Any Suggestions Please!

[CatKins 1]

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Hello

Have not been on here for a while. To update, unfortunately, I could not get my sister (who has Alzheimers & Vascular Dementia), back to the UK from Germany. She is in a home in Bavaria. It's a long story!

I have visited several times and due to visit again soon. It's taking its toll both emotionally and financially. I would appreciate any suggestions on what to do when I visit my sister - something she might enjoy. She doesn't know who I am, we can't have any sort of conversation, I don't speak German so can't talk to the carers, so I just sit there. After about an hour, my sister can get very aggressive and I start to get upset and have to leave. Trying to go out for a walk with her is impossible due to dressing problems. I am always on my own when I visit (no support from family) and spend a lot of time aimlessly going around the small town where she is, feeling traumatised at seeing my sister in such an awful state.

Sorry, this is a bit of a rant and hope it doesn't seem as though I am feeling sorry for myself - well I am a bit I suppose! Any comments / suggestions would be appreciated. Thank you.

 

[lemonjuice]

[/COLOR]
Hello

Have not been on here for a while. To update, unfortunately, I could not get my sister (who has Alzheimers & Vascular Dementia), back to the UK from Germany. She is in a home in Bavaria. It's a long story!

I have visited several times and due to visit again soon. It's taking its toll both emotionally and financially. I would appreciate any suggestions on what to do when I visit my sister - something she might enjoy. She doesn't know who I am, we can't have any sort of conversation, I don't speak German so can't talk to the carers, so I just sit there. After about an hour, my sister can get very aggressive and I start to get upset and have to leave. Trying to go out for a walk with her is impossible due to dressing problems. I am always on my own when I visit (no support from family) and spend a lot of time aimlessly going around the small town where she is, feeling traumatised at seeing my sister in such an awful state.

Sorry, this is a bit of a rant and hope it doesn't seem as though I am feeling sorry for myself - well I am a bit I suppose! Any comments / suggestions would be appreciated. Thank you.

Sympathies. It must be very stressful to know your sister is so far away and then expensive to visit and all the frustrations of not being able to react when you do get together.
One positive, from my experience that German Homes do seem to be quite good at dealing with dementia.

Was your sister a German speaker? I ask because I wonder if she's used to the food and the language used by the carers?

I agree a 'fiddle' muff/ apron/ book is always useful. Music and listening to music is another. Smell and touch are quite important too.

 

[carpe diem]

Hi. That must be really difficult for you. I'm sorry I don't have any real suggestions but for your own sanity take some magazines that you can read to her. Try music through a pair of headphones.
Often there's nothing you can do to help calm someone who is very agitated but it's important to look after your own sanity. Do things you like and just include her from time to time.
Also think about whether or not it's beneficial to visit her at all. Hopefully she's safe and cared for and its not necessary that you visit.
Best wishes x

 

[lemonjuice]

One extra suggestion. Does your sister have one of those 'This is Me' documents stating her food preferences, previous hobbies etc. If you need some help translating I'd be willing to help (ex German teacher and daughter to a German), if you send me a private message.
have also lived in Stuttgart during my year abroad and know for example they eat a lot of Spätzle (type of pasta) as opposed to potatoes in the northern part of Germany, where my relatives come from.
Knowing you have tried to ensure the Home knows some of your Mum's personal details may help you feel happier?

 

[CatKins 1]

Hi. That must be really difficult for you. I'm sorry I don't have any real suggestions but for your own sanity take some magazines that you can read to her. Try music through a pair of headphones.
Often there's nothing you can do to help calm someone who is very agitated but it's important to look after your own sanity. Do things you like and just include her from time to time.
Also think about whether or not it's beneficial to visit her at all. Hopefully she's safe and cared for and its not necessary that you visit.
Best wishes x[/QUOTE

Thank you very much for taking the time to reply. Your suggestions are very helpful. I do wonder, as you say, if it is beneficial to visit her. It sounds awful but my visits don't seem to benefit her and she can't remember me or my visit. She seems to get extremely agitated and hits out at me. I appreciate your understanding, thank you.

 

[CatKins 1]

So sorry to hear about your sister and circumstances.

Have you got a visual aid like a memory book with photos, something that you can both look at without saying anything, you can turn the page when appropriate. Do you have any mementos of when you were children? Purely to look at - a glimpse may trigger a memory, eg a scarf, school medal/trophy, a bracelet etc. How about simple jigsaws - something that can be done together e.g. https://www.unforgettable.org/activities/jigsaw-puzzles I've used this website a lot, it has various activities, the link provided is purely for jigsaws.

The grandmother of my daughter-in-law, I bought her a fiddle muff for Christmas as her language skills keep changing she lived in Germany during the war so sometimes German, Alzheimers and Schizophrenic - what a combination. So the fiddling with her hands helped to some extent: https://www.unforgettable.org/buttons-beads-fiddle-muff-for-sensory-therapy

Only a few ideas.

Hello, thank you for your helpful reply and suggestions. I will look into these - the fiddle muff sounds really good. Thanks again

 

[CatKins 1]

Hi. That must be really difficult for you. I'm sorry I don't have any real suggestions but for your own sanity take some magazines that you can read to her. Try music through a pair of headphones.
Often there's nothing you can do to help calm someone who is very agitated but it's important to look after your own sanity. Do things you like and just include her from time to time.
Also think about whether or not it's beneficial to visit her at all. Hopefully she's safe and cared for and its not necessary that you visit.
Best wishes x

Hello, hope you can see my reply below. I'm not used to forums and posting. Thanks again.

 

[CatKins 1]

One extra suggestion. Does your sister have one of those 'This is Me' documents stating her food preferences, previous hobbies etc. If you need some help translating I'd be willing to help (ex German teacher and daughter to a German), if you send me a private message.
have also lived in Stuttgart during my year abroad and know for example they eat a lot of Spätzle (type of pasta) as opposed to potatoes in the northern part of Germany, where my relatives come from.
Knowing you have tried to ensure the Home knows some of your Mum's personal details may help you feel happier?

Hello Lemonjuice Thank you for your helpful reply. My sister has lived in Germany for thirty years and spoke fluent German. She seems to remember how to speak English as well, which is odd considering she has lost a most of her memory. Thank you so much for offer to translate, I may take you up on that in the future. Thanks again

 

[lemonjuice]

Hello Lemonjuice Thank you for your helpful reply. My sister has lived in Germany for thirty years and spoke fluent German. She seems to remember how to speak English as well, which is odd considering she has lost a most of her memory. Thank you so much for offer to translate, I may take you up on that in the future. Thanks again

So it is better for your sister to stay on in Germany, however difficult that is for you.

I have occasionally thought about moving my mother, especially with the food being so different and having no-one at the NH able to say more than a few words of German, though bless them a few do try their best. However she is so far down the line and trying to research places from afar would be so difficult, I should have done it 5-6 years ago before she deteriorated.
As she hasn't spoken for more than two years now, we have no idea what language she 'understands' really. When I visit I always talk German to her in the hope that she does understand, just she is unable to respond any more to show she does.

Anyway do ask if you want help with any translation. Especially if you decide visiting is too difficult. To know the carers are aware of her preferences will reassure you and if they need to contact you and write in German I'll certainly help you.

How do you manage the yearly 'Identity check'? My mother's passport ran out this year and I'm wondering how we're going to do this year's check.

 

[CatKins 1]

So it is better for your sister to stay on in Germany, however difficult that is for you.

I have occasionally thought about moving my mother, especially with the food being so different and having no-one at the NH able to say more than a few words of German, though bless them a few do try their best. However she is so far down the line and trying to research places from afar would be so difficult, I should have done it 5-6 years ago before she deteriorated.
As she hasn't spoken for more than two years now, we have no idea what language she 'understands' really. When I visit I always talk German to her in the hope that she does understand, just she is unable to respond any more to show she does.

Anyway do ask if you want help with any translation. Especially if you decide visiting is too difficult. To know the carers are aware of her preferences will reassure you and if they need to contact you and write in German I'll certainly help you.

How do you manage the yearly 'Identity check'? My mother's passport ran out this year and I'm wondering how we're going to do this year's check.

Hello Lemonjuice

Sorry to hear about the difficulties you are going through with your mother. I call Alzheimers a name, but can't repeat it here!! I haven't come across the 'identity check' so sorry can't be of much help. Thank you again for offer of help with German translation, much appreciated.