1. alex

    alex Registered User

    Apr 10, 2006
    I woke up this morning feeling anxious and nauseous..........i have not felt like that since my partner died 5 months ago............its strange but when you lose the most important thing, then there is nothing left thats important enough to feel anxious about!

    At first i was not sure why i felt like this, but then i realised it was two things.......the least important is that i'm due to go on holiday to Malaga this week and now the time is near..........i don't want to go!.............Since Ray died, i sort of replaced him with work!........work keeps me sane, i know it will still be here when i get back, but i find myself worrying about not keeping busy..........i know that sounds stupid...........but it will be the first holiday without him and thats gonna be bad enough without not having something to keep my mind occupied!

    The other and most important thing is that my grandson is due to be born on 6th December and my daughter-in-law has asked me to be at the birth (i thought that was really sweet as she is quite close to her own mum yet she asked if i would be there) i'm really looking forward to it, however, she went into labour yesterday morning and she's having a really tough time............. at the moment i'm dashing backwards and forwards to the hospital, (that brings back memories) but they are saying its going to be a slow labour and it might go on until Monday!.............the problem is that its the same hospital where Ray died..........same entrance, same corridors, same lift, same drinks machines.......etc, etc and i know this should be a happy occasion, but my heart sinks everytime i walk through that door!.............i can't help feeling sad............sad because of the memories that hospital holds............sad because he won't see the baby (when he finally arrives!)............sad because he's not coming on holiday............just sad!

    I know i should not be feeling like this as i have lots of positive things in my life to consentrate on at the moment.............i'm just having trouble remembering what they are!

    Sorry.............just wanted to get this out! Maybe i've just got the baby blues!

    Love Alex x
  2. Amy

    Amy Registered User

    Jan 4, 2006
    Hiya Alex,
    I don't think that you are being stupid at all. I know that even under normal circumstances, though I may moan about it, I find the routine of work days reassuring. Are you going on holidaywith friends?

    The only consolation with the hospital that I can think of, is that once the baby has been born, that drinks machine, those doors may also hold happy memories.
    Don't expect too much of yourself Alex - you are still in very early days, no wonder you are feeling sad at the moment - the happy things that you have going on in your life are things that you wish you could be sharing.

    Let us know when your grandson arrives, we'd like to be able to share that with you.
    Love Helen
  3. Nutty Nan

    Nutty Nan Registered User

    Nov 2, 2003
    Dear Alex,
    I have been amazed at your positive outlook and attitude ever since you have been posting: you have been through such a traumatic time, yet you have always counted your blessings.
    You are bound to be sad and emotional, especially going back to the hospital that is such a tangible reminder of your very recent heartache. There is a very, very thin line between sadness and happiness. Allow yourself a few tears, they are supposed to wash away a lot of the dark clouds ..... I am sure the arrival of your baby grandchild will allow you to take a big step on the road to recovery, something bright and wonderful to focus on.
    I am thinking of you, and wish you many peaceful hours just gazing at your little bundle of joy!!
  4. alex

    alex Registered User

    Apr 10, 2006
    Hi Amy

    Yes i'm going with 'the girls' and i know they understand, i'm sure i will enjoy it, its just me being silly, i think its just waiting around hospital corridors that brought the memories flooding back............i was doing really well until then........i was starting to feel as though i had things to look forward to and the sad days were lessening...........its just avoiding triggers i suppose, but i could not avoid this one, as i wanted to be there! but your right, it will have happy memories once the baby is born (can't wait!:D ) Mind you...knowing my luck........i'll get to Malaga, unpack and then i'll get a phonecall to tell me to come back! but it will be worth it!

    Hi Nutty Nan

    Thanks for your message,..........i will spend lots of time looking at him, infact Linzi will be lucky to get her hands on him!..........i've got his car seat ready!!!!:D
    It makes it all the more special, as she had a miscarriage when Ray was in intensive care, but he did know she was pregnant before he took ill and he was really excited about it!

    The positive side is that at 46 ......i'm young enough to have lots of fun with him!:D

    I don't mean to sound down, as i do have lots of other things to look forward to, the hospital just triggered a few bad memories! but you never know......today is remembrance day and i might have a day to remember!:D

    Love Alex x
  5. noelphobic

    noelphobic Registered User

    Feb 24, 2006
    Is this your first grandchild Alex? How exciting! I am a smilar age to you (just turned thirty seventeen last Monday!) but my only child is 18 and has just started uni so hopefully I won't be a grandparent for a while yet!

    I am suffering from empty nest syndome at the moment, which may explain in part why I have been feeling particularly fragile!

    When do you go on holiday?
  6. alex

    alex Registered User

    Apr 10, 2006
    Hiya Noelphobic

    Nice to have you back where you belong on tp!
    Happy birthday for last Monday.............hope you had a good one!

    I have a two year old grandaughter (i must have started early!:D )..........she is absolutely beautiful and we spend lots of time together and we have loads and loads of fun!.........(whenever i've felt down, i take her out for the day and she has me in stitches at the things she says!) Like you i have an only child (a son........spoilt rotten!) but as they say 'the ultimate reward is your childs child' so i'm really looking forward to my grandson!

    I know the empty nest feeling, but they are right what they say about grandchildren........... you can spend as much time with them as you choose and its nice to hand them back at the end of the day!.........the only problem is my grandaughter won't go home!!!:rolleyes:

    The empty nest feeling does not last long, but yes you do feel very fragile when it happens............i think 'redundant' and 'not needed' was the words someone said to me!...........but its not true in your case noelphobic as there is a job for you here and your needed on tp :D :D :D

    Love Alex
    PS I go on holiday 6am Thursday!
  7. Brucie

    Brucie Registered User

    Jan 31, 2004
    near London
    Well I inherited two children and two grandchildren from Nina's family, and now there is a new granddaughter as well. My first time with children, and at my age!

    Fantastic! I've filled my 500 gigabyte hard disk with photos and video from my digital camera. I only got the PC as a replacement last April.

    My suggestion for both your grandchild and the holiday.... buy yourself a digital camera if you don't have one! Immerse yourself in making new memories to complement the ones you already have.

    I bought our 8 year old grandson a digital camera and they have just come back of holiday in Cuba with fantastic photos, and the camera was not an expensive one.

    Diversion, when possible, is a respite in itself for a period of loss.

    Take care, and hope the trip goes well!
  8. mel

    mel Registered User

    Apr 30, 2006
    Hi Alex
    i think helen is absolutely right....your awful memories of the hospital will be replaced with happier memories of a new life , new hope.
    If you're worried about the holiday ...why not take your laptop and log into TP and chat to all your friends here??? you can even keep in contact with work if you like!!! But don't worry....I'm sure you'll find plenty to do
    You have a really good holiday...you deserve it!
    Wendy xx
  9. alex

    alex Registered User

    Apr 10, 2006
    Hi Brucie

    Good idea............i think the best therapy in the world is a bit of retail therapy!..........and shopping is what i do best!
    I can't find my digital camera, so its a good excuse to go shopping :D

    Thats a good one Bruce......I never thought of that!........i should use that one on my bank manager next time i overspend!;) You never know.......i might even get away with it!:D :D

    Your never too young or too old to have granchildren Brucie! they are a blessing at any age!

    Love Alex x
  10. alex

    alex Registered User

    Apr 10, 2006
    Hi Wendy (mel) chuck, duck, hinny!

    Welcome back!

    Now i know your pulling my leg................i said i was sad..........not mad!:D

    But if i do make the holiday........ i will try to enjoy it!

    Love Alex x
  11. dmc

    dmc Registered User

    Mar 13, 2006
    #11 dmc, Nov 14, 2006
    Last edited: Feb 1, 2007
    hello alex

    just wanted to wish you a happy holiday
    have a good'un!!:D
  12. alex

    alex Registered User

    Apr 10, 2006
    Hiya Donna

    Thanks for the message (the aeroplane is brilliant!)............the little imp has got me on tender hooks......i just know he's gonna wait til i'm on that plane!

    Your attached images are excellent!.........where do you get them from?

    Love Alex x
  13. angela.robinson

    angela.robinson Registered User

    Dec 27, 2004
    New Life

    hi alex , congratulations , on taking the holiday , another step foward .what news on the grandson ?i am just back from holiday myself today ,and i also have a new grandson born on the 20 nov . to be called AARON I BELIEVE . not yet seen him , will have that pleasure tomorrow, something to look forward to JIM would be thrilled if he were here , as all my grandchildren were girls ,whom he adored , BUT when would there be a boy to carry on his name ,????well there is another little brother , born just before JIM died, and he was not aware of him ,i am sure he will be watching over them now. angela
  14. alex

    alex Registered User

    Apr 10, 2006
    Hi Angela

    Hope you had a good one!............i was wondering when you were back!

    Yep.... my little grandson arrived on thursday night, he's tiny and i'm still on cloud nine, but i know what you mean, even with me, the event is somehow not quite complete, but ..........we have to get on with it and make the most of the gift we've been given, and they are a gift.........so very precious...........so you enjoy your day with Aaron tomorrow and give him an extra kiss from Jim, i'm sure he'd approve.

    Love Alex x

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