1. Littlebear

    Littlebear Registered User

    Jan 6, 2017
    Can anyone offer advice on dealing with anxiety. I have learnt not to tell my OH about planned events until the last minute (sometimes literally!) but he still gets terribly anxious about everything - from taking his medication, to checking that he has put out his clothes for the next day, worrying about taking the dog for a walk - just everything. I am frequently woken up to be asked about any or all the above.

    He likes us to put his clothes and pills out the night before but other than that I can't think of anything that will improve the situation.

    He also gets very upset when I do the laundry - not just his clothes but mine as well. It's been a nightmare today. He got terribly upset today because the only clothes that needed ironing were his (shirts) and wanted to know why my clothes didn't need ironing.

    I know these are all petty things but the anger wears me down - it started at 6am and has been going on ever since. Any advice appreciated.
  2. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    I agree it helps to put clothes out the night before, I used to do this for my husband.

    Can I ask if you are using a lot of language ?

    I found if we just did what we had to do without any instruction or discussion it saved confusion.

    Apologies if I`ve completely got the wrong idea.
  3. Littlebear

    Littlebear Registered User

    Jan 6, 2017
    Thanks. I hadn't thought about that. I do tend to chat away when we are doing things. I suppose to me it seems more normal but now that you mention it I can see that maybe it does make things worse. I'll try being quiet for once!

    My OH is still at the stage where he dresses himself & usually selects his own clothes although he often wants me to check he's got it right. He also always wants to know what's going on although I do greatly simplify my answers but he gets upset if I don't include him in making decisions/arrangements. It's the constant anger and aggression I find so hard - although we do have good days. I'm really looking for ideas as to how I can minimise him worrying about the small things which lead to the upset.
  4. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    This is just as it was with my husband.

    The mood swings are really difficult , especially because there is no way they can be predicted.

    The only way you can minimise the anger and aggression is to keep everything as calm, laid back, quiet and peaceful as possible . There is an expression `treading on eggshells` which is how I felt for ages, trying not to spoil the mood.

    I now realise much of the anger and frustration was due to fear. I was so often accused of taking away his independence . In effect I thought I was trying to help but it was never seen that way.

    I don`t know if you have seen this;


    It is a tall order but an excellent guide. It might help.

    When anger and aggression became unmanageable, I walked away. I would go to another room for a while and give him time to calm down. After a while I would take him a cup of tea and try to pretend nothing had happened. It worked sometimes.
  5. ElizabethAnn

    ElizabethAnn Registered User

    Jan 4, 2014
    North Hampshire
    One thing we try to do, is use the exact same phrase when the same question is asked - and keep it very short and simple.

    It took some trial and error to find the right phrase for each situation. But, we just kept trying different things until we found one that worked... for a while...

    We definitely avoid long answers, but soften them (so they don't sound abrupt) with a smile, hug, squeeze of the hand, or if appropriate, a side track...

    When it comes to ironing, if he's always distressed when there are none of your clothes there (does he think he's going to left by himself or that you're ironing before packing his things and sending him away?) - could you try making sure you always include one or 2 of your things too (something very easy to iron!!!)

    It's so difficult and heart breaking :-(

    rgds, Elizabeth.
  6. lilylizard1

    lilylizard1 Registered User

    Jan 23, 2017
    totally sympathise

    im fairly new to this forum n i like to read n see what tips i can use .

    im caring for a friend esp when son working away. bin quite full on for the last three weeks. im exhausted mentally.
    constant mantra of what we going to do now. she must be so exhausted herselfnwith the anxiety. am trying to help her put on weight but with all the worrying there is no chance. she will only eat when i eat, so im the one getting bigger!

    def agree with the idea of saying as little words as poss.
    trouble is my lady doesnt want to do anything! but at same time wants to do sonething.
    she smokes but doesnt remember shes jus had one so is now a chain smoker.
    its easier to jus let her do what she wants.

    phew its now 9am so somewhere will be open. fun time looking for shoes etc
    take care, hang on in there and take any and all help possible.
    humour goes a long way even though you may feel like crying
  7. Littlebear

    Littlebear Registered User

    Jan 6, 2017
    Thanks for the link Grannie G. I shall certainly try to follow the suggestions.
  8. Trisha4

    Trisha4 Registered User

    Jan 16, 2014
    I know this wasn't my post but I needed your advice Grannie G so thank you. Aggression and Mr Grumpy have entered our lives in a big way and I'm not responding in a helpful way. Your post and link have made me stop and think. I will try harder.

    Sent from my iPad using Talking Point
  9. safray

    safray Registered User

    Feb 2, 2017
    anxiety Today I lost my cool, similar problems as you mention but unable to have a f

    Having similar problems but unable to have a few hours sleep due to constant walking about during the night etc, in & out of bed etc & now I am so tired I lose control at times & feel like screaming. I love him very much & now have a guilty conscience. I need encouragement to keep going
  10. Shedrech

    Shedrech Volunteer Moderator

    Dec 15, 2012
    hi safray
    welcome to TP
    you are only human, so don't be too hard on yourself
    have you had a chat with your husband's GP lately and let them know how the situation is now; it may be there are meds to help, or a referral to be made for more support eg some respite
    seems to me encouragement is one thing, and you'll certainly have that from the members here - actual practical support is another - maybe contact your Local Authority Adult Services for a re-assessment of your husband's care needs - and a carer's assessment if you haven't already had one - day care may help tire your husband, a sitter will give you some time for yourself, and respite will give you both a break - if your husband is up pretty much all night, it may be time to consider full time care for him; there's only so much one person on her own can cope with
    do have a chat with your own GP about YOU and how you are - your own health and welfare matter and a carer can lose sight of that
    best wishes

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