1. Lulu

    Lulu Registered User

    Nov 28, 2004
    391
    I do love my Mum, and will do anything for her in the situation we find ourselves, but I also 'hate' her, feeling a lot of resentment at times. She in turn loves me, and would never let me down, and would protect me from all ills and never sya anyting hurtful toward me. Tonight, after weeks and weeks of being unable to tell her, I have finally done it. I ran her a bath at my house and then told her that due to her memory problems, she is now forgetting when she last bathed. And in the nicest way that I could, that she badly needed an all over wash. She absolutely insisted that she did take regular baths, just as always, but she got in the bath nevertheless, and did what I requested. I felt absolutely awful. She has now taken herself off to bed, not talking to me and I feel like shouting and screaming ......I want to run away somewhere where I don;t have to do these horrible things ....thanks for listening.
     
  2. Sheila

    Sheila Registered User

    Oct 23, 2003
    2,259
    West Sussex
    Hi Lulu, I can still feel the knots in my own stomach as I read your post. I used to feel just as you. Go make yourself a cuppa or have a little bevy. Then probably yet another cry my love. Then, brush yourself down, take a deep breath and start all over. Thinking of you, love and hugs, hope tomorrow is a better day for you, She. XX
     
  3. EllieS

    EllieS Registered User

    Aug 23, 2005
    170
    SOMERSET
    Wonderful People

    Dear Lulu

    You don't need me to tell you this but do always remember HOW LUCKY YOUR MUM IS TO HAVE YOU.

    You are a wonderful person.

    Somebody recently asked me to tell them that I was a wonderful person - I couldn't. But the more I think about it I'm coming round to (finding it very difficult but I'm gonna do it......) saying that Yes, ...........I am a wonderful person.

    Try and say it too - because it's true.

    Aren't folk strange!!

    Have a bath, snuggle up with a good book and feel good about yourself.

    I can't remember which of the forum member says it but "nothing lasts for ever".

    Goodnight God Bless

    Ellie
     
  4. connie

    connie Registered User

    Mar 7, 2004
    9,519
    Frinton-on-Sea
    Just thinking of you all out there in the same position.
    Role reversal, especially when you have to get Mum/Dad to bathe. Shades of chasing adolescent teenagers.
    I hate having to correct Lionel in his personal habits - and it is correction however you put it, but I am sure in another situation they would do the same to you.
    Make yourself another cup of tea..........tomorrow is another day. Connie
     
  5. 1234

    1234 Registered User

    Sep 21, 2005
    43
    bradford
    to bathe or not

    hello to all you other carers out there, i do not like identiyfing with that, but that is what we have been labeld with, so who am i to argue
    as regards bathing basic hygene matters it has become a real issue between my husband & I . I have tried to go with the flow as they say i should. but I cannot let met partner stink ( no polite way of saying this) because before AD he was so fastidious about these things and i know it would distress him, but he know just refuses to use any form of soap, tried to make it a game or even sex games and bubble fights but heis just not having any of it. any body come across similar situations or any ideas how to encourage my husband to shower, do you think it is about having some control over his life, he will also not cut his hair which does not concern me to much because he now looks like Eric Clapton ( who i fancy any way) sorry to be glib but my way of handling this horrlble desease
    , any ideas or should i just not make an issue about it. still learning how to handle this Ad business but iam improving with all your help if you need any inspiration just take a look at @jc141265 posts , amongst all this misery she still lifts my spirits(I am not her agent , but would not mind being)
    thinking about you all out there trying to make some sensce out of all that AD throws at you Pam
     
  6. Brucie

    Brucie Registered User

    Jan 31, 2004
    12,413
    near London
    Jan hit this stage and at one time the best I could manage was to get her in the shower every week, or ten days. I had to get in there with her.

    You could try turning things around and saying to him, "I'm having real trouble washing my back in the shower these days - will you come in there with me and help me?"

    People with dementia often retain their basic wish to help others, even when they spurn help themselves.
     
  7. Michael E

    Michael E Registered User

    Apr 14, 2005
    619
    Male
    Ronda Spain
    I have exactly the same problem with Monique - cannot get her to take a bath - swears to me she washes, but like teeth cleaning, it hardly happens... There is also the balance issue but for the life of me I cannot see why bathing is really such a challenge. You have done well to get your mum into the bath and she will probably forget what she was so cross about in a day or so. I feel I am not trying hard enough - should insist more - but like your mum she resists and sometimes I do not have the energy.

    for the last weeks I have been trying to get a shower installed - thought it would be in by now but have not even got to first base - I will be lucky if it happens by mid November...

    Part of me goes what the hell does it matter if she does not bath too often - ever??? and another part of me wants her to be as fresh and attractive as she always was - just seems so hard to get anything right sometimes. This illness is a loose loose situation for all involved and as long as you know that then you will never be too disappointed.
     
  8. Lulu

    Lulu Registered User

    Nov 28, 2004
    391
    felt awful last night -telling my own mother she needs a bath. Thanks everyone for replying. It had to be done because the smell was becoming intolerable, and it was unfair to leave it any longer. Shall try to make it a regular thing now, so that both of us get used to it, and her new double shower is being fitted at the moment. Just have to tell someone who understands when these things happen. THANKYOU.
     
  9. jc141265

    jc141265 Registered User

    Sep 16, 2005
    836
    Australia
    Trying to be sagelike and failing miserably!

    You probably already know this but her anger means she loves you, oh so much.

    I know its little comfort but I've noticed that people with Alzheimers can be the meanest to the ones they love the most. Its the people we love unfortunately that we take out all our emotions on. Its the people who mean something to us that can affect us. Think of divorce for example, the only nice divorce is when the two people in it no longer really care about each other and are happy to go their own separate ways, or they still really love each other, know each other and don't offend each other and come to an agreement. Divorces get messy because usually one or both still care about each other in some way but the other has changed, and so they get hurt by the other's behaviours or actions and so lash out. So too with dementia, the person you love becomes someone other than the person you thought you knew. In the case of the sufferer, they have to deal with the realisation that they are no longer the person you loved. This must be very scarey for them. Perhaps they are scared that we will stop loving them, I know I've been very mean to past loves when I thought they might stop loving me because I wasn't the person they initially thought I was. Its a self-protection thing I think.

    For people with dementia, the rest of the world seems to fade, they no longer seem to care about what strangers think of them, they care about what the people they love think about them. I know if my loved one told me I needed a bath, I'd probably lash out at them due to the embarassment, no matter whether what they said was true. And when you have only half of your faculties undamaged it is very difficult to control these emotions as a normal rational adult would, and behave tactfully, or even make peace afterwards.

    You've probably already reasoned all this out in your head and now I feel immense pressure to say something absolutely brilliant because of 1234's wonderful comments. But I am at a loss for I know that no matter how logical it all is in your head, it still hurts. And it hurts to hurt them. I have no sagelike advice on solving the bath problem either, we are blessed here in Australia with warm weather so although that means more sweat and more smell, swimming and standing in the monsoon like rain can be an easy solution! At one stage though we did resort to partial wet washer baths when Dad was asleep, only doing as much as we could until he woke, and then look innocently at him, when he opened his eyes!!

    Sorry I couldn't be of much help.
     
  10. Mjaqmac

    Mjaqmac Registered User

    Mar 13, 2004
    939
    Lulu
    Please stop beating yourself up. You are an incredibley special person to be doing what you are doing. We have all been there with the washing episodes, I even hated getting up in the mornings because I knew I had to face the washing/dressing routine and I hated myself for hating it all. (There was a lot of hating going on generally directed at myself). You are coping really well in a terrible situation, you have more bottle than most to be a carer so you stand up tall and be proud of yourself. All of the feelings and emotions you are having are normal feelings in an abnormal situation. You're somebody wonderful and don't you dare forget it!
     
  11. Rosalind

    Rosalind Registered User

    Jul 2, 2005
    203
    Wiltshire
    Does sense of smell deteriorate?

    I too have to take a firm line with my husband, who will shower when nagged, but simply does not notice that he is putting on disgustingly cheesy socks from yesterday, or is wearing decidedly whiffy clothes.

    He maintains that no one can smell their own pong, which I don't find the case.

    Could there be some sort of deterioration of the sense of smell with the deterioration of the brain? Are memory and smell in the same part?
     
  12. daughter

    daughter Registered User

    Mar 16, 2005
    824
  13. Michael E

    Michael E Registered User

    Apr 14, 2005
    619
    Male
    Ronda Spain
    I wonder why folks with AD all seem to wish to forget bathing?

    I also suspect that most Brits are obsessed with bathing - the only time I really worry about Monique not bathing is when she smells - like at the moment - just wish I could get the double shower fitted sooner but....

    Have to admit that during my time, living in my boat, sailing round the world - showering - bathing stopped being a priority - in fact with the scarcity of fresh water made it sometimes totally impossible - on the 3000 miles from Galapagos to Marquises I would occasionally get to work with buckets of sea water and washing up liquid but certainly no more frequently than weekly!!! On anchorage I would swim every day or so but not with soap... I also found in the tropics that if you did not shower too often the mosquitoes stayed away but if you did they came for lunch!!!!

    My feeling is that if you are living outside, with fresh air all around together with a gentle breeze then it is not too much of a problem if you 'pong' very slightly. If you are in an enclosed interior area with other people even two day socks can arouse suspicion!!!

    Bet there are very few that agree with me - but I am just trying to keep a sense of proportion - we want our love ones to smell nice and our love ones do not seem to give a s**** about it - Different priorities I guess.........
     
  14. Nutty Nan

    Nutty Nan Registered User

    Nov 2, 2003
    785
    Buckinghamshire
    Michael is right: when AD invades your life, your priorities change and the main aim is that the 'patient' is comfortable, calm, happy ..... if that means a pullover inside-out or back-to-front, mismatched shoes or less-than-pristine socks, so be it.
    I can cope with all that, as it is just superficial. But recently, my husband has suffered a tummy bug, and with that the situation has become a bit more tricky. He steadfastly refuses to get into the bath (a difficult task due to co-ordination problems), and I am concerned that he will get sore through lack of hygiene. When I approached him with a 'Wet Wipe' he nearly floored me: it felt so cold on his skin! I have since timed my 'approaches' to the occasions when he is changing clothes, and by placing several 'Wet Wipes' on top of a very hot 'hot water bottle' for a few moments, I've succeeded, at least partly, to give him a helping hand without upsetting him too much, as he hardly notices the 'Wet Wipes' once they are warm. - Not perfect, but another of our numerous compromises.
     
  15. Norman

    Norman Registered User

    Oct 9, 2003
    4,348
    Birmingham Hades
    I am so glad that we had the double shower fitted,we would never have coped with the bath.
    Although there is some reluctance,some mornings to shower we get there,even if we have a mini-row. ;)
    Showered,dressed and it is soon forgotten.
    Peg has learned some little things(in the shower)hold the rail--go forward---stick your bum out under the shower--give me the sponge and I will do the back end.
    Three cheers for the double shower.NO :eek:
    Norman :D
     
  16. unpaid slave!

    unpaid slave! Registered User

    Oct 12, 2005
    1
    isle of wight
    I used to have all these problems with Mum and bathing. Here's my solution. Firstly never tell them they smell or need a bath. What I do is, fill the bath, plonk lots of nice Marks and Spencer smellies in, get lovely soap, warm towels, warm bathroom, coffee on the side, never drunk but Mum likes the thought of it, take her in the bathroom, tell her does she fancy the idea of a bath, then she gets the idea, there is no pressure from you, no argument, and it is a nice relaxing affair. Everything must be ready so they see it all looking nice. Mum has had alzheimers for 7 years, I have found out that if you are calm it helps as they soon pick up on tension. and if at the end of the day they throw a fit and refuse to get in, what's wasted, a tub full of water, but so far Mum has always said "What a good idea " and got in, no more arguments over "I don't want a bath" etc. Good luck. We have got into a routine of a sleep, electric blanket on ready, after a bath, so she now realises it's all quite a good idea!!
     
  17. jc141265

    jc141265 Registered User

    Sep 16, 2005
    836
    Australia
    Smells, regression and nasty rumours

    Rosalind, yes sense of smell can be affected. See:
    http://www.memorylossonline.com/pastissues/winter2001/smelltestforalzheimer.html

    Also on re-reading this thread I got to thinking how much I hated having a bath when I was a kid, I used to kick up quite a fuss, funnily enough it was my Dad then trying to get me to go for a shower. I often think about that when I'm feeding him too, and think to myself, well he's getting his own back now! :rolleyes:

    My 11yr old step-daughter is the same, never wants to go for a bath and quite happily wears the same clothes day after day, unless you stop her. Makes me think this is just another case of Alzheimer's being like a backward progression, in other words regression into childlike ways. When my Dad was first diagnosed it was weird as my sister has 4 kids under 10 and Dad has had the disease for 6 years, and again and again we'd see him lose a skill that they were just learning. Problem is, when its your kid they're used to obeying you and they aren't 6 foot tall :eek: when you are trying to convince them of the joys of bathing. :(

    One last thing, I was surprised to see Michael state that
    you know guys if that's true then that nasty rumour Aussies like to perpetuate about you guys would turn out to be false! :p My hubby to be is a Brit although he's lived in Australia since he was 6, and when he doesn't want to shower I always say its his English background showing through! I shower once or twice a day here depending on activities, never less than once a day, what is the norm in the UK?
     
  18. Michael E

    Michael E Registered User

    Apr 14, 2005
    619
    Male
    Ronda Spain
    ?I shower once or twice a day here depending on activities, never less than once a day, what is the norm in the UK?

    Nat, in the UK nobody ever showered until the 70's 80's - houses simply did not have them - you had a bath - lay drinking coffee or wine and reading a book in your own dirty water!! Yanks had showers...

    Not sure where you are in Oz but the UK is pretty cold for 6 months of the year - and not that much warmer for the other 4 months so summer, when you would want to shower several times a day, exists only for a maximum of two months during which time most of the able bodied population are on holiday in hot sunny places showering several times a day!!!

    the rep of the company who might install my double shower for Monique is now saying Mid December to start work on the bathroom..... Getting a shower installed is harder than getting Monique to wash properly - must be lesson in that somewhere. aaah!
     
  19. JANICE

    JANICE Registered User

    Jun 28, 2005
    23
    SOUTHAMPTON
    Reading all your posts about bathing/showering has definitely helped me come to a decision about our bathroom. My husband is not that bad yet that he wont wash/shower although he has never been a great one for taking a bath. Admittedly he has to be gently reminded to take a shower but will have a wash every day without too much prompting . We are having the bathroom revamped after Christmas and I have been dragging my heels over deciding whether to have the bath taken out and have a double shower put in but I think after reading your comments it will definitely be the shower. Obviously as he deteriorates this problem will come up and I think it will definitely be easier for me to get him into the shower than the bath so - bye-bye bath!!


    Janice
     
  20. Lulu

    Lulu Registered User

    Nov 28, 2004
    391
    Well all is well that ends well. There were no repercussions following bath night, and last night I ran her another bath, just telling her it was ready, and off she went. It was lovely seeing her all clean looking and sweet smelling afterwards -exactly the feelings I used to get after bathing my babies! It was just getting over that hurdle of doing it the first time, but as you say, it's all forgotten now on her part, and having done it once, I should now be able to take control of it. (for the moment?!)
    THANKYOU FOR LISTENING
     

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