Both my parents have AD and have been in a CH together since July. Their AD is at about the same stage - moderate - both been diagnosed about 2 years. My Mum also has significant physical difficulties and it was obvious, after my Dad was admitted to hospital with a UTI in June, that things weren't going well at home and they needed more support than a full home care package could give them.
They are settling in to the CH gradually. It's lovely - they have a very nice couples suite and the staff are great. They've been quite homesick and often insist they are going home 'tomorrow' but have good days when they enjoy themselves, love being closer to their grandchildren (they were 150 miles away prior to the CH move) and have very limited short term memory so generally think they've only arrived a couple of days ago. All is going OK and although I feel very guilty I am confident that they are in the right place and they wouldn't cope at home.
I've always been really comforted by the fact they are together and they've always supported each other very well and to the best of their abilities, but in the last week we've hit a new problem...
Their poor memories and gradually increasing confusion means that they've started to argue. Really quite heated arguments (only verbal, never physical) and it's really upsetting my Mum. And me tbh as it's happened a few times when I've been visiting. I am struggling to know how to deal with it. As are the CH staff - who tell me it is happening with increasing frequency. It's no-ones fault but because they are both confused they constantly contradict each other
eg. Dad "We used to live in Wales" Mum "We've never lived in Wales" Dad "We lived in Wales for 10 years" etc etc until my Mum gets upset
(They lived in Wales until July)
or
Dad "We are on a cruise ship" Mum "No we are no we are in a hospital" Dad "Don't be stupid we are on holiday" Mum "Don't call me stupid, we are definitely in a hospital" etc etc getting more heated until my Mum gets upset.
If I'm there when they are having an argument they will look to me to clarify who is right. And it generally upsets the person that I 'side with' (in their eyes - I'm trying not to side with anyone, just clarify for them, tell the truth and calm everything down)
So I've read the compassionate communication thread but I just don't know how to help the situation. When I'm not there I obviously can't stop them arguing. If there was one of them I would just go along with the delusion or thought process but when they have different views and it's getting more and more heated I don't know who to agree with. It's quite often that they are both wrong or confused. Do I just tell them the truth and upset both? Or agree with one of them so only one is upset? The last couple of visits have been so stressful trying to manage the situation that I've ended up only staying a short time and leaving
The CH staff have suggested that they try to get them to do things separately for a short period of the day but they can't get my parents to agree - they do want to be together. But hearing the argue and then get upset on an increasingly frequent basis is really hard.
Anyone else experienced this? Any ideas what I could do to diffuse the arguments when I'm visiting.
Sorry this is a really long post and a bit of a rant but finding this latest situation really difficult.
They are settling in to the CH gradually. It's lovely - they have a very nice couples suite and the staff are great. They've been quite homesick and often insist they are going home 'tomorrow' but have good days when they enjoy themselves, love being closer to their grandchildren (they were 150 miles away prior to the CH move) and have very limited short term memory so generally think they've only arrived a couple of days ago. All is going OK and although I feel very guilty I am confident that they are in the right place and they wouldn't cope at home.
I've always been really comforted by the fact they are together and they've always supported each other very well and to the best of their abilities, but in the last week we've hit a new problem...
Their poor memories and gradually increasing confusion means that they've started to argue. Really quite heated arguments (only verbal, never physical) and it's really upsetting my Mum. And me tbh as it's happened a few times when I've been visiting. I am struggling to know how to deal with it. As are the CH staff - who tell me it is happening with increasing frequency. It's no-ones fault but because they are both confused they constantly contradict each other
eg. Dad "We used to live in Wales" Mum "We've never lived in Wales" Dad "We lived in Wales for 10 years" etc etc until my Mum gets upset
(They lived in Wales until July)
or
Dad "We are on a cruise ship" Mum "No we are no we are in a hospital" Dad "Don't be stupid we are on holiday" Mum "Don't call me stupid, we are definitely in a hospital" etc etc getting more heated until my Mum gets upset.
If I'm there when they are having an argument they will look to me to clarify who is right. And it generally upsets the person that I 'side with' (in their eyes - I'm trying not to side with anyone, just clarify for them, tell the truth and calm everything down)
So I've read the compassionate communication thread but I just don't know how to help the situation. When I'm not there I obviously can't stop them arguing. If there was one of them I would just go along with the delusion or thought process but when they have different views and it's getting more and more heated I don't know who to agree with. It's quite often that they are both wrong or confused. Do I just tell them the truth and upset both? Or agree with one of them so only one is upset? The last couple of visits have been so stressful trying to manage the situation that I've ended up only staying a short time and leaving
The CH staff have suggested that they try to get them to do things separately for a short period of the day but they can't get my parents to agree - they do want to be together. But hearing the argue and then get upset on an increasingly frequent basis is really hard.
Anyone else experienced this? Any ideas what I could do to diffuse the arguments when I'm visiting.
Sorry this is a really long post and a bit of a rant but finding this latest situation really difficult.