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At breaking point. Again.

irisheyesaresmiling

Registered User
Nov 13, 2020
25
0
I sit here crying as I write this. I have come very close over the last week to feeling like I want to give my mother a bloody good slap. I’ve had to remove myself from her company and go somewhere I can actually vent my complete frustration. My mothers scratching makes me feel physically sick: she will NOT STOP MOVING. We try to watch TV, but there she is scratching and pulling her hair, tapping, humming, trying to tie the hair has pulled out knots: sniffing her hair, putting it on the floor and then trying to blow it away. I cannot take it any more. When I ask her to stop, she shushes me, tells me to mind my own business and argues that it is my imagination. I would never hurt her, but my god sometimes I’m so stressed that I think it would be worth spending time in prison!!!

the rest of my family seem to deal with it ok.
I don’t need reminding ‘she can’t help it.’ and ‘it’s not her fault’. I’m exhausted trying to keep her busy and her hands occupied. I’m trying to turn a blind eye, but her constant moving is always getting my attention.
I really wish she could go to a care home where ot would be a pleasure to visit her. At the minute the scratching is resulting in me not even wanting to be near her.

the guilt is massive,
 

Catastrophe

Registered User
Feb 15, 2019
77
0
Totally understand, some things can tip us over the edge and it's difficult to cope. As I mentioned in another thread I have been known to hide in a cupboard because I just can't take anymore moaning. Or going for a brisk walk, (more like a stamp) around the block after trying to explain for the millionth time that he can't have the ceiling of his room lowered to a few inches above his head, for one thing the doors would not be able to open.

So I am right there with you.
 

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
76,342
0
Kent
I really wish she could go to a care home where ot would be a pleasure to visit her.

Is there any reason why a care home is not an option @irisheyesaresmiling?

It sounds as if you as the primary carer have reached the stage where you are finding your mother`s behaviours unmanageable and are under too much stress.

If the family are not too disturbed by the behaviour, perhaps they will agree to residential care or take on more of the actual hands on caring.

Forgive me if I`ve got it wrong.
 

irisheyesaresmiling

Registered User
Nov 13, 2020
25
0
I’m just hanging on by my fingers! I moved 2 months ago into town to be nearer help for him, and I live for my 5 hours a week respite🥴
5 hours a week does not sound like a lot. Has there been a review recently? I got one could not cope with only 5 hours. That must be exhausting for you.
 

irisheyesaresmiling

Registered User
Nov 13, 2020
25
0
Is there any reason why a care home is not an option @irisheyesaresmiling?

It sounds as if you as the primary carer have reached the stage where you are finding your mother`s behaviours unmanageable and are under too much stress.

If the family are not too disturbed by the behaviour, perhaps they will agree to residential care or take on more of the actual hands on caring.

Forgive me if I`ve got it wrong.
Hi, im
Not the primary carer by a long shot but I do spend a lot of time in her home to give the primary carer (dad) some time to catch up with things. I’ve been in the same room as dad when mum is pulling her hair out, but it goes unnoticed. I wish I could do the same, but I feel like I’m going to throw up when I see it. My dad also frequently falls asleep which means mum is left to her own devices. She’s not able to get outside but I came back one time To her attempting to make a cup of tea. She has absolutely no understanding of danger so that was worrying.
The rest of the family shut down when I mention a care home. Really it’s probably just me that isn’t coping with it and I’m not sure why that is.
 

Bunpoots

Volunteer Host
Apr 1, 2016
6,420
0
Nottinghamshire
It doesn’t sound as though your dad can cope with your mum by himself
@irisheyesaresmiling . If he’s falling asleep it’s leaving your mum quite vulnerable. Have they had a care needs assessment recently?

I used to help my dad look after my mum and I found her bizarre behaviour very stressful. Mum was in and out of carehomes and hospital and I used to wish dad would just accept that mum needed to be in a carehome and we just couldn’t cope. If I wasn’t running round after them, as well as working 50+ hours a week, I was worrying about mum and about the pressure it was putting on my exhausted dad and mum’s twin sister.

I can imagine how you feel.
 

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
76,342
0
Kent
Really it’s probably just me that isn’t coping with it and I’m not sure why that is.

I think the problem is that you are seeing it as it really is and are taking the brunt of the worry.

You have two vulnerable adults on your hands @irisheyesaresmiling and I really do think you are the primary carer even if you do not recognise it in yourself. You are certainly showing the most concern about both parents and it is resulting in affecting your own health.
 

Thethirdmrsc

Registered User
Apr 4, 2018
674
0
O
5 hours a week does not sound like a lot. Has there been a review recently? I got one could not cope with only 5 hours. That must be exhausting for you.
oh yes it is! I think I’m going to ask for a weeks respite. My daughter is worried that I will just carry on until it’s too late. Never been one to ask for help, but this is so different, isnt it?
 

Bunpoots

Volunteer Host
Apr 1, 2016
6,420
0
Nottinghamshire
I think @Grannie G has hit the nail on the head @irisheyesaresmiling . Both of your parents sound very vulnerable. Who know what your mum might get up to while your dad’s asleep. You have two vulnerable adults and I think it’s time to spell this out to SS and get the care your parents need regardless of what the rest of the family think.
 

DreamsAreReal

Registered User
Oct 17, 2015
431
0
Sounds utterly excruciating, @irisheyesaresmiling - you have my sympathy. No use to you, but I had to remove myself today for the same reason. If your nerves are already jangling it won’t take much to push you over the edge. GrannieG is a very wise lady!

I keep telling myself pwd can’t change her behaviour, so I have no alternative but to change my reaction to that behaviour. But it’s easier said than done! Make sure you’re caring for yourself too, give yourself some time out to relax or do an activity that’s just for you. Best wishes.
 

irisheyesaresmiling

Registered User
Nov 13, 2020
25
0
Thanks everyone. I’m going to follow it up tomorrow. If mum was to move into a care home, does she have to stay there all day everyday, or could we take her out a walk etc?
 

Sarasa

Volunteer Host
Apr 13, 2018
5,048
0
Nottinghamshire
Hi @irisheyesaresmiling , before Covid hit, I could take mum out from her care home whenever I wanted as long as I said she wouldn't be there for lunch or whatever. Visiting wasn't restricted either, though it made sense not to go too late. I could book in and have dinner with her if I'd wanted though I never did so. There were also no limits to the number of family that could visit. Most other homes would have similar fairly relaxed policies. The pandemic put paid to all that, but things are gradually easing off, though I doubt they'll be back to normal for a year or two yet. If you are considering some respite for your mum, ask what the current rules of the home are. Mum's home was much more relaxed last time I visited, though I think mum is past going out for walks or to a café now.
I hope you manage to get something sorted.
 

Ramblingrose

Registered User
Feb 2, 2020
78
0
I too get to screaming point with my mother. I have to walk out before I really lose the plot. It annoys me when people criticise me for loosing my patience. Well, they should spend a day with her and see how they cope. I could write a full page on her behaviour and obsessions! Don't feel guilty as you are not alone in the way you feel.
 

JC51

Registered User
Jan 5, 2021
267
0
We as carers for our PWD are the only ones who know what it’s really like. I just wish there was some way to make the Health minister, minister for social services etc spend a month living alone with a PWD, perhaps we might get a different outcome.
 

jennifer1967

Registered User
Mar 15, 2020
12,775
0
Southampton
We as carers for our PWD are the only ones who know what it’s really like. I just wish there was some way to make the Health minister, minister for social services etc spend a month living alone with a PWD, perhaps we might get a different outcome.
the only problem being that they have it in mind that they are only there temporarily and can go home after the months up. its not something without end
 

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