Hi Everyone,
Haven't been here for a while.
I have now been couselling for 4 weeks, it started out so well, and I had made a huge difference, the last 10 days bought the reality back. Went counselling last week and held it together after a very, very bad Thursday. Last week was dire, came home Tuesday from a note from the carer to say that Mum had lost it and started swearing and shouting at her and then started throwing things at her (luckily nothing that caused and damage), the same carer has been coming twice a week for months, although she has done this before, Mum has always saved this special treatment for the family.
My health has deteriorated over the past month, Dr thinks I have either an ulcer or a hiatus hernia, and I am still waiting for a camera down the throat to decide, need to have chest xray this week and blood tests to see if thyroid is adding to it . After another dreadful Thursday went to see my Counsellor on Friday and totally fell apart. She is worried for my mental state and fears a total breakdown. GP obviously has concerns, hubby and kids are here for support but know from the past I need to hit the bottom before they can help me. I have hit the bottom now big time.To scared to arrange respite as I don't know how she will react.
Took her out for lunch yesterday to avoid the rushes and save my blushes . It was like lunching with a stranger. Everyday I cry, everyday I hate myself a little bit more
I hate to her her voice, and I draed to think what she is gonna do next.
So many of you are going through much tougher times than I, yet I have to surrender. I CANNOT COPE.
Mum's CPN is due to come see her tomorrow, and I delivered letter today so she knows what has been happening. I have admitted defeat I can no longer cope. I don't sleep because of constant heartburn and a persistant cough (months now), I cry all the time, I "hate" what she has done to me and my family...
I hate myself for feeling like this. I am rubbish and I have failed. My counsellor asked on Friday why it mattered to me so much what Mum looks like. It is all I have left, abilities - GONE, conversation - GONE, personality - GONE, facial expressions - GONE, humour - GONE, compassion - GONE, ability to care - GONE, personal care - GONE, the least I can do is try and make her look like my Mum... So yes it does matter what she looks like.
She dresses like no one loves her, wear day clothes to bed and pyjama tops in the day. Today she put her clothes on backwards. I am not super woman, and I cannot do this anymore. I love my Mum to pieces, I just don't like her anymore
Jan
Haven't been here for a while.
I have now been couselling for 4 weeks, it started out so well, and I had made a huge difference, the last 10 days bought the reality back. Went counselling last week and held it together after a very, very bad Thursday. Last week was dire, came home Tuesday from a note from the carer to say that Mum had lost it and started swearing and shouting at her and then started throwing things at her (luckily nothing that caused and damage), the same carer has been coming twice a week for months, although she has done this before, Mum has always saved this special treatment for the family.
My health has deteriorated over the past month, Dr thinks I have either an ulcer or a hiatus hernia, and I am still waiting for a camera down the throat to decide, need to have chest xray this week and blood tests to see if thyroid is adding to it . After another dreadful Thursday went to see my Counsellor on Friday and totally fell apart. She is worried for my mental state and fears a total breakdown. GP obviously has concerns, hubby and kids are here for support but know from the past I need to hit the bottom before they can help me. I have hit the bottom now big time.To scared to arrange respite as I don't know how she will react.
Took her out for lunch yesterday to avoid the rushes and save my blushes . It was like lunching with a stranger. Everyday I cry, everyday I hate myself a little bit more
I hate to her her voice, and I draed to think what she is gonna do next.
So many of you are going through much tougher times than I, yet I have to surrender. I CANNOT COPE.
Mum's CPN is due to come see her tomorrow, and I delivered letter today so she knows what has been happening. I have admitted defeat I can no longer cope. I don't sleep because of constant heartburn and a persistant cough (months now), I cry all the time, I "hate" what she has done to me and my family...
I hate myself for feeling like this. I am rubbish and I have failed. My counsellor asked on Friday why it mattered to me so much what Mum looks like. It is all I have left, abilities - GONE, conversation - GONE, personality - GONE, facial expressions - GONE, humour - GONE, compassion - GONE, ability to care - GONE, personal care - GONE, the least I can do is try and make her look like my Mum... So yes it does matter what she looks like.
She dresses like no one loves her, wear day clothes to bed and pyjama tops in the day. Today she put her clothes on backwards. I am not super woman, and I cannot do this anymore. I love my Mum to pieces, I just don't like her anymore
Jan