Any advice would be appreciated....

kimnjohn69

Registered User
Dec 21, 2023
39
0
Hi, I'm not sureif I'm on the right thread,
My mum has vascular dementia with severe heart failure she's 89, she is bed to chair, sleeps alot.Myself and family have had many problems with my sister,who lives with mum and my dad, who is very frail has COPD heart failure,epilepsy, and other health problems but he is mobile.My sister is my mum's carer,I am unable to do the care as my sister and I don't get on, she is very controlling,and professionals are involved with her major ignorance of the help needed for mum,and her over powering my dad. The reason for my post is,mum hasn't mental capacity and a funeral plan was put in place both for mum and dad, by my dad, there was a meeting a few years back before things progressed, and mum and dad said they wanted cremation. Since mums decline my sister has become very arguementitive that my mum wants burial, but this was never said.My sister has changed mums funeral plan to burial, as we both have financial POA, I am very upset my sister has done this as it wasn't my mums wishes.
So my question is, as dad has mental capacity, can I speak to his social worker and ask for her to talk to my dad about what he feels mum would want, and to put it in writing, would this be a binding arrangement.or am I still going to have this horrible situation for us all. Everything is a arguement with my sister, mums medication, moving mum changing her, confusing mum about family things, telling her everything, so mum worries. I am worried how she is towards my dad who gets told what to do or not to do, she has been told not to tell him what to do, but she hasn't stopped.mum gets quite agitated at night and my sister won't leave her she will argue with her which makes mum worse, then my dad will say,just leave her, and my sister will tell my dad to shut up, it's her mum.Dad gets quite upset by it, and when he wants to go out with me for a drive and she puts him of going out, by saying don't worry I won't hurt her, then dad doesn't want to go out.I just feel we all, as a family need clarity with mums wishes, any advice I would be grateful.thanks Kim
 

SherwoodSue

Registered User
Jun 18, 2022
699
0
Oh dear you have a lot going on there. We are all different in our approach to these things but I think you are going to have to pick your battles with this sister.
I would be more concerned with her behaviour towards your parents while they are still alive, than after death.
Have you ever tried saying clearly to GP or SW that your parents are vulnerable patients and you have safeguarding concerns?
 

Kevinl

Registered User
Aug 24, 2013
7,008
0
Salford
Just so sad when it comes to this, I've told our kids to burn me, bury me or dump me, when I pass on it won't make no never mind to me.
All I did ask was whatever option they chose my wife, their mums ashes came with me.
She's well her ashes are current in an urn in the hall at my house waiting for the time to come.
We've never been apart so she's just waiting for me to join her be it in sharing a coffin or sharing an urn together as long as we stay together all that matters to me now. K
 

kimnjohn69

Registered User
Dec 21, 2023
39
0
Oh dear you have a lot going on there. We are all different in our approach to these things but I think you are going to have to pick your battles with this sister.
I would be more concerned with her behaviour towards your parents while they are still alive, than after death.
Have you ever tried saying clearly to GP or SW that your parents are vulnerable patients and you have safeguarding concerns?
Hi sherwood sue yes I have told Dr's social worker, mum's pallative nurse, and they all have said my sister is very confrontable and in denial, but the family dr and pallative nurse have had debates with my sister causing my dad to suffer after, as she has a go at him about everything.The professionals do say it is in hand but in the meantime mum and dad are suffering
 

kimnjohn69

Registered User
Dec 21, 2023
39
0
Just so sad when it comes to this, I've told our kids to burn me, bury me or dump me, when I pass on it won't make no never mind to me.
All I did ask was whatever option they chose my wife, their mums ashes came with me.
She's well her ashes are current in an urn in the hall at my house waiting for the time to come.
We've never been apart so she's just waiting for me to join her be it in sharing a coffin or sharing an urn together as long as we stay together all that matters to me now. K
 

kimnjohn69

Registered User
Dec 21, 2023
39
0
Thank you Kevin, my dad says dig hole put me under shed or down garden,joking,.
He has said he wants to be were my mum is, together, as they been married 54 years, and have never been apart, but my sister is adamant my mum wants burial.Its terrible so upsetting, I don't know if ,if my dad writes what he feels is mu mums wishes if it is to be abided by or of my sister can argue it.