Bad feelings

[Dutchman]

To be honest, @Dutchman, I thought I was the worst caregiver in the world. I've never had a patient temperament and I suffer from B12 deficiency which makes me feel fatigued and extremely irritable and impatient on top of being naturally that way. I try hard, but my husband's behaviour lately is taking its toll on me. Love does take a battering. MH spent his first week in respite a few weeks ago. While he was away, I missed him terribly and could only think of the man I used to know. A few days after he returned home, I couldn't understand why on earth I'd missed him! There is no meaningful conversation between us. He is a very different person these days, almost like a stranger. Apart from his dementia, he has good health whereas me, 10 years younger, do not have and my (selfish) concern is that looking after him for heaven knows how long, will see me pass away before he is even in care. I want a life, even for a couple of days a week, but MH refuses to attend day care and because he won't allow me to wash and change him, I couldn't take him anyway as he looks and smells disgusting. We live in a small, one-bedroomed cottage and I feel trapped between these 4 walls 24/7. His stay in respite was not a success as he was in a strange environment and was disruptive and punched a caregiver. I am selfish enough to want a way out, but I feel it's not time to put him into care yet. He still knows his surroundings and recognises me. His latest behavioural challenge is that instead of using the loo, he goes outside and pees in the garden or defecates into a plastic bucket and comes inside smelling of poo, but refuses to wash or let me change him. I really don't know what to do next. I am in the process of re-instating home help, but if he won't let me wash him, I can't see him allowing a stranger to. Perhaps if there were male caregivers around it would help, but alas, no.

Hello.

This business of self neglect was a game changer for me. For a very long time Bridget wouldn’t wash her hair not even if i offered to help. Then it was not changing her clothes and going to bed fully dressed. Then eventually, like you describe, she never washed at all and became smelly. I became reluctant to take her anywhere.

No amount of of pleading, begging , bargaining, shouting, rationalisation made any difference. In fact it made it worse. I gave up in the end. Even a carer visiting twice a week made no difference.

The dilemma is that we still love and dementia eats away at that bit by bit. Now i’m away from it and Bridget is well cared for, she’s clean and well dressed, i feel my love for her made me me do the kindest thing when i gave her to the care home to look after( although it didn’t feel that way at the time) . My poor love must have been in agony and very frightened in those last weeks at home.

My prayers and best wishes go to you

Peter

 

[White Rose]

Perhaps if there were male caregivers around it would help, but alas, no.

Goodness I do feel for you @Pusskins it sounds like you're having a really rough time, the not washing business must be awful. My partner was in respite a few weeks ago and wouldn't shower there, he was quite agressive as well, didn't like the other residents, all female. He was in respite at another home before and was fine, really enjoyed it and had a couple of male friends there. The reason he couldn't go to the first one was because they were only doing 4 week minimum respites, now it's down to 2 weeks so he'll be going there again in August. I understand what you mean about missing them ... until they are back home!! I was looking at photos of us on various holidays pre-dementia, I can barely remember the man he was then and it makes me really sad to see photos of the man he used to be.
About the male carers, my partner has 3 male carers while I'm at work - he used to go to day care but they're not open at the moment. Two of the carers are from an agency and the other works for himself and I found him via a website called www.care.com. The freelance one is particularly good, he's so helpful, doing the ironing, cleaning up the kitchen or whatever needs doing. I generally do the personal care bit but my partner can't be left alone now so the carers are more there to take him for walks, entertain him, make him drinks and snacks, etc. Keep looking, maybe you'll find a male carer, they do exist!

 

[Thethirdmrsc]

Hi @Pusskins i have had a 2 week trial of carers in the morning, and next week we go to 3 days a week. They are mainly women, but there has been 1 man, but what a difference they make. I thought it wouldn’t work because of my OH awful behaviour, but he likes them, and they are used to this sort of thing, and banter with him and cajole, and they get the job done. Give it a go.