I have only recently joined this forum so excuse me if I'm rehashing an old topic.
One thing I've observed from reading many posts is how utterly worn down and distressed many members are by their parent/partner's dementia. I am genuinely puzzled why the carer's needs are considered more important than the carer's.
When my 91 yo mother reached the point where living alone required a lot of support and while she continued to reject outside assistance, I decided that my life was being impacted upon to an unfair degree. Constant phone calls about the same thing wore me down. Dealing with her anxiety wore me down. Reassuring her that her hallucinations were not real wore me down.
She did not want to leave her home - does anyone voluntarily enter a care facility? - but I rationalised that my needs were as important as hers. I don't think it's selfish, I thinks it's realistic. Mum isn't rational, her dementia has made her very self obsessed and she is in no position to judge what is best for us all.
My brother resisted the tough love approach "because it will upset her". I reminded him of how upset we were by the progression of her disease. She refused any help but ours, would not speak to a doctor about her condition and had alienated everyone but us.
I looked at a LOT of care homes, badgered the best one until they were sick of the sight of me and got her a place 10 days ago. We told her firmly she had to move; we brooked no objections and that was that. It was hideous but her move has been an utter godsend. I still have CH issues of course - phone calls re her bizarre behaviour and her odd requests - but I know we did absolutely the right thing.
Do I feel guilty? Not one little bit. Mum has had 91 very good years and while her disease is not her fault, I must take charge now and be the rational one. I don't believe in sacrificing myself to her needs when she can be supported by others who can walk out the door at the end of the day. It's not wrong to care about your happiness and needs. So many people can be affected badly by one person's illness. It should not become the burden it seems to be to so many people here. If it makes you happy caring for someone with dementia then that's great. But if it isn't don't be afraid to say "enough".
You have a right to be happy too
One thing I've observed from reading many posts is how utterly worn down and distressed many members are by their parent/partner's dementia. I am genuinely puzzled why the carer's needs are considered more important than the carer's.
When my 91 yo mother reached the point where living alone required a lot of support and while she continued to reject outside assistance, I decided that my life was being impacted upon to an unfair degree. Constant phone calls about the same thing wore me down. Dealing with her anxiety wore me down. Reassuring her that her hallucinations were not real wore me down.
She did not want to leave her home - does anyone voluntarily enter a care facility? - but I rationalised that my needs were as important as hers. I don't think it's selfish, I thinks it's realistic. Mum isn't rational, her dementia has made her very self obsessed and she is in no position to judge what is best for us all.
My brother resisted the tough love approach "because it will upset her". I reminded him of how upset we were by the progression of her disease. She refused any help but ours, would not speak to a doctor about her condition and had alienated everyone but us.
I looked at a LOT of care homes, badgered the best one until they were sick of the sight of me and got her a place 10 days ago. We told her firmly she had to move; we brooked no objections and that was that. It was hideous but her move has been an utter godsend. I still have CH issues of course - phone calls re her bizarre behaviour and her odd requests - but I know we did absolutely the right thing.
Do I feel guilty? Not one little bit. Mum has had 91 very good years and while her disease is not her fault, I must take charge now and be the rational one. I don't believe in sacrificing myself to her needs when she can be supported by others who can walk out the door at the end of the day. It's not wrong to care about your happiness and needs. So many people can be affected badly by one person's illness. It should not become the burden it seems to be to so many people here. If it makes you happy caring for someone with dementia then that's great. But if it isn't don't be afraid to say "enough".
You have a right to be happy too