Another visit - wishing she was dead and other delusions...

[Tuesdays-Child]

Hi again, everyone. It's been a while since my last post - mostly because it's been a while since Grandma's last visit. We've largely stopped letting her in, but due to plumbers and my dad arriving at similar times this evening, today was an exception.

As before, she didn't seem to have come round for anything in particular - just to talk over and over about her confabulations (including how her neighbours have been telling her to move into a flat, which we originally looked into over a year ago, and her eldest son's apparent death.). However, what really knocked me was how, over and over again, said that she wished she was dead, knew she wasn't wanted, was going to go home and overdose on pills etc - all whilst I was standing in the room. She said she was sorry, both for those remarks and coming over in general, but I know it's not sincere.

My mum and dad seem to be coping remarkably well with it all - likely because they have to - but dementia or not, I will always see her as a family member that I have an innate need to protect. Today was one of the first times in a while that I stood my ground with her about her threats of violence towards her apparent persecutors, and, perhaps in tandem, one of the first time she's been mad at me. I told her to lower her voice numerous times, but that obviously didn't happen.

From reading TP for a while, I know it adheres to a policy of compassion - of "it's the disease, not the person". But if I'm incredibly honest, right now I'm finding it hard to be compassionate towards a woman who, on top of all the delusions, seems to be not a very nice person...

 

[karaokePete]

Hello @Tuesdays-Child, the 'Wish I was dead' theme is a tough one. I know in my wife's case she has depression as well as Alzheimer's so this is something I often hear. Indeed, we have an appointment with the GP for tomorrow to discuss my wife's meds for this reason. Maybe your Grandma should be checked for depression, if that hasn't been done already.
As to the personality; what was your Grandma like before the dementia took hold? If she was a nice person before the dementia then that person will still be there, although buried beneath the symptoms. It may be a matter of discovering something she always liked and enjoying that with her to lift her mood and disposition.
On the subject of communication generally there is a great thread that you may not have seen yet. In case you haven't, here's a link and I hope you find something of use in it https://forum.alzheimers.org.uk/threads/compassionate-communication-with-the-memory-impaired.30801/

Don't be too hard on yourself. We all find the going tough at times. Best of luck.

 

[Sarasa]

Hi Tuesday's Child,
Your grandmother sounds rather like my mother, she too has delusions about the neighbours doing all sorts of things and she loses her temper much more readily than she did when she was younger. She also says she'd rather be dead than diagnosed with dementia (we are still awaiting a diagnosis), which makes me think she knows something is awry but blaming neighbours for the things that confuse her is a better way of coping for her.
When mum first started on the accusations against her neighbours we all tried different approaches, my husband told her straight out these things weren't happening, my son and I tried logic, ('What is more likely, you put your purse in your shopping bag rather than your handbag, or your neighbours got in, unseen by you, and moved it?') and my brother tried distracting her with talk of other things. The latter approach seems to be the best as does my brother's appeal to her better nature 'Mum, you are a magnanimous person and you always find the best in people, so stop saying horrible things about your neighbours.'
The whole personality thing is interesting. My mother was always a romantic, but she had a good streak of common sense, which now seems to have disappeared, so she seems to think she really did have a romantic tryst with a tour rep, rather than she went on holiday and the tour rep was nice to her. In her working life, she managed a lot of people including firing, disciplneries etc. She always did what she had to do, but usually found the best ways to get people to do the work. She seems to have lost that side of her character, and is now just tough and nasty. She has a thing that people ignore little old ladies and she is out to prove they are not invisable. Hear, hear, but before she would have done it with charm, now she just shouts.
It's a vile disease, but good luck Tuesdays-child to you and to your parents.

 

[SiJol]

It sounds like depression as much as dementia and it's hard to figure out to what extent you're talking to the person you knew or the disease. You're full of dignity, just keep it up.