At a loss

[Double hit]

Both my parents have dementia, covid & the lockdown brought us to a bit of a crisis point. Their routines which had kept everything going to some degree went out the window & all hell broke loose! My dad became verbally aggressive to mainly my mum but also to me & my husband. I have just managed to get my dad officially diagnosed (mixed dementia, Alzheimer's & vascular) but my dad is in total denial & refuses to except that anything is wrong with him. My mum is still waiting to be assessed but has clear signs & symptoms of Alzheimer's, she is also quite frail physically. I have had to give up my job as a carer to support them. They need support with medication & now my mum can no longer manage to cook a main meal. I get up at 7am every morning to deliver that days medication, I have to ring every evening to make sure they've taken their evening dose. Sometimes they still miss some of their meds. I'm having to visit them every day sometimes several times a day. I get constant calls from my mum in tears as dad has got angry about something or other & she wants me to do something. When i suggest support options she refuses. I get calls in the middle of the night, dad is shouting at her & wants to throw her out the house. When i get there all is calmer & he's gone to bed, she refuses to go to bed & sleeps in the chair downstairs. I've just organised meals on wheels, my dad says he doesn't want them & I'm getting abusive phone calls from him everyday about it. He says he'll cook his own meals, my dad has never cooked more than a fried egg in his life! I've tried to get care support for them but they've both refused it & dad just gets angry & verbally aggressive at any attempt to help in any way. I'm at a lose as to what to do. I can find no information or support to deal with this type of situation. Everyone & everything assumes that only one partner with have the dementia not both & that the person with dementia will except help willingly. I have LPA's for them both & the Drs seem to take that as a magic wand where I can just put in place any support they both need without any problem. I can't when any attempt is met with verbal abuse to not just myself but to my mother & my father refuses to let me in the house, which I might add my brother & myself actually own. Their case has been to safeguarding but because they are not judged as completely lacking capacity all of the time & when offered support they've refused it nothing changes.
I have extensive experience & knowledge of dementia from my job but when it's your own parents it's a totally different ball game & I've never come up against anyone quite like my father before or my parents situation. I have my own family & I can only provide so much support. I'm fed up of spending all my time on the phone trying to communicate with Drs/nurses/pharmacists etc. I'm fed up of being given leaflets & fact sheets that to be honest are absolutely no help whatsoever. What I want is people to listen, see the issues & put in place practical solutions. Even if the only option is full time care, I want the professionals to stop expecting me to do everything when all I'm faced with is an angry, aggressive man with dementia who won't comply.
I feel like I'm just waiting for something awful to happen to one or other of them before someone will actually do something.

 

[karaokePete]

Hello and welcome @Double hit

That is a stressful situation, to say the least.

I regret that I have seen it stated that in these circumstances it takes a crisis to bring help - as you suggest in your last lines.

Maybe others will be along to offer the benefit of their experience in similar situations - I hope so.

 

[kindred]

Both my parents have dementia, covid & the lockdown brought us to a bit of a crisis point. Their routines which had kept everything going to some degree went out the window & all hell broke loose! My dad became verbally aggressive to mainly my mum but also to me & my husband. I have just managed to get my dad officially diagnosed (mixed dementia, Alzheimer's & vascular) but my dad is in total denial & refuses to except that anything is wrong with him. My mum is still waiting to be assessed but has clear signs & symptoms of Alzheimer's, she is also quite frail physically. I have had to give up my job as a carer to support them. They need support with medication & now my mum can no longer manage to cook a main meal. I get up at 7am every morning to deliver that days medication, I have to ring every evening to make sure they've taken their evening dose. Sometimes they still miss some of their meds. I'm having to visit them every day sometimes several times a day. I get constant calls from my mum in tears as dad has got angry about something or other & she wants me to do something. When i suggest support options she refuses. I get calls in the middle of the night, dad is shouting at her & wants to throw her out the house. When i get there all is calmer & he's gone to bed, she refuses to go to bed & sleeps in the chair downstairs. I've just organised meals on wheels, my dad says he doesn't want them & I'm getting abusive phone calls from him everyday about it. He says he'll cook his own meals, my dad has never cooked more than a fried egg in his life! I've tried to get care support for them but they've both refused it & dad just gets angry & verbally aggressive at any attempt to help in any way. I'm at a lose as to what to do. I can find no information or support to deal with this type of situation. Everyone & everything assumes that only one partner with have the dementia not both & that the person with dementia will except help willingly. I have LPA's for them both & the Drs seem to take that as a magic wand where I can just put in place any support they both need without any problem. I can't when any attempt is met with verbal abuse to not just myself but to my mother & my father refuses to let me in the house, which I might add my brother & myself actually own. Their case has been to safeguarding but because they are not judged as completely lacking capacity all of the time & when offered support they've refused it nothing changes.
I have extensive experience & knowledge of dementia from my job but when it's your own parents it's a totally different ball game & I've never come up against anyone quite like my father before or my parents situation. I have my own family & I can only provide so much support. I'm fed up of spending all my time on the phone trying to communicate with Drs/nurses/pharmacists etc. I'm fed up of being given leaflets & fact sheets that to be honest are absolutely no help whatsoever. What I want is people to listen, see the issues & put in place practical solutions. Even if the only option is full time care, I want the professionals to stop expecting me to do everything when all I'm faced with is an angry, aggressive man with dementia who won't comply.
I feel like I'm just waiting for something awful to happen to one or other of them before someone will actually do something.

You cannot continue to do this, it’s too much. Please consider telling social services that you can no longer provide this level of support, that they have the responsibility for these two vulnerable people not you and that you are stepping back. The tough part is then lowering your level of support. You could stress to SS that you think the situation is so fragile that it appears to be an accident waiting to happen. I know it’s hard, warmest, Kindred

 

[Veritas]

@Double hit
Your mother is clearly at risk from your father - and they are both highly vulnerable and need far more direct support and supervision than you can possibly be expected to provide. If you have not come across this level of challenge in your professional carer experience it suggests to me that an urgent assessment is required by both of them. I'd get on to social services immediately and insist on this, even if they've been round before. Your GP isn't going to organise it, by the sound of it, but you can. If the social worker thinks there's a medical management problem here, they can activate the GP with a reasonable degree of authority (and you will be able to back that up). You should also claim your entitlement to a carer needs assessment.

It sounds like such a difficult situation for you, and I am very sorry that you felt you had to give up your job. That is really unfair to you, and the sooner the services that your parents need get organised and provided the better.

In the meantime, have you tried the AS helpline - alternatively there may be an Age UK near you that would be able to give you some information and advice, and may even be providing some services that might be helpful at some point. On the financial front, are your parents claiming all the benefits they're entitled to? I'm thinking attendance allowance (don't need a formal diagnosis for that) as well as Council Tax exemption. Also, if you aren't earning Carer's allowance is worth claiming - it's a pitiful amount but it does mean your NI contributions will be credited, and that's important for your own financial position down the line.

 

[Izzy]

Welcome to the forum @Double hit.

I’m so sorry to read about your situation. It sounds horrendous.

I agree that you should contact social services and say that you can no longer provide the level of support you are giving. You will be heading for carer breakdown if you try to keep going.

The Dementia Connect Helpline details are below. Please also think of giving them a ring and talking things through with them -

Dementia Support Line

If you need dementia support, we’re here for you. Get personalised information, support and advice by calling us on 0333 150 3456.

www.alzheimers.org.uk

I’m so glad you have found this forum. Please keep posting here.

 

[Hazara8]

Both my parents have dementia, covid & the lockdown brought us to a bit of a crisis point. Their routines which had kept everything going to some degree went out the window & all hell broke loose! My dad became verbally aggressive to mainly my mum but also to me & my husband. I have just managed to get my dad officially diagnosed (mixed dementia, Alzheimer's & vascular) but my dad is in total denial & refuses to except that anything is wrong with him. My mum is still waiting to be assessed but has clear signs & symptoms of Alzheimer's, she is also quite frail physically. I have had to give up my job as a carer to support them. They need support with medication & now my mum can no longer manage to cook a main meal. I get up at 7am every morning to deliver that days medication, I have to ring every evening to make sure they've taken their evening dose. Sometimes they still miss some of their meds. I'm having to visit them every day sometimes several times a day. I get constant calls from my mum in tears as dad has got angry about something or other & she wants me to do something. When i suggest support options she refuses. I get calls in the middle of the night, dad is shouting at her & wants to throw her out the house. When i get there all is calmer & he's gone to bed, she refuses to go to bed & sleeps in the chair downstairs. I've just organised meals on wheels, my dad says he doesn't want them & I'm getting abusive phone calls from him everyday about it. He says he'll cook his own meals, my dad has never cooked more than a fried egg in his life! I've tried to get care support for them but they've both refused it & dad just gets angry & verbally aggressive at any attempt to help in any way. I'm at a lose as to what to do. I can find no information or support to deal with this type of situation. Everyone & everything assumes that only one partner with have the dementia not both & that the person with dementia will except help willingly. I have LPA's for them both & the Drs seem to take that as a magic wand where I can just put in place any support they both need without any problem. I can't when any attempt is met with verbal abuse to not just myself but to my mother & my father refuses to let me in the house, which I might add my brother & myself actually own. Their case has been to safeguarding but because they are not judged as completely lacking capacity all of the time & when offered support they've refused it nothing changes.
I have extensive experience & knowledge of dementia from my job but when it's your own parents it's a totally different ball game & I've never come up against anyone quite like my father before or my parents situation. I have my own family & I can only provide so much support. I'm fed up of spending all my time on the phone trying to communicate with Drs/nurses/pharmacists etc. I'm fed up of being given leaflets & fact sheets that to be honest are absolutely no help whatsoever. What I want is people to listen, see the issues & put in place practical solutions. Even if the only option is full time care, I want the professionals to stop expecting me to do everything when all I'm faced with is an angry, aggressive man with dementia who won't comply.
I feel like I'm just waiting for something awful to happen to one or other of them before someone will actually do something.

Both my parents have dementia, covid & the lockdown brought us to a bit of a crisis point. Their routines which had kept everything going to some degree went out the window & all hell broke loose! My dad became verbally aggressive to mainly my mum but also to me & my husband. I have just managed to get my dad officially diagnosed (mixed dementia, Alzheimer's & vascular) but my dad is in total denial & refuses to except that anything is wrong with him. My mum is still waiting to be assessed but has clear signs & symptoms of Alzheimer's, she is also quite frail physically. I have had to give up my job as a carer to support them. They need support with medication & now my mum can no longer manage to cook a main meal. I get up at 7am every morning to deliver that days medication, I have to ring every evening to make sure they've taken their evening dose. Sometimes they still miss some of their meds. I'm having to visit them every day sometimes several times a day. I get constant calls from my mum in tears as dad has got angry about something or other & she wants me to do something. When i suggest support options she refuses. I get calls in the middle of the night, dad is shouting at her & wants to throw her out the house. When i get there all is calmer & he's gone to bed, she refuses to go to bed & sleeps in the chair downstairs. I've just organised meals on wheels, my dad says he doesn't want them & I'm getting abusive phone calls from him everyday about it. He says he'll cook his own meals, my dad has never cooked more than a fried egg in his life! I've tried to get care support for them but they've both refused it & dad just gets angry & verbally aggressive at any attempt to help in any way. I'm at a lose as to what to do. I can find no information or support to deal with this type of situation. Everyone & everything assumes that only one partner with have the dementia not both & that the person with dementia will except help willingly. I have LPA's for them both & the Drs seem to take that as a magic wand where I can just put in place any support they both need without any problem. I can't when any attempt is met with verbal abuse to not just myself but to my mother & my father refuses to let me in the house, which I might add my brother & myself actually own. Their case has been to safeguarding but because they are not judged as completely lacking capacity all of the time & when offered support they've refused it nothing changes.
I have extensive experience & knowledge of dementia from my job but when it's your own parents it's a totally different ball game & I've never come up against anyone quite like my father before or my parents situation. I have my own family & I can only provide so much support. I'm fed up of spending all my time on the phone trying to communicate with Drs/nurses/pharmacists etc. I'm fed up of being given leaflets & fact sheets that to be honest are absolutely no help whatsoever. What I want is people to listen, see the issues & put in place practical solutions. Even if the only option is full time care, I want the professionals to stop expecting me to do everything when all I'm faced with is an angry, aggressive man with dementia who won't comply.
I feel like I'm just waiting for something awful to happen to one or other of them before someone will actually do something.

.
Your dilemma sounds like it should warrant attention from ' emergency respite services ' as things are clearly overwhelming .
Unfortunately it seems to be a familiar scenario: a crisis develops and matters become unmanageable and then people pay attention. Assessment is clearly required and without delay.

 

[NHB]

Both my parents have dementia, covid & the lockdown brought us to a bit of a crisis point. Their routines which had kept everything going to some degree went out the window & all hell broke loose! My dad became verbally aggressive to mainly my mum but also to me & my husband. I have just managed to get my dad officially diagnosed (mixed dementia, Alzheimer's & vascular) but my dad is in total denial & refuses to except that anything is wrong with him. My mum is still waiting to be assessed but has clear signs & symptoms of Alzheimer's, she is also quite frail physically. I have had to give up my job as a carer to support them. They need support with medication & now my mum can no longer manage to cook a main meal. I get up at 7am every morning to deliver that days medication, I have to ring every evening to make sure they've taken their evening dose. Sometimes they still miss some of their meds. I'm having to visit them every day sometimes several times a day. I get constant calls from my mum in tears as dad has got angry about something or other & she wants me to do something. When i suggest support options she refuses. I get calls in the middle of the night, dad is shouting at her & wants to throw her out the house. When i get there all is calmer & he's gone to bed, she refuses to go to bed & sleeps in the chair downstairs. I've just organised meals on wheels, my dad says he doesn't want them & I'm getting abusive phone calls from him everyday about it. He says he'll cook his own meals, my dad has never cooked more than a fried egg in his life! I've tried to get care support for them but they've both refused it & dad just gets angry & verbally aggressive at any attempt to help in any way. I'm at a lose as to what to do. I can find no information or support to deal with this type of situation. Everyone & everything assumes that only one partner with have the dementia not both & that the person with dementia will except help willingly. I have LPA's for them both & the Drs seem to take that as a magic wand where I can just put in place any support they both need without any problem. I can't when any attempt is met with verbal abuse to not just myself but to my mother & my father refuses to let me in the house, which I might add my brother & myself actually own. Their case has been to safeguarding but because they are not judged as completely lacking capacity all of the time & when offered support they've refused it nothing changes.
I have extensive experience & knowledge of dementia from my job but when it's your own parents it's a totally different ball game & I've never come up against anyone quite like my father before or my parents situation. I have my own family & I can only provide so much support. I'm fed up of spending all my time on the phone trying to communicate with Drs/nurses/pharmacists etc. I'm fed up of being given leaflets & fact sheets that to be honest are absolutely no help whatsoever. What I want is people to listen, see the issues & put in place practical solutions. Even if the only option is full time care, I want the professionals to stop expecting me to do everything when all I'm faced with is an angry, aggressive man with dementia who won't comply.
I feel like I'm just waiting for something awful to happen to one or other of them before someone will actually do something.

 

[NHB]

to have to deal with both parents is not nice at all & I feel your pain. I find it hard to have to deal with just my mum & lockdown has definitely made her worse. I found no matter what issues I dealt with in my work capacity, when confronted with the same problem in my personal life, it takes on a whole new meaning. Suddenly, you cannot cope, all that you know is suddenly out of reach when you need that support! No one you can turn to. Leaning on each other to get through the situation is fundamental. The problem doesn't go away but talking or as I am doing now, which is texting you, is a great way of releasing some of the tension.

You have to find a way of talking to dad which he will except. Sadly, while for 1 or 2 days of talking in the same will work, you may find that on the 3rd day, he may not accept that way of communicating, so you have to find another way. it is a never ending journey for you both. I have said it before & I will say it again, dementia is a cruel disease, it changes their personality. they become aggressive, angry, volatile, lying, hiding things, swearing, sexual behaviour, the list is endless. It is very hard work having to deal with these different characteristics from one person. It is even harder not to take things personally. I have dealt with my mum's split personalities for many years & her abuse towards me, when all I have done is care for her & try to find a way of making her happy. Dementia people have one characteristic which is the same & that is that they make those caring for them their punch bag! I wish I could tell you it will get better or that things will get easier, but that really does depend on how progressive both your parents condition gets. It is about excepting that your parents will not better, trying to stay positive, allowing you both time to yourself without feeling guilty, & during rough time, remembering happy times you shared with your parents to bring perspective.

I am overwhelmed as to how many people on this forum have the exact same issues as me! Yet, at the same time , I feel very sad that we are dealing with a disease with no cure in sight!!!

 

[intheloop]

Double hit - I know exactly what you are going through. Both of my parents had dementia at the same time and I ended up caring for them as they refused any other help.
I’ve gone through all the things you have described. My heart goes out to you.
It was the hardest time and not helped by all the ‘fact sheets’ that are thrown at you. Whilst some are helpful, like you, I just wanted personal human advice.
From my own situation it took a crisis to finally put the right things in place.
I had been in touch with SS and the GP and didn’t get anywhere. They offered little help and it was as if they didn’t know what to do about the situation. It may be possible for you father to have medication to help with his agitation. My father was prescribed Haloperidol My parents refused to go to the memory clinic so didn’t get a formal diagnosis until the crisis happened.
I think it must be a very scary time for dementia suffers when you have lucid moments and other times where you forget things. So we have to have patience and compassion even when it’s hard to.
I always tried to keep things fun and simple and like nothing was too much trouble for me. I would take my Dad treats that would make him happy.
It broke my heart that something had to happen in order to finally get the help need.
When the crisis happened I was finally put in touch with the Dementia Rapid Response Team and they came and did an emergency assessment. They were placed into care homes.
I’ve cried so much over the whole situation.
I wish I could wave a magic wand to help you. I think this stage of dementia is the hardest as they don’t lack mental capacity but obviously they do lack it at certain times.
When your instinct is to care and nurture it is so hard when your parents need help and you can’t do enough. You are doing what you can and the system is the thing that is failing you.
You will get through this but you also have to accept that things will never be the same again.
Stay strong and know that you are doing a fantastic job that won’t be forever.
All our journeys are different and unique so I hope the advice you get on this site helps you in yours.

 

[Double hit]

to have to deal with both parents is not nice at all & I feel your pain. I find it hard to have to deal with just my mum & lockdown has definitely made her worse. I found no matter what issues I dealt with in my work capacity, when confronted with the same problem in my personal life, it takes on a whole new meaning. Suddenly, you cannot cope, all that you know is suddenly out of reach when you need that support! No one you can turn to. Leaning on each other to get through the situation is fundamental. The problem doesn't go away but talking or as I am doing now, which is texting you, is a great way of releasing some of the tension.

You have to find a way of talking to dad which he will except. Sadly, while for 1 or 2 days of talking in the same will work, you may find that on the 3rd day, he may not accept that way of communicating, so you have to find another way. it is a never ending journey for you both. I have said it before & I will say it again, dementia is a cruel disease, it changes their personality. they become aggressive, angry, volatile, lying, hiding things, swearing, sexual behaviour, the list is endless. It is very hard work having to deal with these different characteristics from one person. It is even harder not to take things personally. I have dealt with my mum's split personalities for many years & her abuse towards me, when all I have done is care for her & try to find a way of making her happy. Dementia people have one characteristic which is the same & that is that they make those caring for them their punch bag! I wish I could tell you it will get better or that things will get easier, but that really does depend on how progressive both your parents condition gets. It is about excepting that your parents will not better, trying to stay positive, allowing you both time to yourself without feeling guilty, & during rough time, remembering happy times you shared with your parents to bring perspective.

I am overwhelmed as to how many people on this forum have the exact same issues as me! Yet, at the same time , I feel very sad that we are dealing with a disease with no cure in sight!!!

Thank you for you reply, I know I'm not alone & I'm lucky I have a husband who understands as we went through similar with his mother. I do have a support network of friends & family & it's helpful when others share their experiences.
I don't take what my dad says or does to heart, the frustrating thing is the effect it has on my mum & I have no answers when she calls me at 2am crying for help! She just wants dad 'all better' but thats not going to happen. She refuses any of the options of support offered to her as she doesn't want either of them to have to leave their home & she doesn't want to upset dad. There is no talking to my dad, he refuses to even talk about it, if I try he just shouts abuse at me. I'll keep trying but so far no luck. I just find the so called professionals devoid of any real practical help. Had another confused episode at 6am. I spoke to one of the Drs at the memory clinic about it this morning, his answer was, 'I'll record it on the system'!
I laughed & after he made an appt for a few weeks time to see dad I said good luck with that as I didn't even know if mum & I would last the week with dad as he is at the moment. As always we'll plod on. I'm going away for a night at the weekend so they'll have to fend for themselves, I'm half hoping something kicks off while I'm away as then someone else will have to deal with it & we might get some progress.

 

[canary]

Its very difficult when the person with dementia refuses all outside help.
Its not so much that the professionals are devoid of any practical help, its more that there just isnt anything that they can do.

My mum wouldnt allow any outside help either and it meant that she ended up moving to care home earlier than she would have done if she would have accepted carers, day centre etc. It is so frustrating when they are unable to understand the reality of their situation and accept the things that will actually enable them to stay at home for longer.

When they are in this situation they will often turn to their imeadiate family and make unreasonable demands, because they are unable to see that they are unreasonable. All they can see are their own needs. All the while you are resonding to their demands you are continually plugging the gaps in their care and SS will just leave you to it. The answer is very hard, but you have to decide what help you can give and do that and no more. This may entail switching your phone off at night and not going round every time they call you. It seems cruel to step back and allow a crisis, but this is probably the only way that your parents will get the help they need.

 

[Double hit]

Thank you all for your concern & advice I appreciate you taking the time to respond. Just to clarify social services have already done care assessments. Dad didnt qualify for any care support as hes physically fit & able to wash/dress himself, they wont provide help just to administer medication. Mum qualifies but because it's viewed that both mum & dad still have some capacity it's their choice to refuse help offered. I could just organise it all myself & they pay for it all but any company I employ will still need to do an assessment & talk to my parents who then say they don't want the care. I'm stuck between a rock & a hard place. Their case has also been to safeguarding but again support was offered & refused.
My mum was told to call the police if it gets too much but of course she won't & if mum doesn't want to have dad arrested or removed there's nothing I can do.
I'm just waiting for a crisis to occur or for the dementia to progress to a stage where this behaviour changes & they loose capacity altogether.
I'm going away this weekend overnight so they will be fending for themselves for at least 2 half days & a night so I'm almost praying for something to kick off while I'm gone. I need a break & i have absolutely no guilt in leaving them alone. What will be will be. I know thats not a nice think to say but I feel it's the only way the present situation will change. They've had a great life, they are 91 & 85 so if anything happens to either of them I'll be sad but happy that they got to enjoy life to the full up until recently. My dream for them is that they go to bed one night & never wake up.

 

[Rosettastone57]

I feel for you, this is such an awful situation. Unfortunately as you and others have said, it's a crisis that will change things. My mother in law was on her own in her own house and even with carers, she needed full time residential care. She refused point blank to go into care refusing even to go outside her own home to our house. So we waited for a crisis, refusing to take calls at night, but keeping the carers coming in during the day in spite of her verbal abuse. Eventually she became ill, went into hospital and from there we arranged a care home.

 

[Veritas]

@Double hit
How frustrating as well as sad for you - the crisis can be seen coming over the hill and you are powerless to stop it although you've tried so hard. I'd say you are entitled to a guilt-free weekend and I'm not surprised you're 'almost praying' for something to blow up while you're away.

 

[NHB]

Thank you for you reply, I know I'm not alone & I'm lucky I have a husband who understands as we went through similar with his mother. I do have a support network of friends & family & it's helpful when others share their experiences.
I don't take what my dad says or does to heart, the frustrating thing is the effect it has on my mum & I have no answers when she calls me at 2am crying for help! She just wants dad 'all better' but thats not going to happen. She refuses any of the options of support offered to her as she doesn't want either of them to have to leave their home & she doesn't want to upset dad. There is no talking to my dad, he refuses to even talk about it, if I try he just shouts abuse at me. I'll keep trying but so far no luck. I just find the so called professionals devoid of any real practical help. Had another confused episode at 6am. I spoke to one of the Drs at the memory clinic about it this morning, his answer was, 'I'll record it on the system'!
I laughed & after he made an appt for a few weeks time to see dad I said good luck with that as I didn't even know if mum & I would last the week with dad as he is at the moment. As always we'll plod on. I'm going away for a night at the weekend so they'll have to fend for themselves, I'm half hoping something kicks off while I'm away as then someone else will have to deal with it & we might get some progress.

 

[NHB]

You poor mum! There is NO practical help out there. At one point last year, my mum was very abusive & violent, saying so many hurtful things. I relayed this to the Memory Clinic lady, who was truly a very lovely lady but she just did not understand my heartache! She told me, I needed to remember that, it is not my mum doing this, it is the dementia!!! What good is it telling me things I already know? One has to be living the nightmare to understand the nightmare. We all on this forum are definitely living it! I hope, Double hit, just by ranting your anguish helps. If you have a good network of family & friends, get them to help, get them to go with you to visit your parents. I found that seeing different / new people helped my ,mum. It may help your dad's behaviour. They may be able to suggest things which he may listen to. You are too close and also, in your dad's eyes, you are his child. Your friends are strangers to him & he will address them as adults instantly. My mum is very nice in front of my friends, still bad mouths me to them but agrees to some things they say to her. Sadly things & suggestion do not last long but again, it is worth trying. You should not be dealing with alone if you have the network. Problem shared is a problem halved.

?