1. Dutchman

    Dutchman Registered User

    May 26, 2017
    New problem and it seems coincidental of returning from our family get together at the weekend. Wife is now filling at random bag after bag full of different stuff...knickers, photos, cheese, bananas, books and other miscellaneous bits. Then she says I want to go to catch the bus once I’ve dropped her at the bus stop and then go to her parents who have been dead 8 years. Completely delusional. I try to stop her leaving the house and she gets aggressively determined.

    I’m sitting next to her now and despite pleading with her she won’t change her underwear and she stinks. She blames me again. Hopefully the carer tomorrow can achieve what can’t.
  2. Trekker

    Trekker Registered User

    Jun 18, 2019
    I’m so sorry Dutchman, how stressful. My father, before he too had dementia, used to sit on his walker, guarding the door to my parents’ flat, scared stiff my mother would go out shopping, something she was incapable of but obsessed with doing. Eventually she wandered off in the night, ended up in hospital for a month and was moved, with my father, to extra care housing. I hope the carers can help tomorrow, but wonder if it is time to share your concerns and challenges with SS. Take care and good luck x
  3. canary

    canary Registered User

    Feb 25, 2014
    South coast
    She is obviously "packing to go home"
    Try telling her that she has missed the last bus, but her parents say that its OK to stay the night there.
  4. Maggie

    Maggie Registered User

    Oct 11, 2003
    Gibraltar/England london Now
    #4 Maggie, Aug 19, 2019
    Last edited: Aug 19, 2019

    Reminds me of when my mother was at that stage with her VD.
    Perseverance, patients is what I remember needing .
    Which is very hard having Patients.

    I found the blaming game, was a way for my mother preserving her dignity and respect.
    depending how advance the dementia is, living in a loop must be hard for someone with a dementia not remembering or not if they need to be washed or not.

    I am no expert, but sounds like your wife is in a loop of a memory at the moment in wanting to see her parents & getting a bus .
    Distracting her is best way forward also what Carney said above.

    I ended up saying to my mother that I needed the help
    & carers where here for me to help her.

    ( when cares came around & she did not want their help also)

    As I can not cope anymore.
    if my mother wanted to keep living with me .
    I needed help.
    Was better then having mum go into care home.

    She did except respite for me.

    Wishing you all the best.
    Hope you post an update tomorrow.
  5. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    My husband did this @Dutchman.

    I hid the suitcases in the garage and he packed bag after bag of supermarket bags with the most irrational things as well as his clothes.

    It was heartbreaking.

    I did manage to persuade him to wait until `tomorrow` saying it was too dark, too cold, anything I could think of.

    Once he was asleep I put everything back in place and when he woke in the morning all had been forgotten.

    It was certainly part of sundowning.
  6. Rob_E

    Rob_E Registered User

    Feb 1, 2015
    Sorry to hear about this, this kind of thing can be very stressful! Is she on any medication for her anxiety and if she is, is she taking enough of it? It doesn't work miracles but certainly with mum, it's helped her relax and she is definitely happier.
  7. Rosserk

    Rosserk Registered User

    Jul 9, 2019
    If anything at all upsets my mothers normal routine her behaviour gets worse! It’s like it stimulates some part of her brain that’s normally dormant! It’s got to the point where I don’t take her anywhere anymore because it just upsets her to much. Even simple things like not being given a cup of tea with her meal will make her do the strangest things. It’s like she knows she should have something else with her meal but doesn’t know what it is. Seeing your family woke up the part of her brain that stored memories of her parents.

    Today mum showed me a picture of herself when she was younger, she said look at my lovely long dark hair then she said she’s dead now poor thing! Then she said I must remember to tell mum later that she’s dead, you can take me there later!

    I will get that picture and hide it at the first opportunity!

    You are doing an incredible job. I’m confident I won’t last as long as you. As soon as my mother no longer recognises me or becomes incontinent I will look at care homes. I am positive I’m not the best person to care for her, I don’t have the patience and I’m not physically well enough. She is very social and I think she would enjoy the company of others in a care home setting. Does your wife wife enjoy the company of others, was she social before she became ill?
  8. Dutchman

    Dutchman Registered User

    May 26, 2017
    Things have moved on dramatically. My wife is a aggressively determined to want to get out of the house, to get on a bus to visit her parents (long dead)and when I refuse to drive her to the bus stop she has become violent out of extreme frustration. Numerous bags of random bits are carried to the locked door. SS are now involved and as I cannot cope with this anymore they are trying to source respite care and oh my god am I feeling guilty and feeling weak and pathetic and generally awful about the whole business. I’ve never been under such stress and just wish my wife was so nasty to me that I felt more justified in my actions.

    Just the thought of how she will react to a care home placement fills me with terror. I’m going behind her back and I deserve to rot in hell because of it. That’s how I feel right now
  9. Izzy

    Izzy Volunteer Moderator

    Aug 31, 2003
    Oh @Dutchman I’m so sorry that things are so bad for you just now. Nothing I can say will help but I just wanted to say I’m thinking of you and I wish you strength.
  10. Cat27

    Cat27 Volunteer Moderator

    Feb 27, 2015
  11. RosettaT

    RosettaT Registered User

    Sep 9, 2018
    Mid Lincs
    #11 RosettaT, Aug 22, 2019
    Last edited: Aug 22, 2019
    I know how distressing this is, I'm sorry you have experienced it. Please don't beat yourself up you can only do the best you can. My OH went through this last year, his Dr put him on additonal meds and within 24 hrs he was completely different.
    Wishing you strength.
  12. kindred

    kindred Registered User

    Apr 8, 2018
    Dutchman, I am so sorry. ROsetta is right, I have seen the relatively normalising and calming effect of medication at my late husbands nursing home. Please accept the respite and try to recover a little. YOu are such a good man.
    Warmest, kindred.
  13. Sarahdun

    Sarahdun Registered User

    May 18, 2014
    There are numerous of us on here now going through exactly this. It is horrible. 10 weeks on from my 'young' husband entering care I still feel all the emotions. But - after a very bumpy first few weeks - he is so much better (happier and calmer) - both from all the new medications and from the very supportive caring regime in place there. I am lost and confused (guilty and sad and RELIEVED) but gradually understanding that this is just another thing I will have to work out a solution to - and will.
  14. Rosettastone57

    Rosettastone57 Registered User

    Oct 27, 2016
    Don't beat yourself up over this. Easy for me to say I know . I think you've been there for your wife in very very difficult circumstances and I think social services are right that you need respite care. Stay strong
  15. Rosserk

    Rosserk Registered User

    Jul 9, 2019
    You need to stop beating yourself up. You have been absolutely amazing there’s no way I would have gone on this long. It is normal to feel guilty but what you need to ask yourself is. If your wife was in her normal mind and was told what it would be like for you she would probably tell you to put her into care. No one would want this fir their loved one. Once your wife gets used to it she might be more settled and it might be the best thing you’ve ever done. You are doing what is best for her and what will keep her safe, there’s no way you can reason with dementia!

    We spent years trying to control my father who has dementia and is in a care home. I finally had him sectioned and whilst it was the hardest thing I had to do it was by far the best thing for everybody. We don’t pay for my father because he was sectioned for being a danger to himself and others because it was impossible to keep him safe. He eventually settled and now no longer recognises any of us but is content in his own world.

    My mum insists on going out to the local Tesco which is 800 yards from my home and she wants to go every day. If I try to stop her the evil monster surfaces and she looks at me like she’s psychotic! I no longer try to stop her I just let her go, the doctor told me to let her do what she wanted and not to try and stop her. She usually manages to come back with something she’s bought even if it’s just the paper. I’m waiting for the day when she doesn’t come home or is arrested for walking out the shop without paying. I’ve explained it all to the doctor, social and mental health team and they’ve all said just to let her do what she wants and not to try and physically stop her. I expect she will go down the same route as my dad and to be perfectly honest it can’t come soon enough for me. I have no quality of life and my mother wouldn’t want that if she knew what she was doing.

    When you’re beating yourself up remember you have to do what’s best for both of you. Sending big hugs!!
  16. canary

    canary Registered User

    Feb 25, 2014
    South coast
    ((((((((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))) @Dutchman
    It is not your fault that your wife has dementia, nor that she no longer recognises you or the home that she has shared with you. You have tried everything to prevent it, but its like shouting into the wind or trying to hold back the tide.

    Accept the respite. I dont think that you can keep her (or you) safe anymore - I think the time has come when she needs a whole team of people to look after her - not just one frazzled carer, however loving and willing.
  17. Dutchman

    Dutchman Registered User

    May 26, 2017
    Last night I has a terrible time, no sleeping, agonising over whether I was doing the right thing in trying to arrange a care home place. Could I still cope at home, what about her response over moving out of our home, so much so that I thought I was going to breakdown. But the moment she got up she started with the constant worry and fretting wanting to get out the house to go to her parents. She got out and was rescued by our neighbour. I was in such a state that I asked our daughter 5 hours away to come and help. My other daughter is arriving tomorrow. Residential homes are being sought.

    All this has confirmed in my mind that I can’t cope with her and others now need to take over. I’ll be on my own but I’ve sort of been that way since not recognising me as her husband. It’ll be good to have a breather from it all.
  18. Dutchman

    Dutchman Registered User

    May 26, 2017
    Thank you all for your support and warm advice. I know deep down that what you say makes sense but my heart is breaking knowing that I lost the battle with dementia and my wife is only really alive in my memories now.
  19. Rosserk

    Rosserk Registered User

    Jul 9, 2019
    I think you’ve made the right decision for your wife and for you. Things will change there’s nothing that will ever stay the same no matter how much we want it too. You will still be able to see your wife even though things will be different. The good thing is that when you visit you’ll have more patience and the time you spend together won’t be fraught. Your life is not over it’s just going to be different and I’m sure you’ll be able to smile again and get some enjoyment. X
  20. Bunpoots

    Bunpoots Registered User

    Apr 1, 2016
    I’m so sorry @Dutchman. I know it’s not what you wanted.

    I hope you can find a renewed and special relationship with your wife again once she settles and you have the responsibility shared by professional carers.

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