Any advice please, Don't know what to do!

Discussion in 'ARCHIVE FORUM: Support discussions' started by SallyB, Jun 2, 2006.

  1. SallyB

    SallyB Registered User

    May 7, 2005
    Hi Everyone,

    I haven't been on for a while. Dad has been in the care home for a week now. He has fallen over twice and still isn't eating (8 weeks now).

    That's not what I need help with, I don't understand all the implications of self funding . I have got a form to sign from social services but don't really understand what I am agreeing to. Initially I told the social worker that I wouldn't sign it as she hadn't put the care plan with it and it says I would be agreeing to it. How can I agree with something if I carn't see it?

    My real dilema is, do we sell Dad's house or keep it? Does anyone know if there are any benefits in keeping it or in selling now? My family situation is complicated as I have had no help in caring for Dad over the years and he is now in care due to the rest of the family not helping. I am not therefore interested in keeping the house as inheritance as I don't feel that my siblings deserve anything. Obviously I won't get anything either but that doesn't bother me. So what I am asking is... better to sell or better to keep it. Oh and if we keep it, it needs some work and then they want to rent it. I am not in any mind to help with work as I feel agreived that they wouldn't do it before but now the money might run out they want to do the work so the house might gain value. Thay say to help Dad but who knows?

    Anyone been here and done this before? I would be really greatful for any wisdom.

  2. Amy

    Amy Registered User

    Jan 4, 2006
    Hiya Sally,
    I think you need to take a step back and get your logical head on. Right as I see it, there are two options

    1. Do the house up, and rent it out. If dad is self-funding this will help cover the fees without using his capital. There will then be something for the family when dad dies, but someone will have to take responsibility for renting out the property and maintaining it. Michael E knows what to do about renting properties, and I am sure would offer advice if requested.

    2. Sell the house, and use the equity to fund dad.
    If the funds run out before dad does, then someone else will pick up the bill. You need to make sure that dad would still be able to stay in the same care home/nursing home, or what the options are.
    This way you lose some of the emotional baggage, and the dealings with the siblings, though may not be in your dad's best interest if the funds run out.

    Who manages your dad's finances? Do you have an EPA? As you obviously have doubts about the motivation of your siblings you need to ensure that action cannot be taken on the house without your authority.

    Have to go now, hope this helps with your thinking.
  3. daizee

    daizee Registered User

    Mar 31, 2006
    Broken Hill, Australia
    Hi Sally, People must be the same all over the world as this situation is very similar to my mother-in-laws'. She , a widow , had been looked after for a number of years by one of her daughters (big family lots of squabbles)but has now been placed in a nursing home. The situation here as I know it ,is that an amount is taken out of her bank account on a regular basis to pay for her to stay there, she is on the government old aged pension. As she has dementia the family was told that her home had to be sold and the money put into trust to pay any extra that might be needed to cover her care. If she passed away , what was left was to be used according to her will. So the others of her children who had not been looking after her have decided to renovate her house to up its value. Basically it was alright for her to live in it as it was but now that they are getting closer to getting something out of it.............well you know the story. As I am close to the daughter who looked after my M.I.L. and knowing all she has been through the last thing you need is this kind of family stress. My advice for your own sanity and peace of mind ,sell the house as soon as possible, let the money be put in a trust account to cover your Dads needs and forget about it, and let the others fight about it between themselves when your Dad has passed on, because if they are anything like my husbands family they surely will. .............Cheers Daizee
  4. mel

    mel Registered User

    Apr 30, 2006
    My brother has EPA over mum's affairs.
    Although she is now living with us we have put her house up for sale and half the proceeds will be put into a high interest a/c for her if I decide I can no longer cope.
    The other half will be divided between my brother and I as ,when mum and dad made their will the solicitor advised them to put in a "tenants in common" clause which meant half the house passed to us so that they wouldn't have to use ALL their hard earned money for care home fees!
    We'd never heard of this before but my bro and I are very grateful,I can assure you
    I'm so glad I'm not part of a family that argues about money(I'm talking about me and my brother here)....

    However, I haven't heard a damn thing from one of my cousins since we told him he wasn't in the will.....he used to visit his auntie(my mum) so regularly before........!

    When my gran died(I was about 9)I met relatives at the funeral that I'd never seen before.....Gran had very little but the house was virtually stripped bare....I couldn't understand what was happening....From that day I couldn't give a s**t about any of them and I vowed I would NEVER be the same....That's why the only things I have kept and will keep of mum and dad's are photos ....the rest can be given away to charity.

    Mind you I'm very grateful for my inheritance....Is that a double standard do you think.....!
  5. Kayla

    Kayla Registered User

    May 14, 2006
    To sell or rent?

    I'm an only child so there can be no family squabbles about money. When Mum asked to go into a Care Home we decided to try and rent her house out so she still owned it and it would be less of a wrench for her. My parents had bought the house in 1974 and have always loved it. We had to spend nearly £2000 on getting the electrics sorted out for the Landlord's Certificate and one or two small jobs needed to be done, but otherwise the house was in a good enough condition to rent out. Although some refurbishing would be necessary if some one bought it, this has also meant that we have not had to worry about it being spoilt by a family with children or pets. It is a really nice 3-bedroomed semi, but definitely not a show house.
    Our first tenants seem to have been fine and we've just put it on the market again. The rent has helped to pay the nursing home fees and she still has the property as her capital. We can still sell it in the future and the work that was done would help it to sell better. Fortunately it was already in good repair, but a young couple might want to modernise it. I think buyers like to do that themselves anyway. It has potential for an extension,, as there is a large garden so it seems wise to delay the sale for as long as possible.
    We chose a reputable Letting Agent (not necessarily the cheapest) and once the house was on the market we have let them take care of everything. They charged 10% of the rent. As there is no mortgage on the property this was all profit. We were not charged anything until money started coming in from the rent. If we sold the house, we wouldn't know where to invest the money to get a good return.
    Letting has worked out for us, but it did take about four months to sort everything out. The Salvation Army took away furniture which we couldn't use or give away, but they don't collect glass coffee tables. (safety reasons)
    If you tell the council that the owner has gone into a care or nursing home, you don't have to pay any Council Tax. The telephone should also be disconnected.
  6. Libby

    Libby Registered User

    May 20, 2006
    North East
    We have had my Mum & Dad's house up for sale for over a year now and still haven't sold it. I'm in the same situation as Wendy - mum & dad changed their wills a few years ago, so that if one of them died, half of the house belonged to the 5 siblings (yes - we all get on!) and the other half to the spouse who was left. I think my dad did this because he was worried about mum a long time before we were.

    As we weren't getting any interest, we decided to do it up a little, new kitchen, new bathroom and decorated it. We got someone in to do it and we have had a lot of interest since, but everyone's in a chain.

    But the fact is, that when it's sold, mums half will eventually all be swallowed up by the residential home costs. I think she's allowed to have 19k in the bank but anything over that and she has to pay for her own care.

    We did think about renting, but that means that you can't put thart part of your life behind you, and alos, it's something else to worry about.
  7. noelphobic

    noelphobic Registered User

    Feb 24, 2006
    My dad died 18 months ago and my mum has been in 3 homes since. Her present home charges approcimately £450 per week for local authority funded residents and £575 per week for self funded residents. My mum's house has not yet been sold so she is on a deferred payment scheme - the local authority pays her fees and a debt accrues to them. They have a charge on the house which is payable when the property is sold. She is presently accruing a debt at a cost of £450 per week, if and when her house is sold she will pay £575 per week.

    If you do the maths you will see why we are in no hurry to sell the house!
  8. SallyB

    SallyB Registered User

    May 7, 2005
    Thank you


    Thank you for all your replies. I am feeling a little better but I think it is because I have but the formal stuff to the back of my mind for a few days. Hence my not replying sooner. I feel like my head is going to explode if I don't have a few days off from it.

    The social worker hasn't contacted me so I am doing what the rest of my family have been doing for years!

    Things stay the same though, (I asked my Brother after he pointed out that I don't ask him to help) if he could sort out a telephone for Dad's room, I think that he could still appreciate a call when he is in bed as he has done for years. The reply from my Brother was.... it is going to be £120 to connect it, do you think he will be able to put the phone back after you have rang him?

    Always comes back to money, but why should he want to spend the money he never rang Dad!

  9. Lynne

    Lynne Registered User

    Jun 3, 2005
    #9 Lynne, Jun 7, 2006
    Last edited: Jun 7, 2006

    It needn't cost a lot to put an extension telephone handset in a bedroom. All you need is a very basic handset (maybe large number buttons if Dad wants to make calls out) from somewhere like Comet, a plug-in double telephone socket and sufficient extension wire to reach from the 'master' phone to where you want to put the 2nd one.
    My boyfriend did one for my Mum's bedroom some years ago; apart from buying the above, all he did was drill a small hole in a wall for the wire to go through (into the back of a bedroom cupboard, so you can't see it anyway) and connect it up. £40 - £50 tops. It's not as if you're dealing with electricity, where obviously you have to be extra careful from the saftey point of view.

    Good luck
  10. Amy

    Amy Registered User

    Jan 4, 2006
    What about buying a phone that has wireless extensions, you know where the main phone is plugged into the telephone socket, and then other rooms just need an elctrical socket to plug the charger in that the handset stands on. Would save any messing around, just have to make sure that phone is kept charged, but ours last for several days without being on the charger.
    Just an idea.
  11. Lynne

    Lynne Registered User

    Jun 3, 2005
    Re: phone with "wireless" extensions

    I bought my Mum this exact thing about 18 months ago. Primary handset, plus 2 extensions (each with charger unit). 1 extension set up in the kitchen, and the other in the garage so that she could put it in her pocket when she was out in the garden.

    As you have to be able to read the handset miniscreen to use it, it was beyond her. She couldn't see it well enough to read it, the 'functions' confused her, by the time she had got her glasses & worked out what she was supposed to be looking at, the unit 'timed out' after 20 seconds of inactivity, and she couldn't 'get' the fact that it memorised numbers and she could dial me (for instance) by just entering the 2 digit code instead of the whole 11 digit phone no. She's just past the stage where she can learn anything new.

    I'm not trying to pee on Amy's matches, it was a good idea (as I thought 18 months ago!) but it cost about £80 and is now sitting back in it's box in my wardrobe, unused. If anyone wants it, I'll gladly pass it on f.o.c. Just drop me a PM.
  12. Michael E

    Michael E Registered User

    Apr 14, 2005
    Ronda Spain
    The thing about money and a lot of things is that you can't take it with you. I did inherit a very small amount of money from my mum - nice to have it and was grateful but it did not change my life.. got one or two bits of furniture which remind me of her much more...

    I think what I am saying is that Parents don't owe Kids... If there is anything left for my two (both around 40 and I have no intention of pushing up the daisies for a while yet) then I hope they enjoy it - But - what is the point in saving it if it can make my life or Moniques easier now?

    Nowadays I am perhaps a proffessional landlord?? It does take some effort sometimes and now and then can be disasterous through circumstances... As posted above you really do have to 'present' the property well - nice furniture, clean decor etc if you are to get a good rent and good tenants.. Takes a bit of effort. Then you have to pay income tax on the profit!!

    If on the other hand you could sell your fathers property (if you have P of A) invest the money safely in a building society - always checking for the best rate - and then the £120 for a telephone which might give him enourmas pleasure sometimes, whilst he can still work out how to use it, will not be an issue - just get it. And if he needs anything at all there is a pool of 'his' money to use to make his life better... well that's a relative word but you know what I mean!

    When the money runs out then the state will have to pick up all the bills - by that time he won't want a telephone or what ever but will have enjoyed the fruits of a lifetimes work before he is gone for good...

  13. Amy

    Amy Registered User

    Jan 4, 2006
    Hiya Lynne,
    Your phones sound fancier than ours - we just push the buttons - don't bother with the display.

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