Balancing caring with work and kids

[Gallusliv]

My dad has dementia which has progressed quite quickly since his long time partner went into care herself in June. He has almost no short term memory, but his long term memory is still fairly good. In addition to this, he has prostate cancer (which he’s forgotten about) and limited mobility. We have just moved him into a care home after he spent 8 weeks in hospital then intermediate care.

My dad phones me 10-20 times a day asking to get out of the home and go home (though he doesn’t remember where his home was). I try to visit him most days but it’s over an hour commute from my house so it means I’m spending little time with my own kids and is also impacting on my work. I just feel so guilty all of the time and his calls are very distressing, though I try to stay calm when I’m speaking to him. I have no idea how I can better balance things and ensure I can be there for everyone. I feel my girls are being robbed of a nice Christmas period but my dad’s immediate emotional needs are taking precedence. Most of the time he doesn’t remember I’ve visited but I know he appreciates it when he sees me. If anyone has any advice I’d be grateful, at the moment I feel I am going under and the thought of going back to work where I also have to be there to care for the kids and staff I work with is overwhelming.

 

[Jessie5]

Please put your children first. I know you love your Dad, but brutally he’s had his life. Your children are just starting theirs and need their Mum.

As you are finding your Dad is unwell and unhappy with this awful illness and nothing you can do will change that. Your visits briefly make him happy, but sadly it is only ever going to be a brief respite. So you really need to cut back for your sake and your children’s.

Decide what you CAN comfortably do and then put some boundaries in place and stick to them. Maybe cut visiting to once or twice a week. It will be hard and your Dad may not like it but your kids and you will benefit hugely.

Your Dad is safe and cared for and he no longer needs you, but your kids do.

I know this probably sounds harsh, but this is leaned from my own experience of juggling care for both parents and my kids for the past 12 years. I wish I’d realised some of this sooner. It is so blooming hard, but something does have to give. Don’t let that be you as your children need their Mum.

Sending virtual hugs and strength

 

[Sarasa]

Welcome to Dementia Support Forum @Gallusliv .
How is your dad phoning you? All those calls aren’t doing you or your dad any good. While he is focusing on you sorting out his problems, he won’t settle in the home and engage with the staff. If they are letting him use the phone maybe ask them to distract him. If he has his own mobile, maybe it could develop a ‘fault’. If there are any problems the home would let you know. I’d also cut right back on the number of times you visit. Again that will help in settle better.
You sound like a loving daughter, but your own family needs are just as, if not more important.

 

[Violet Jane]

Some care homes advise relatives not to visit for a few days or a couple of weeks to allow the PWD to settle.

You can't go on doing what you're doing. You have a job and children. It's different for retired people who have no other caring responsibilities. Do not give up work or cut back your hours. Nobody is going to compensate you for financial losses or the loss of your career. Your children need you and will not get the time back. Life expectancy for an individual PWD can't be predicted but it's not uncommon for people with dementia to live in a care home for three or four years (my mother lived in a home for over four years) and so you're looking at quite a long timescale. Your father is not getting any real reassurance from his calls to you as he will be forgetting that he has spoken to you. You need to block your father's number and ring him when it's convenient for you. Realistically, you are not going to be able to visit very often. Decide what you can manage and stick to that. Do not feel guilty. It's not your fault that your father is ill and your free time is very limited.

 

[Rosettastone57]

I can only agree with others, your children come first. Stop visiting so much, don't take any calls ,let him engage with the care staff rather than rely on you. All the time you are interacting with him, he won't turn to the care staff for his needs and he won't settle. If he's using a mobile phone, get rid of it. I'm sure this all sounds harsh, but honestly it's all based on personal experience

 

[nic001]

My dad has dementia which has progressed quite quickly since his long time partner went into care herself in June. He has almost no short term memory, but his long term memory is still fairly good. In addition to this, he has prostate cancer (which he’s forgotten about) and limited mobility. We have just moved him into a care home after he spent 8 weeks in hospital then intermediate care.

My dad phones me 10-20 times a day asking to get out of the home and go home (though he doesn’t remember where his home was). I try to visit him most days but it’s over an hour commute from my house so it means I’m spending little time with my own kids and is also impacting on my work. I just feel so guilty all of the time and his calls are very distressing, though I try to stay calm when I’m speaking to him. I have no idea how I can better balance things and ensure I can be there for everyone. I feel my girls are being robbed of a nice Christmas period but my dad’s immediate emotional needs are taking precedence. Most of the time he doesn’t remember I’ve visited but I know he appreciates it when he sees me. If anyone has any advice I’d be grateful, at the moment I feel I am going under and the thought of going back to work where I also have to be there to care for the kids and staff I work with is overwhelming.

I really feel for you, it must be incredibly difficult for you.
You’re trying to do so much, but there is only one you. I agree with what others have said I would try to reduce your visiting, the care staff are there to look after dad so let them do it and let yourself have some of your life back. Maybe visit every other day and see how that feels.
My own mum used to call me a lot when she lived at home, in the end I did take her phone away so she didn’t go into her care home with one. A love lie that there is something wrong with it will address this and also you can ring the home when you want to to see how your dad is, rather than the other way round. It will help your dad settle more and also reduce your stress levels. It’s the best thing for everyone. Take care of yourself xx