An invasion of privacy?

[HelenInBC]

My siblings and I spent most of the day on Saturday going through my parents' belongings in her home, deciding who would keep what. She recently moved into a care home and we will be selling her home.
We came across a packet of letters that my dad wrote to my mom in the period they were dating, just before they got married. Some of them read like love letters and are very touching to read. We never knew my dad this way. He wasn't open with his feelings this way to us and not to our mother very often in front of us. It made me feel good to know that at one time, he was so loving and romantic to my mom.
Since my mom really doesn't have any memory of any of this, she barely remembers my dad at all and often wonders where he is or asks if he died, but has no memory of this (he's been gone 15 years now)

My husband is horrified that we would read the letters. He feels it is an invasion of their privacy and unfortunately he expressed this opinion in front of my siblings and me. I don't think he understands the value we get from having a bit more insight into what my dad was like back before we were born. His parents are still alive, and thankfully- do not have dementia so he can ask them any questions he wants to.

I feel that if my mother saved the letters all these years, she would be well aware that we would read them at some point in time. Otherwise, why save them?

Thoughts?

 

[Dill]

Hi
I have the same, a bundle of letters that Mum wrote to Dad, just before they were engaged/married. I must say I did worry about reading them a little and have only read a few because of what they are - little insights into their most personal emotional feelings.
Having said that, they are the most treasured items I have and will eventually read them. The few I did read made me feel closer to and able to better understand my parents.
Dill x

 

[Saffie]

I think it's fine for you to read the letters. They are a part of your history.
I say this as a parent with a boxload of letters in my lower loft which I keep saying I must go through.
I will destroy some - there are a lot and some are very trivial - but will keep the rest with the full knowledge that my daughters and grandchildren are likely to read them if they feel so inclined.

Doing this will give them some insight into our lives before they came along, just as your parent's letters are giving you. I would have loved to have some of my own parent's letters.

I don't think you need to feel guilty but if you do, then keep them somewhere safe while your mother remains alive.

 

[Linbrusco]

I suppose there is always a risk of reading something that you would rather hadn't, but I don't feel it is an invasion of privacy, given your Mums state of mind and health.
The letters would be yours and your siblings upon her death and I imagine you are her executors of her will and/or beneficiaries?
They are yours to do with as you wish.

 

[Solihull]

My mom has all the letters Dad saved which she sent to him during the war while he was in Italy & Palestine & she has always been so proud that he kept them and always wanted me to read them. She is now in a care home & I have the letters in my safe keeping (possibly about 200 of them). I have started reading them & they are so lovely & innocent & now I am so proud that they are part of my history. I also feel that if they were destroyed without being read I would regret it forever- don't feel guilty - feel proud that they had those times. Remember, these days there will be no records of the feelings people had -texts are deleted. Xx

 

[HelenInBC]

Thank you all for your messages. I feel confident that my mom would not have saved any letters that she didn't want us to read. She always wanted us to know more about her family and about the history of the family, so I think she would be glad that the letters give us a look inside how they were back then. I consider them a great treasure. The letters were obviously very special to her as they survived many moves and many years.
They are part of my mom and dad and I'm so happy we are able to share it.

 

[Tangled]

Now, more than ever, it's important. We keep photos so you can see we were once young - and thin! - and pretty. And we keep letters to show we were loved.

 

[cragmaid]

Mum has kept one or two letters, which my sister and I have read. The sad thing is that there is detail in them that we would have spoken to Mum about had she been well, but not now. It would cause her distress to realise that her husband was dead...24 years ago, and she knows it - sometimes. And to remind her that she is not 20 years old again.....no, I'll just make up the bits I don't know.

 

[Lawson58]

Letters are like photos - snapshots of how things once were. You would never destroy old photographs and perhaps you will only take them out once in a while but they are part of your parents and part of you. Put them away in a safe place, treasure them and one day share them with your children.

 

[Kevinl]

I agree with your husband "My husband is horrified that we would read the letters" in principle, it is a massively intrustively thing to do read someone else's private letters at least while they're still alive.
The worse bit for me was skipping things like my Mum's wedding presents, given to them in the 1950's and so special they never opened them, still in the box like lace things (no man name for them) and you just chuck them in a skip.
Maybe it's a man thing but picking over the private things just doesn't jell with me, in spite of her AZ I still ask my wife for something out of her handbag, never stuck my hand in there, don't intend to everyone is different.
K

 

[RedLou]

My dad gave me his love letters to my mum to read before the vascular dementia took too great hold. He said he wanted me to know how much they loved each other. I said I knew - and did not read them with him present, but I will one day. I suspect anyone saving letters into old age is hoping their children read them and keep them, not just chuck them away unread - which is the alternative being suggested, by inference, here.

 

[1954]

When MIL came to live with us we knew her property would have to be sold. We found letters from her ex husband and it gave her children a whole new insight to their parents relationship as they can only remember fighting, screaming, adultery and then divorce and then years of verbal abuse regarding each other in front of the children

It was lovely to see how they at one time had undying love for each other. The children were born into a loving marriage. The letters are a real treasure and precious

No one feels bad about looking at them. Why would she had saved them if they weren't for her children to find and read? If we hadn't have looked at everything single thing then EVERYTHING would have been chucked This way there are precious things to pass down the family when she passes away

 

[Witzend]

I would only think it an invasion of privacy when one or both partners are still alive, and with capacity. In such cases I would not dream of reading private letters. However my mother now has zero capacity or understanding, and if I came across any letters now, I would not feel bad to read them. I know it would be a most poignant experience, though.

After my aunt died, we found some letters from the husband she had been estranged from for many years, but had got in contact with again much later. These letters dated from that time. I had known my uncle when I was a child. He had died when my aunt was 80-ish , quite a distance from her home, and in fact I had offered to drive her to his funeral. But she declined - I think because she would have found it too emotional.

I did read the letters - I did feel a mite guilty about it, but they were full of love and it was just a very sad and poignant experience, thinking what might have been. But I know she had had very valid reasons for leaving him when she did, quite young. She never married anyone else.

 

[Saffie]

The worse bit for me was skipping things like my Mum's wedding presents, given to them in the 1950's and so special they never opened them, still in the box like lace things (no man name for them) and you just chuck them in a skip.

To me , that is a shocking thing to do.
I find it difficult to understand how you can think it intrusive to read of the love between parents yet destroy gifts they were given at the time of their marriage.
If they hadn't valued them, they wouldn't have kept them.
Just to 'chuck them in a skip'?!

I have to say that when we kept our letters, it wasn't with the intention of our children reading them one day but simply because it's what you do with precious letters.
Now, though, I am happy for them to read them - but not just yet!

 

[CollegeGirl]

I have mixed feelings about this. As an avid family historian, I would love to have a bundle of love letters written by my ancestors. The passage of many years lends a poignancy to things like that.

But would I want my own children to read my own love letters from their dad (which there aren't many of, as we weren't really apart very much)? I'm not too sure.

I think we're lucky in that our kids know how much we love each other, and are happy together. Whether I'd want them to read anything more private than that, I'm not sure. I think I feel that they are too close to us in time to know every intimate detail.

And yet I've kept them and could never destroy them. So I think what I'm saying is that I'd rather they didn't read them, but kept them for future generations to read - maybe a future family historian like me.

 

[1954]

I am sorry if I sounded offensive in what I posted, that was not my intention. Maybe I would feel differently if we had letters between myself and hubby (we don't) and if we had children (we don't).

The whole situation is so sad as one never thinks one would have to invade your parents privacy. I would never never do anything like that with my mum who is alive and has capacily but realize as she idolized my dad, although divorced, there will be things I will come across when the time comes

 

[1954]

I must add that when MIL first came to live with us I told the family it didn't seem 'right' to go through her belongings as she is still alive. But then events took over and the property has to be sold. MIL has no insight to all that's going on. We looked into storage of her things but the cost is huge.

I did most of the clearing out with some input with her daughter and hubby, when we decided it had to happen and if it was left to her family absolutely everything would have been chucked.......I mean EVERYTHING chucked. But I insisted that there was so much that needed to be kept as 'memories' for the family and there is still much left in her property. She was a collector of paintings and books and we still have them on her walls plus her books and various other things.

 

[MrsTerryN]

When going through my parents things we found letters from my father to his mother prior to his marriage with mum. I would think that she kept them and he did.
I can't read them just yet but i have kept them for later on.

Sent from my SM-T310 using Talking Point mobile app

 

[Miss Merlot]

Just wondered how the perspective would change if it was a diary rather than love letters...?

 

[1954]

Just wondered how the perspective would change if it was a diary rather than love letters...?

Unfortunately I have read MIL diary and it gave me more insight into what was going on and for how long

There were lots of statements like 'get a grip D'. 'I don't know whats going on', 'just sent £6000 cheque to Africa to win a million pounds' and loads more. I have to say as I was spending all my time trying to sort out MIL at that time I did and do not feel bad in any way