Overheard the care giving………..broke my heart

[SMBeach]

Some of you will know I returned from Scotland feeling reassured at how well dad had settled in and how on the whole seemed quite content. Well, he’s still not grasped how to answer his phone so a carer in his room answered it for him and put it on loud speaker. Carer didn’t speak to me at all and left the room. Whilst dad and I were chatting he said he needed to go to the bathroom as he needed a wee. I told him to go to the loo and I’d still be on the phone on loud speaker. I didn’t speak to him whilst he went about his business but I could hear everything clearly. All of a sudden I could tell someone had entered the room because dad acknowledged the person but there didn’t seem to be any acknowledgement from them to dad except to say “you’re soaking wet, you need a shower”. Very blunt. No hello or good morning or how are you. No knock on the door. No pleasantries at all. So I continued to remain silent and just listen. I heard dad in the shower asking the lady to keep the hot water on his body as he was feeling cold. Again, no verbal response from the lady. Then at the end she asks him to ‘sit’ (on the bed I think) while she continued to dress dad. I did hear her say thank you at least but that was it. Dad then points out a little bird outside his window and tells the lady about it to which I just hear her make a sound like ‘mm’. No conversation or proper acknowledgement to the pleasantries dad was saying. Then I hear her say ‘is that ****’ Dad said ‘sorry?’ As in he didn’t quite hear her so she replied ‘is this ****’. Dad said yes. I felt the use of the word was inappropriate and disrespectful. In fact, whether it was or wasn’t shouldn’t even need to be asked. If there’s a mess, whatever it is, it needs cleaned. There’s no need to embarrass a person by pointing it out to them then using such a degrading word. She had no idea I was listening in but I really started to feel my heart drop for dad.
I started to make excuses for the carer. She clearly had a foreign accent so the short/blunt/direct tones of her communication may just be a language and culture difference. Maybe she was over worked. Maybe ‘****’ is the only English word she knows for poo. I don’t know. But even so, that would have been easier to ignore had she knocked when entering the room. Acknowledged dad by name. Said good morning. Responded to his requests and had some warm conversation about the bird whilst doing her job. But everything about her was cold.
I have to say I’m hating the whole care home situation. It’s a proper roller coaster for me emotionally. I don’t think every carer in every home will be all these wonderful things but it does leave me feeling very low. I do wish I could have dad at home but I know that’s not possible and dad can be very very testing long before Alzheimer’s came along. Anyway, the carer then told dad to go to the dining room to eat. Dad couldn’t really work out what she was saying and dad very politely told her he didn’t understand what she said so she said ‘dining room, eat’ to which dad responded by saying oh yes. I then quickly called out (dad forgot I was on the phone) and I said dad I’ll call you later today. I’ve been in the background the whole time. I just kind off wanted the carer to know that. Anyway, I’m not expecting any advice as such. I wasn’t sure if I should drop an email to the lead nurse and/or manager to say the use of the word ‘****’ isn’t appropriate. Or just let it go. Will it make a difference? Will it make things worse? I don’t know. But I did want to get it off my chest. 🙂

 

[backin]

Tell the manager

 

[Violet Jane]

I can understand why you're upset. There may be a language aspect as some foreign born carers from certain parts of the world have a very blunt way of speaking and a rather harsh accent. However, the s*** word is vulgar, certainly to most older people, and shouldn't be used. Pooh is a bit childish but I don't think that you could expect a carer to use the word faeces.

This carer sounds cold. I'm afraid that I've often seen this type of behaviour on elderly care wards and, consequently, I don't hold the favourable view of nurses that many people do. They may be busy but a smile and a few friendly words don't take up much time. Anyone with a bit of humanity should know how vulnerable frail elderly people are when they are away from home. I personally found many nurses pretty cold myself when I visited my elderly friend in my local hospital. I would go onto the ward with a cheery hello and hardly get an acknowledgement.

I think that you should say something but I'm afraid that people who have no natural empathy are unlikely to change. They are just not suited to a caring role. The manager can tell the carer not to use the word s*** but if someone has to be told to respond pleasantly to a resident's attempts to make conversation and not to humiliate a resident then s/he really shouldn't be in the job. The problem is that there's a huge shortage of carers - and nurses as well - and so care homes and hospitals keep people that shouldn't be in the job.

I would try to raise your concerns on the telephone rather than by email as there can then be a discussion rather than a series of emails backwards and forwards.

 

[Duggies-girl]

It's a lack of respect or just plain indifference but it is not acceptable and I would be very unhappy if it were my dad in that position. Speak to someone.

 

[canary]

This is a difficult one. She shouldnt have used that word, but there was clearly language barriers. There was a carer in mums home who was foreign and had a very abrupt way of speaking, yet she was actually very compassionate. It is difficult to tell just by hearing her voice whether or not this carer is generally cold, or whether it is a language and accent thing. She might have been smiling and waving as she came in and you wouldnt know.

I would still speak to the manager about this, though. She needs a quiet word about how to speak to residents and the vocabulary she uses

 

[SMBeach]

Update…………I sent an email to the new Manager who has literally just started and also sent it to the Lead Nurse who is also Deputy Manager. The Lead Nurse called me within minutes of getting the email which was good.
She agreed that no matter what language barriers there may be, the word ‘****’ is not acceptable. She wanted to know which carer it was ie: what day and time I heard it so she could look at the staffing that day. She identified the worker as an agency staff member and said she’d speak with them and that she’d contact the agency to say they won’t use her again. Not sure I totally believed the last bit but hey ho. But the Manager didn’t call me or respond to my email. Probably because the Assistant Manager did and I think it was the managers first day in the job. I was surprised they used agency staff. I assumed the care home might pay slightly higher than average wages in order to retain staff but I guess that’s not the case. On a positive note, dad managed to call me from his iPhone all by himself the other day. Hasn’t done it since mind but that’s progress at least.

 

[Louise7]

It's good that the deputy manager got back to you so quickly and have been responsive. Unfortunately use of agency staff seems to be common in care homes. My mum has recently changed homes and although the current home seem to be using agency staff less frequently than the previous home, there are still times when due to staff sickness/leave agency staff are needed for short periods, even though the home is paying above average wages.