At a loss…………again…..

SMBeach

Registered User
Apr 19, 2020
332
0
So tonight I dreaded the thought of calling dad. I knew he wouldn’t answer the phone but tried anyway. Of course he didn’t answer so I video called him on the digital screen as it answers automatically but the reception is so poor. I tell dad I’ll call him again on his iPhone and ask him to answer this time. He does. But then he spends a lonnnnng time describing what’s on his digital screen then what’s on his iPhone screen then he complains he can’t hear me because Abba is too loud. I tell him to turn it off/down and ask him if it’s his tv or the Alexa. He tells me (in a horrid tone) that he doesn’t know what the tv or the Alexa are so that means nothing to him. I try asking Alexa to stop by shouting it loudly but guess it is his tv that’s on so I describe his tv control so he knows what he is looking for. This by the way is exactly how our last conversation went. Just dad and I trying to work out how to turn off the tv so we can hear each other. Dad tells me I’ll need to find another way to communicate as this isn’t working. 🤦‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️I tell him there is no other way. He just needs to turn tv off or down. Then dad starts reading stuff on his screens again. Last time I called and told dad to press the big red button on tv control he said oh yes I see it. Then described the big red square printed at the top of his newspaper and said there were words on the red button saying Daily Record. So he is bought the newspaper was the tv control. It’s utterly exhausting and by the end we have had no conversation. But to add to all of this, dad speaks to me in a deliberately condescending voice. His tone is deliberate and very irritating. This is part of dads normal character, just worse now. Speaking to me using my name excessively with a tone that makes you want to walk out the room. I’ve often hung up on dad on the phone due to how he speaks to me and tonight i did exactly that. I’ve not hung up on dad since he’s been in the care home as I desperately want him to know I’m here for him but this is just such hard work and all for nothing but to be spoken to like I’m a child. There is nothing to talk about though in any case so I usually just go through the motions of dad trying to find the tv remote etc.

I still keep toying with the idea of moving dad down here so I can just visit him once or twice a week. I worry that all conversation will become impossible soon. Conversation doesn’t matter so much when with someone in person. the homes round here just aren’t great. And of course he’s familiar where he is and set in his routines and has a lovely room etc. I also don’t know if dad will want to move. I also don’t know if it will be a big upheaval and make little benefit to dad because he’ll forget good and bad stuff anyway and has little sense of time wherever he is. What I mean is, I’d be moving dad as much for my own piece of mind as I sense we are close to not being able to communicate at all soon. It’s too much effort for little effect. Do I move dad all the way down south from Scotland where he’s lived his whole life. Put him through all that (doubly incontinent) just to see him once or twice a week? Will dad feel the benefit of that? I truly am rubbish at making decisions. Especially for someone else.
 

Jools1402

Registered User
Jan 13, 2024
126
0
Whatever decision you come to regarding the move - in the meantime would it be possible to schedule in a phone call with Dad with the carers. That way they could perhaps answer your call and pass it over to him and make sure he is in a suitable environment to take the call.
 

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
82,043
0
Kent
I agree.

It looks as if the time has come when technology is proving too complicated for your dad to use or understand

If you move him nearer to you he’ll still be confused. I doubt he will process the different environment as his dementia progresses

It certainly doesn’t look as if you’ll be getting much from the type of communication you now rely on.
 

SAP

Registered User
Feb 18, 2017
1,464
0
Well yes I suppose it would largely be for your benefit ….but, it would make getting him stuff he may need easier, if he had to go to hospital it would be easier, if there were meetings about his needs it would be easier, if he had to move care home it would be easier. All this would be easier for you and far less stressful, the tricky bit is moving him and then getting him settled. I know from reading your posts that you go back and forth and around all of these argument, possibly driving yourself up the wall, I know I did in a similar situation. There are no right and wrongs, you have to do what suits you both.
 

Suzysheep01

Registered User
Jan 14, 2023
212
0
Could you try phoning the home first and asking if they can help him to receive the call? Make sure his tv is off, etc?
your conversations sound very like mine with mum… she ends up just saying what she sees. I think it’s because she’s lost the ability to converse properly.

you are in a very difficult position for sure. I’m really not sure what I would do in your situation. I think I would err on the side of keeping him where he is, with familiar accents etc.
 

SMBeach

Registered User
Apr 19, 2020
332
0
Whatever decision you come to regarding the move - in the meantime would it be possible to schedule in a phone call with Dad with the carers. That way they could perhaps answer your call and pass it over to him and make sure he is in a suitable environment to take the call.
Good plan. I just feel I’m always calling the cadets asking them to go to his room to answer the call for him but it may just need to be this way perhaps.
 

SMBeach

Registered User
Apr 19, 2020
332
0
Well yes I suppose it would largely be for your benefit ….but, it would make getting him stuff he may need easier, if he had to go to hospital it would be easier, if there were meetings about his needs it would be easier, if he had to move care home it would be easier. All this would be easier for you and far less stressful, the tricky bit is moving him and then getting him settled. I know from reading your posts that you go back and forth and around all of these argument, possibly driving yourself up the wall, I know I did in a similar situation. There are no right and wrongs, you have to do what suits you both.
You hit the nail on the head. I definitely do go back and forth and drive myself nuts trying to decide what is best to do. lol
 

SMBeach

Registered User
Apr 19, 2020
332
0
Could you try phoning the home first and asking if they can help him to receive the call? Make sure his tv is off, etc?
your conversations sound very like mine with mum… she ends up just saying what she sees. I think it’s because she’s lost the ability to converse properly.

you are in a very difficult position for sure. I’m really not sure what I would do in your situation. I think I would err on the side of keeping him where he is, with familiar accents etc.
Yes. I think I’ll just have to do that from now on. If I do move dad, I’d want to do it while he still has funds and there for some choice in where he goes. Art of me thinks if dad doesn’t remember when I last visited, or last called etc then maybe there’s no point. But I do worry that if he ended up in hospital as he did prior to going into care and was in hospital for 4 weeks with no visitors except me for the first few days. I’m not sure what medical conditions would send him to hospital that a Nursing Home couldn’t deal with themselves but it is something to consider.
 

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