Be prepared! This may get confusing ...

[LoisJean]

Greetings to All...Please! Forgive me the length of this post--

I have had a troubling experience today that I need to share and I think this is the best forum to air it out in. First let me say that I have a POA for my finances and health care and she is a good friend, however she lives 30 miles away from me.

Two months ago my computer was hacked. To make a very long story short, they didn't do any damage except scare me to death and compound my difficulties with confusion. But, between my bank and the help of my financial POA, we got a new account set up and made arrangements for a new debit card. I had to keep the old account 'open' as I had arranged many months earlier for a State tax return to be put in that account and there is no way to change that information with the State. There is only a minimum balance of $5.00 in the old account...just to keep it open.

The new card came and I THOUGHT I cancelled out the old one on the few accounts where I make a monthly payment on line and replaced it with the new one.

This morning I went to my online banking account and saw that two payments that I had made several days ago using my debit card had not been taken out of my account. As I was trying to understand why that would be, I found myself becoming more and more distressed and confused. It seemed to me I ought to be able to figure out a simple way of discovering what the problem was, but I just couldn't.

As I was churning about in my murky brain, my phone rang and it was my POA telling me she had gone into my account on her computer, saw that the online payments had been charged to my old account, called the bank manager and had the amounts transferred to my new account. Several things happened to me at that moment:

1. I became terribly disoriented with what she was saying. I believe this is because I had just been looking at my new account when she called and could not 'see' what she was saying and I am already in a confused state of mind.

2. I became highly frustrated because I got the immediate sense that I had been left out of something that directly concerned me--that I hadn't been told before she took action--I felt like a child being put in the other room while the adults have a chat about things concerning me).

3. I could not find the words to describe to her how I felt and I burst into tears followed with a confused verbalizing of how I was feeling;

4. She kept interrupting me as I was trying to get my words clearer. She wouldn't let me complete or even try to complete my sentence.

5. I began to sense that I was the only one at fault and that since I am obviously no longer capable of taking care of my affairs I might as well be put in a nursing home and call it a day. I felt like I was passing through one or more of Dante's rings!

This person has been a friend of mine for years...but not close. She is not a stranger to me, but she is to my ways and to my dementia. So am I for that matter. I am still trying to understand how to function with a difficult brain--the fact is that I DO STILL FUNCTION--it's little surprises like the one I had this morning that tell me I need to be cautious now with certain activities like banking.

When I had calmed down and she had stopped talking, I suggested that she and I do my bill paying together so that she can watch me while I'm doing it. I don't know if that's the best way or not, but the simple fact is that I don't trust myself to do it alone now.

I am asking you, my friends, for help--suggestions; anything to make it easier for her. I am incredibly grateful to her for signing on to assist me. I have gone through all the fact sheets, but I think what she needs to hear is your voice. I have tried to encourage her to come on to Talking Point, but that hasn't happened yet. Anything you can suggest from your own experiences and I will copy and paste your suggestions, opinions, etc to an email for her. And, too...what more can I do to help ease this position that we are both in? I feel so lost right now.
Thanks so much to all of you.

Peace and that in abundance to us all...LoisJean

 

[Spamar]

Lois, I do feel so sorry for your distress. No experience, but lots of (((((hugs))))).

 

[AlsoConfused]

Could you persuade your friend to take out a few books from the library on the dementia journey, how to make communication easier and so on? Most of us - patient and helpers - haven't a clue about the condition early on.

My library has a small shelf full of books on dementia. One I found helpful was "The Little Girl In the Radiator".

 

[Sue J]

Hi Loisjean

Good to read you but sorry you've had/are having such a difficult time.

You know your friend, and she must be a good friend to take this on board for you but sounds like she is new to dementia and I get when you say you are too, can you send your post to her or a link to this thread ?

At the times of confusion, NOTHING makes sense and that in itself is distressing, added to it the fact that you know it is something important BANK STUFF and you are concerned to understand and get it right but at that point you can't. However, you have been able to come here later and explain it so well. It sounds like you have got your POA at the right time for you but it may be a bit harder for your friend to catch up and realise you don't want her just to 'take over'.

I get to the bit about feeling like a child - I have had that this week too, but not too bad, because people somehow struggle to understand that you still think the same,feel the same but your brain starts causing confusion.

I think it is a good idea to do the bills together, your friend will learn the way you do things but also see where/how you struggle. I do things with my home help and she now knows/can see when I am struggling and it is OK for her to 'take over' and I am relieved when she does, it then helps me get back on track. I rattle on to her about my symptoms, because I want to make it easier for her to understand and I think she does so it helps me.

Don't know if this helps, but hope it does.
Love
Sue

 

[LadyA]

I think your friend was acting with the very truest of motives, to help and protect you. That's exactly the type of alert and trustworthy person you need your attorney to be. However, I agree with Sue that for now, doing the bills together is a better idea. You need to be doing as much as you can for yourself as long as you can - with the Attorney there as a sort of safety net, at the moment. And later, she will be better equipped to take up the slack as needed without crowding you.

 

[theunknown]

'As I was churning about in my murky brain, my phone rang and it was my POA telling me she had gone into my account on her computer, saw that the online payments had been charged to my old account, called the bank manager and had the amounts transferred to my new account. Several things happened to me at that moment:

1. I became terribly disoriented with what she was saying. I believe this is because I had just been looking at my new account when she called and could not 'see' what she was saying and I am already in a confused state of mind.

2. I became highly frustrated because I got the immediate sense that I had been left out of something that directly concerned me--that I hadn't been told before she took action--I felt like a child being put in the other room while the adults have a chat about things concerning me).

3. I could not find the words to describe to her how I felt and I burst into tears followed with a confused verbalizing of how I was feeling;

4. She kept interrupting me as I was trying to get my words clearer. She wouldn't let me complete or even try to complete my sentence.

5. I began to sense that I was the only one at fault and that since I am obviously no longer capable of taking care of my affairs I might as well be put in a nursing home and call it a day. I felt like I was passing through one or more of Dante's rings!'


Hi LoisJean. Sorry to hear this is happening to you. I do want to say that these observations of yours illustrate very clearly what must have been happening for my mum before any diagnosis. Your thoughts alone make it easier for others who are dealing with dementia to understand what's happening, which is vital to moving forward.

I have deputyship, not PoA, so can't give any advice in that way, but I'd strongly urge your PoA friend to join this website, or at least read it. There's so much useful information on here, both for you and her. It's a pity she's 30 miles away, but of course distance is a problem in many of these relationships. Different countries have different laws/regulations but even in Britain the English PoA/deputyship regulations vary depending whether you're in England, Scotland, Wales, etc. Still, you can generally get an idea of what you need to know.

 

[nita]

I just wondered if it would help you if your friend were to write in simple bullet points stating what had happened and what she had done. I don't know how you are with reading and understanding and whether that would be better than talking? I thought maybe you might function better visually, seeing it put down in black and white.

You need to know what is going on with your own money - it's important to you as it would be to anyone. She may have confused you by talking too much and over-complicated things.

Perhaps tell her to speak more slowly and to listen to you when you express your confusion.

 

[BR_ANA]

You may start sending a copy of your post to your friend.
It is clear about facts and your feelings.

 

[nmintueo]

You may start sending a copy of your post to your friend.
It is clear about facts and your feelings.

Yes, I was about to say the same thing.

 

[LoisJean]

Thank You!

Thanks so very much for your input! I felt so much better reading your words of support, encouragement and all of your suggestions. I sent my POA the link to this thread and I'm hoping that she will consider all the good advise. I am sure that together we will come up with a workable solution. There are other options as well: perhaps, like Sue J., find a carer who lives close by me who can come on a regular basis.

I guess it's just that now I see I'm losing yet again another ability. To be honest with you, it's just so awful to know that I'm losing even the simple act of paying bills. It's scary. I'm not ready--but it doesn't much matter because I have no choice. I just want to move into this change gracefully. I do need to be thankful that the progression of my cognitive loss is not happening so fast that I don't have time to consider what is happening and the implications that these changes are bringing about for me and others involved in my life.

Peace and that in abundance for us all...LoisJean

 

[LoisJean]

Back to square one...

Today my friend and POA called me to tell me she would no longer be able to assist me and that she was opting out her role as my POA. She would not give me a clear reason why she is opting out but I suppose it would have something to do with my post regarding my banking experience. (I also emailed her a link to this thread hoping some of the good suggestions might help her as they did me.)

I do understand how difficult it can be for someone who is unfamiliar with dementia...(I don't understand it half of the time myself), and I respect her decision. Still, it does pose another challenge for me-- the thought of all the corrections and changes I need to make now is frightening- plus finding someone else to help out might be difficult. Always a learning experience, isn't it! I'm so GLAD that I can post these things and that can know you dear people understand.

Peace and that in abundance to us all...LoisJean

 

[Sue J]

Today my friend and POA called me to tell me she would no longer be able to assist me and that she was opting out her role as my POA. She would not give me a clear reason why she is opting out but I suppose it would have something to do with my post regarding my banking experience. (I also emailed her a link to this thread hoping some of the good suggestions might help her as they did me.)

I do understand how difficult it can be for someone who is unfamiliar with dementia...(I don't understand it half of the time myself), and I respect her decision. Still, it does pose another challenge for me-- the thought of all the corrections and changes I need to make now is frightening- plus finding someone else to help out might be difficult. Always a learning experience, isn't it! I'm so GLAD that I can post these things and that can know you dear people understand.

Peace and that in abundance to us all...LoisJean

LoisJean

I am sorry to read this and realise what a blow it must be for you. Dementia is frightening for sufferers and carers because it really is the unknown and maybe your friend found it difficult to know the real reason she opted out. When someone is able to do things without difficulty it seems easy to volunteer to do something for someone that can't but to share responsibility with someone with dementia as they adjust to declining abilities is different altogether; it is why you read of many carers relieved when their caree can no longer do something as it takes much less effort on their part when they often have an onerous task. I remember sharing my Mother's banking and it broke a straw on the Camel's back I had totally forgotten it until I found a letter she wrote to me after asking me to forgive her outburst. Sadly I now understand just how difficult it all was for her and wish I had helped more.

I hope you will be able to find someone without too much difficulty but understand you concern about it.

Does your bank have any dementia friendly approach? I.e. specially trained staff for vulnerable people? I realise you have to be careful but wonder if they may be able to help with some of your immediate bill paying difficulties?

With love
Sue

 

[AlsoConfused]

So sorry about your news LoisJean. You're being incredibly brave and doing your utmost to sort everything out beforehand ... I hope there's soon a good solution to the particular difficulties you're facing now.