I woke up this morning feeling anxious and nauseous..........i have not felt like that since my partner died 5 months ago............its strange but when you lose the most important thing, then there is nothing left thats important enough to feel anxious about!
At first i was not sure why i felt like this, but then i realised it was two things.......the least important is that i'm due to go on holiday to Malaga this week and now the time is near..........i don't want to go!.............Since Ray died, i sort of replaced him with work!........work keeps me sane, i know it will still be here when i get back, but i find myself worrying about not keeping busy..........i know that sounds stupid...........but it will be the first holiday without him and thats gonna be bad enough without not having something to keep my mind occupied!
The other and most important thing is that my grandson is due to be born on 6th December and my daughter-in-law has asked me to be at the birth (i thought that was really sweet as she is quite close to her own mum yet she asked if i would be there) i'm really looking forward to it, however, she went into labour yesterday morning and she's having a really tough time............. at the moment i'm dashing backwards and forwards to the hospital, (that brings back memories) but they are saying its going to be a slow labour and it might go on until Monday!.............the problem is that its the same hospital where Ray died..........same entrance, same corridors, same lift, same drinks machines.......etc, etc and i know this should be a happy occasion, but my heart sinks everytime i walk through that door!.............i can't help feeling sad............sad because of the memories that hospital holds............sad because he won't see the baby (when he finally arrives!)............sad because he's not coming on holiday............just sad!
I know i should not be feeling like this as i have lots of positive things in my life to consentrate on at the moment.............i'm just having trouble remembering what they are!
Sorry.............just wanted to get this out! Maybe i've just got the baby blues!
Love Alex x
At first i was not sure why i felt like this, but then i realised it was two things.......the least important is that i'm due to go on holiday to Malaga this week and now the time is near..........i don't want to go!.............Since Ray died, i sort of replaced him with work!........work keeps me sane, i know it will still be here when i get back, but i find myself worrying about not keeping busy..........i know that sounds stupid...........but it will be the first holiday without him and thats gonna be bad enough without not having something to keep my mind occupied!
The other and most important thing is that my grandson is due to be born on 6th December and my daughter-in-law has asked me to be at the birth (i thought that was really sweet as she is quite close to her own mum yet she asked if i would be there) i'm really looking forward to it, however, she went into labour yesterday morning and she's having a really tough time............. at the moment i'm dashing backwards and forwards to the hospital, (that brings back memories) but they are saying its going to be a slow labour and it might go on until Monday!.............the problem is that its the same hospital where Ray died..........same entrance, same corridors, same lift, same drinks machines.......etc, etc and i know this should be a happy occasion, but my heart sinks everytime i walk through that door!.............i can't help feeling sad............sad because of the memories that hospital holds............sad because he won't see the baby (when he finally arrives!)............sad because he's not coming on holiday............just sad!
I know i should not be feeling like this as i have lots of positive things in my life to consentrate on at the moment.............i'm just having trouble remembering what they are!
Sorry.............just wanted to get this out! Maybe i've just got the baby blues!
Love Alex x