stuff I won’t mention. He spends all his time in there.

But my cleaner will do his bedroom and OH won’t say a word. And even if he says I am not go in there, I still will. 🤭

 

[JoannePat]

We had a lose it moment with my dad yesterday! Out of no where he completely lost it with my husband, finger pointing shouting and then said we had to get out and he wasn't going to lunch with us. I think he was knackered and just wasn't computing what he had said.

We try so hard not to argue back but it caught us both so unawares and everything had been going so well. I reminded him we were the only people that cared for him, came around, checked in and were his general dogs bodies. On that we left...........I am not proud and I am gutted that I let him press our buttons.

I have spoken to him this morning just to remind him that the cleaner was coming, he knows he has upset us but I am just going to leave it for a few hours and not do my check in calls this morning. I am knackered too but he doesn't care, I worry about him constantly, but he doesn't care.

Sorry I'm having a feeling sorry for myself day

 

[Kevinl]

Oh wow. That must have been really scary, especially when you are half asleep. ☹️

Not really, the time when I woke up and found her sitting on the bedtime table with a calving knife in her hand was worse, somehow she'd remembered the alarm number to switch it off, got a big knife and was there to "protect me" that was scary. K

 

[SeaSwallow]

We had a lose it moment with my dad yesterday! Out of no where he completely lost it with my husband, finger pointing shouting and then said we had to get out and he wasn't going to lunch with us. I think he was knackered and just wasn't computing what he had said.

We try so hard not to argue back but it caught us both so unawares and everything had been going so well. I reminded him we were the only people that cared for him, came around, checked in and were his general dogs bodies. On that we left...........I am not proud and I am gutted that I let him press our buttons.

I have spoken to him this morning just to remind him that the cleaner was coming, he knows he has upset us but I am just going to leave it for a few hours and not do my check in calls this morning. I am knackered too but he doesn't care, I worry about him constantly, but he doesn't care.

Sorry I'm having a feeling sorry for myself day

@JoannePat We all have days like that. We do everything for our loved ones and then they turn on us for what seems like no reason. And it hurts so it is no wonder you are feeling bad today. Take care of yourself and even though it is hard try to tell yourself that it was the dementia talking not your dad.

 

[JoannePat]

Thank you @SeaSwallow I'm so grateful for your kind words. You know that feeling when all you want to do is a have a good cry and that it will release some of the tension you are holding? Well I feel like that today....I have tried everything, but nothing is working. xx

 

[Palomino]

My Mum has carers coming in 4 times a day - she gets quite aggressive with them, saying that they are going through her stuff. She's convinced that they are coming in to steal her things and as much as I try to explain that they are there to help with medication, food prep and other tasks that are very much needed, she gets a petulant look on her face.

 

[jac69]

The first list was so much like my other half. There were also several things in the replies that match him as well. It was so useful I have copied it into a word file so when His next assesment comes up I will give them a printed list. They always ask for examples and I turn into a rabbit in headlights. Part of me doesnt want him to hear the truth cos it will upset him. He thinks he is so kind and does everything for me. Part of me doesn't want to admit how bad he is and I can only think of the odd example , so while we are on the thread and he can't hear me I will add a couple more
Diet change will only eat curry, burger and chips or sausage and chips and cake chocolate more cake sweets crisps and more cake was putting winw in a tea cup so I wouldn't know.
Won't wear hearing aids people try to contact him and he doesn't want to speak to them.
Keeps his phone and keys under his pillow or in the shower or in his pocket.
Tells me every time he goes to the loo but will hide in the utility room to eat cake
Constantly wants to go out to cafes to eat then comes home and wants food
Goes to bed at 5pm if I let him then gets up every 2 hours wanting his breakfast
I say it's night time its dark outside he replies only in places.
Sits all day with tracksuit under his jeans a polo shirt 3 fleeces and his outside coat on including a woolen hat and his hood tied tightly under his chin.
Removes the hood and hat to go to bed sometimes he takes the jacket off
Germophobia he has to wear latex gardening gloves before he can touch anything except food.
In cafes once he has eaten he wants to go, asks; is it time, are we done, are we walking, ad-infinitum.
Random interjection to conversations eg Discussing the menu He will jump and say he can do one leg balances or worse knickle press ups and he has to demonstrate he gets angry if you try to stop him.
Won't believe you and will argue or do the opposite eg the shop is closed he will push you out of the way to go to it. If you touch him he will shout and say you are beating him

 

[SeaSwallow]

Thank you @SeaSwallow I'm so grateful for your kind words. You know that feeling when all you want to do is a have a good cry and that it will release some of the tension you are holding? Well I feel like that today....I have tried everything, but nothing is working. xx

You are welcome @JoannePat I totally understand what you are saying, hopefully tomorrow will be a better day. Sometimes i find that a walk in the fresh air can help, but not always.

 

[SeaSwallow]

The first list was so much like my other half. There were also several things in the replies that match him as well. It was so useful I have copied it into a word file so when His next assesment comes up I will give them a printed list. They always ask for examples and I turn into a rabbit in headlights. Part of me doesnt want him to hear the truth cos it will upset him. He thinks he is so kind and does everything for me. Part of me doesn't want to admit how bad he is and I can only think of the odd example , so while we are on the thread and he can't hear me I will add a couple more
Diet change will only eat curry, burger and chips or sausage and chips and cake chocolate more cake sweets crisps and more cake was putting winw in a tea cup so I wouldn't know.
Won't wear hearing aids people try to contact him and he doesn't want to speak to them.
Keeps his phone and keys under his pillow or in the shower or in his pocket.
Tells me every time he goes to the loo but will hide in the utility room to eat cake
Constantly wants to go out to cafes to eat then comes home and wants food
Goes to bed at 5pm if I let him then gets up every 2 hours wanting his breakfast
I say it's night time its dark outside he replies only in places.
Sits all day with tracksuit under his jeans a polo shirt 3 fleeces and his outside coat on including a woolen hat and his hood tied tightly under his chin.
Removes the hood and hat to go to bed sometimes he takes the jacket off
Germophobia he has to wear latex gardening gloves before he can touch anything except food.
In cafes once he has eaten he wants to go, asks; is it time, are we done, are we walking, ad-infinitum.
Random interjection to conversations eg Discussing the menu He will jump and say he can do one leg balances or worse knickle press ups and he has to demonstrate he gets angry if you try to stop him.
Won't believe you and will argue or do the opposite eg the shop is closed he will push you out of the way to go to it. If you touch him he will shout and say you are beating him

Hello @jac69 That is a lot for you to have to put up with. Rather than give the list to whoever is doing the assessment on the day, would it not be possible to give it to them a few days beforehand. That way you will not be doing it in front of your OH and it will also give the assessors time to read the list before the meeting.

 

[TonyD]

Hello all

I’ve found that it comforts me a little when I read posts on here that describe people with dementia displaying behaviours and obsessions that I recognise in the PWD I care for. Somehow it makes me feel less alone. We spend all our waking hours trying to understand and interpret our PWD’s needs and thoughts and it is not easy.

With that in mind I wondered if it would be useful to start a thread with our experiences so that carers can post and/or read in case it helps in any way?

I am full time carer to my PWD who has Vascular Dementia.

Some common behaviours and obsessions displayed:

• Wrapping wallet, keys and important things in kitchen towel
• When an unknown car or van parks outside, my PWD is very troubled and will keep looking at it and get stressed
• Anything not in its normal place is a cause of stress
• Opening the front door and standing on the drive. Multiple, multiple times day and night.
• Gets upset when it is dark (usually as my PWD is up at all hours, doesn’t understand time or that it is night and does not seem to sleep. Is up and dressed multiple times during night). This is not boding terribly well as we approach winter
• Bit obsessed with the neighbours who are our friends - always wants to know where they are and what they are doing
• Puts dirty dishes, cups and cutlery away in drawers
• Reluctant to go in shower or change clothes

We have many of the common ones too like wearing multiple layers, losing things all the time, wanting to go to “the other house”, restlessness and not being able to follow conversations or TV shows.

What we are doing is so, so hard. Like living nightmare. I send you all much love and wish you all the best.

Hello, that is also familiar to me. My wife has mixed dementia and most symptoms show themselves every day. It used to bother me and I used to try and correct her, but now my motto is “time to let go “. It makes it easier for me and more comfortable for her. I know it’s hard to let go and it doesn’t always come naturally, but I think that’s the right solution for my wife. You have all my sympathy and I send you hugs and love. Keep going because it’s the only thing you can do.

 

[jac69]

Hello @jac69 That is a lot for you to have to put up with. Rather than give the list to whoever is doing the assessment on the day, would it not be possible to give it to them a few days beforehand. That way you will not be doing it in front of your OH and it will also give the assessors time to read the list before the meeting.

I never thought of that thankyou it is a very good idea

 

[leny connery]

We had a lose it moment with my dad yesterday! Out of no where he completely lost it with my husband, finger pointing shouting and then said we had to get out and he wasn't going to lunch with us. I think he was knackered and just wasn't computing what he had said.

We try so hard not to argue back but it caught us both so unawares and everything had been going so well. I reminded him we were the only people that cared for him, came around, checked in and were his general dogs bodies. On that we left...........I am not proud and I am gutted that I let him press our buttons.

I have spoken to him this morning just to remind him that the cleaner was coming, he knows he has upset us but I am just going to leave it for a few hours and not do my check in calls this morning. I am knackered too but he doesn't care, I worry about him constantly, but he doesn't care.

Sorry I'm having a feeling sorry for myself day

 

[leny connery]

not that he does not care, I think, just that there is no more empathy. from morning to night, I care for him, getting him up, wash, shave (by himself so far), get dressed, eat his breakfast, administer his daily eyedrops, supervise his meds taking (he like yours, does not let me do it for him. that is fine by me, I cook meals clean house, launder clothes as well as deal with documents, appointments, banking, driving, taking him out daily when possible etc etc, you all know the drill. Yet that is not generally recognised. the self centeredness seems breath taking. He does not seem to know when I am tired, or unwell. 'I do not need looking after' is the catch phrase. so life goes on

 

[Tanzanite]

My mother, never wet herself, nor soiled the bathroom floor. The DOG had always had a wee in HER slippers, and trod ''the other' all across the floor, and ever so thughtfully tried to finish the job, sitting on the toilet seat.
The dog had always ''just left'' when it happened

Oh dear this made laugh, sorry.
I was literally in the middle of crying & it made me stop & laugh.
Thankyou for posting xx