I am an only child caring for my mum who has Alzheimer’s. I’m not alone - we are a close family and my husband and two daughters (plus husbands!) all chip in and help do mum is always included and at the centre of everything. Mum was wonderful with my children and looked after them while I worked. She wasn’t patient with me as a child but was with her grandchildren. However she is awful with her great granddaughter who is only 2. She loves her but delights in tormenting and teasing her. It’s out of character and getting harder and harder to manage. Any suggestions? Anyone else had this problem?
Behaviour around her great granddaughter
- Thread starter jlg37
- Start date
You’re not going to change this behaviour so the only solution is to protect the child by keeping her away from your mother. Is there a reason why this isn’t possible?
Obviously we intervene between them to protect our granddaughter. We look after her or she visits 3/4 days a week so keeping the. Apart would isolate my mum. We are a close family and have always moulded and adapted to suit everyone’s needs. I was just hoping someone else had experienced this and had some ideas.
Could your mom have reverted to almost childlike behavour with the teasing and tormenting? My mom has lewy body dementia and before it was diagnosed virtually all empathy went - there is now no filter with her. Nearly every time I visit she will tell me I have put on weight, my hair needs cutting etc etc and she regularly talks about the carers and other residents in a derogatory manner in front of them.
I'm not quite sure how you can stop the behaviour but maybe the same as you would stop a child - distraction, saying its not nice - kind words etc.
I'm not quite sure how you can stop the behaviour but maybe the same as you would stop a child - distraction, saying its not nice - kind words etc.
Your mum’s behaviour towards the 2 year old is unacceptable @jlg37 and I’m concerned about how it could affect the little girl if it continues. Does your granddaughter get very upset? I imagine so.
When my dad behaved badly towards someone and wouldn’t stop when asked I would tell him we were leaving if he didn’t behave - and we would. Sadly people with dementia are not always good with or for very small children even though they love them.
You have to put the child first in this case and if she says she doesn’t want to see great grandmother then try to respect this as much as you can.
I’m sorry I can’t be more positive. I came from a close family myself and know how dementia can damage these relationships.
When my dad behaved badly towards someone and wouldn’t stop when asked I would tell him we were leaving if he didn’t behave - and we would. Sadly people with dementia are not always good with or for very small children even though they love them.
You have to put the child first in this case and if she says she doesn’t want to see great grandmother then try to respect this as much as you can.
I’m sorry I can’t be more positive. I came from a close family myself and know how dementia can damage these relationships.
So I have never posted on ANY forum before, so I’m going to give this one more go and the. I’m giving up. I am well aware that the behaviour is unacceptable and please could everyone be assured that we do intervene/separate/explain/protect our granddaughter. I do not need to be told how to look after her, but thank you for your concern.
We have found that it’s easier taking them out for instance and I just wondered if anyone had any other ideas? If not, then we will just work out ways to keep them apart without isolating Mum.
Please if you are replying be kind - just bear in mind I’m asking for help for the first time ever and feel a little bruised by the implied criticism.
We have found that it’s easier taking them out for instance and I just wondered if anyone had any other ideas? If not, then we will just work out ways to keep them apart without isolating Mum.
Please if you are replying be kind - just bear in mind I’m asking for help for the first time ever and feel a little bruised by the implied criticism.
I'm sorry that you feel criticised. I don't think that posters are meaning to do that. Sometimes there isn't a good solution / a solution that everyone is happy with to a problem with dementia. People with dementia lose empathy and find it difficult to change their behaviour which is why posters have talked about keeping your mother and her great-granddaughter apart.
Perhaps the timing of visits would make a difference. The behaviour of people with dementia often gets more difficult later in the day (a phenomenon known as sundowning) and so visits earlier in the day might be better. Similarly, shorter visits might be better than long visits or overnight visits; childcare for a whole day may not long be possible. Some older people, with or without dementia, can't cope with young children for more than short visits.
Depending on your mother's abilities and interests, perhaps getting her and your granddaughter to do a joint activity (e.g. a craft activity) together, supervised by another family member, would be a good way of them spending time together. Going on outings might work too.
Is it possible that your mother is jealous of her great- granddaughter because she (naturally) gets a lot of attention or is the centre of attention? If you can't have a meaningful conversation with her about this then you might need to make sure that your mother is always getting a lot of attention when her great-granddaughter visits.
I noticed in the case of an elderly friend with dementia that she didn't cope well with several people visiting at once and all talking together. I think that she couldn't follow the conversation, couldn't contribute (because she wanted to talk about what she wanted to talk about, which often didn't relate to the topic of conversation which changed quickly - plus she could ramble on in a long monologue) and didn't like not being the centre of attention. She could get quite shirty.
It's a difficult situation. As I said above, sometimes there is no good solution. I hope that you can find a strategy or approach that works so that your mother and her great-granddaughter can enjoy spending time together.
Perhaps the timing of visits would make a difference. The behaviour of people with dementia often gets more difficult later in the day (a phenomenon known as sundowning) and so visits earlier in the day might be better. Similarly, shorter visits might be better than long visits or overnight visits; childcare for a whole day may not long be possible. Some older people, with or without dementia, can't cope with young children for more than short visits.
Depending on your mother's abilities and interests, perhaps getting her and your granddaughter to do a joint activity (e.g. a craft activity) together, supervised by another family member, would be a good way of them spending time together. Going on outings might work too.
Is it possible that your mother is jealous of her great- granddaughter because she (naturally) gets a lot of attention or is the centre of attention? If you can't have a meaningful conversation with her about this then you might need to make sure that your mother is always getting a lot of attention when her great-granddaughter visits.
I noticed in the case of an elderly friend with dementia that she didn't cope well with several people visiting at once and all talking together. I think that she couldn't follow the conversation, couldn't contribute (because she wanted to talk about what she wanted to talk about, which often didn't relate to the topic of conversation which changed quickly - plus she could ramble on in a long monologue) and didn't like not being the centre of attention. She could get quite shirty.
It's a difficult situation. As I said above, sometimes there is no good solution. I hope that you can find a strategy or approach that works so that your mother and her great-granddaughter can enjoy spending time together.
i had 2 of my grandchildren for about an hour 3 afternoons before christmas. they were 6 and 9 so not toddlers. the 6 yo is full of energy and didnt always listen to what he was being told. his sister is very quiet. my husband found even that long hard to cope with even though i was the one that was responsible. he found all the running about hard to cope with and wasnt well following the 3 afternoons. this was only for an hour and i made sure they had activities to do each time. i have had to seriously think whether i can have them again. as you know, 2yo need more looking after and im not going to insult you by questioning the way you do things. all i would say is the child is very young and explain my experiences. what you do with the information is up to you. obviously you wouldnt put your grandchild at risk but maybe need a plan as to the routine they can both follow.
Hello @jlg37
I`m really sorry you feel those of us who have replied to you have been unsympathetic or critical.
Those of us who have disappointed you are mostly speaking from experience and although we may have sounded abrupt have found to our cost, compromises don't often work.
We are discussing two people who are unable to adapt their behaviour as required. One is a two year old and one is a person with dementia.
However well supervised both are, the ideal is to make sure the little one does not experience negative behaviour at any time. It can only be damaging.
Please do not lose faith in this community. We are all experienced in the stresses and strains of caring and offer advice and support with good hearts.
I`m really sorry you feel those of us who have replied to you have been unsympathetic or critical.
Those of us who have disappointed you are mostly speaking from experience and although we may have sounded abrupt have found to our cost, compromises don't often work.
We are discussing two people who are unable to adapt their behaviour as required. One is a two year old and one is a person with dementia.
However well supervised both are, the ideal is to make sure the little one does not experience negative behaviour at any time. It can only be damaging.
Please do not lose faith in this community. We are all experienced in the stresses and strains of caring and offer advice and support with good hearts.
Im sorry - its very upsetting, but unfortunately par for the course
My mum had a repertoire of insults that used to get repeated. It made me cringe, but I sort of got used to it.
It must be upsetting for your granddaughter, though. Perhaps it might be better for her to keep away from your mum until this phase passes
keeping the 2yrs old away temporarily is not isolating your dear ma, is it? it sounds like you have a lovely supportive family who chip in their time. so she is not likely to be an isolation form mum, hopefully?
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