Am so cross and upset, again

Discussion in 'ARCHIVE FORUM: Support discussions' started by ChrisD, Aug 10, 2007.

  1. ChrisD

    ChrisD Registered User

    Jul 22, 2007
    27
    Hampshire
    I just rang my mum to let her know that the carers are happy to assist her with a bath. She had asked for help and I contacted the very helpful Social Worker who said it wouldn't be a problem. I rang to tell her the news and could tell she wasn't totally convinced. She then got progressively angry (yet again) about the gas cooker. It was turned off several weeks ago as the carer could smell gas and TRANSCO were called in. He turned it off as he quite rightly thought it was unsafe. Everytime I talk to mum or see her she has a go at me about the wretched cooker. She blames me solely for turning it off and that I am lying when I say the carer was concerned about the strong smell of gas. I have told her that I wasn't there at the time and didn't even know about it until a few days later. Anyway she got so angry today that she put the phone down on me and when I rang back she did it again. Why????????? Why do I get the blame for everything? Mum lives on the isle of wight which is a two hour journey door to door and as I work 4 days a week I visit her on a Friday. I have had to reduce it to alternate weeks because I can't cope with the verbal and emotional abuse I get from her. I appreciate it is part of the dementia but still find it incredibly hard. I should not have rung her today, I realise that now but I thought she would be pleased about the bath. I just feel really cross and upset, AGAIN.
     
  2. Nebiroth

    Nebiroth Registered User

    Aug 20, 2006
    3,518
    I'm afraid that this is fairly typical of someone with dementia. Your mum simply can't grasp the rational explanation - or she is simply rejecting it because it conflicts with her beliefs. No matter how reasonable your explanation, no matter how much evidence you produce in support of it, mum won;t believe you. You could get the carer and gasman to corroborate your story, and I suspect that mum would likely accuse them of lying about it too - probably believing it a "conspiracy".

    Mum has convinced herself that her version is the reality, and she will cling to that like a limpet. I have been, and still am, there only it is ten times worse here with my dad's paranoid obsessions..

    Sadly, delusions like this, and paranoid beliefs, all go with the territory.

    The only thing I can suggest is to minimise the impact on yourself. It sounds heartless but if mum starts on about the gas then it may be time to say "mum if you are going to start accusing me again I am going to put the phone down". This is the equivalent of walking out of the room. In the same way that you have had to reduce your visits.

    I don;t think there's any point in trying to use reason, because your mum won;t be open to it. She is in her own world and there's little chance of changing that.
     
  3. Mameeskye

    Mameeskye Registered User

    Aug 9, 2007
    1,669
    NZ
    Hi Chris

    I remember when my Mum was at this stage and she was accusing me of everything and telling relatives awful things about me. It is just so hard isn't it.

    I found that the only way I could deal with it was to end a call if it became abusive and to restrict the visits. At the time I wasn't sure that it was dementia and I was exhausted caring for twin babies.

    I realise with hindsight that it was the disease, not her speaking. You have to keep reminding yourself of this. As her dementia progressed it became easier again and we had a few years of a good relationship again.

    Be strong. Your Mum feels that she can take it out on you because she loves you and you love her and she feels secure in this knowledge. It is very true that we only hurt the ones we love.

    (((hugs)))

    Mameeskye
     
  4. ChrisD

    ChrisD Registered User

    Jul 22, 2007
    27
    Hampshire
    Sometimes I actually feel she hates me and has said some incredibly hurtful things to me. She even said recently that I would be shocked if I knew what Dad used to say about me. He only died 7 weeks ago. We have never been an immensely close family but I do wonder where all this has come from. Sometimes I think she knows exactly what she is saying because she doesn't even stumble over her words. When I give her a hug and kiss when I leave she is as stiff as a board. She just stands and watches me cry without any comment. I keep telling myself it's all part of the dementia but it is so hard. It must have been so hard for Dad because I think she was starting to be like this to him, but he would never accept any help, apart from meals on wheels.
     
  5. BeckyJan

    BeckyJan Registered User

    Nov 28, 2005
    18,972
    Derbyshire
    Hello there. I feel so sorry for you as you are in a 'no win' situation. Yes it is the dementia but it does not stop you feeling hurt and cross. I think eventually you will become slightly immune to it and let those bad feelings go across you (I do now with my husband). Remember you can only do what you can do.

    We all know how easy it is to say these things but WE ALL KNOW what it is like.

    Take care and keep posting to get those feelings out of your system. Beckyjan
     
  6. Skye

    Skye Registered User

    Aug 29, 2006
    17,000
    SW Scotland
    Chris, that must be so hurtful for you. It does sound as if your mum is deliberately trying to hurt you. Telling you your dad said bad things about you is so cruel.

    But you do say that you have never ben close, but this is out of character. I think you should see your mum's GP. If it's not the same as yours, write to him and tell him what is going on, and that you can't cope any more.

    Aggression is quite a common symptom of dementia, and verbal aggression is just another manifestation of this. Some calming medication may do the trick.

    But however deliberate it is, it's still a symptom of her illness. I know it's no good telling you not to take it personally, it still hurts. Please see if the doc can help you.

    Love,
     
  7. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    69,594
    Kent
    Dear Chris,

    Your mother`s insults will never stop hurting, but they will hurt less as you get used to them. You may find that hard to believe but over time, you might begin to build up some immunity to them.

    I hope so.

    Love xx
     
  8. roman

    roman Registered User

    Aug 8, 2007
    16
    Liverpool
    Mum always seemed to 'kick off' with me more so than my sisters. She has said she will tell the police about me and accused me of stealing some clothes which I returned to a shop.Despite my reassurances she persisted with the idea. As I am the eldest I did wonder whether it was because she felt close to me so could blame me for things.She recently told a carer in her home that I hit her! I do not take too much notice of her but now leave the home if she gets aggressive.She did also say that one of my sisters was trying to kill her! I think I can be quite resilient as I had a pretty good childhood but do worry that if she says things to my sister (who was a rebel as a teenager) she may take them to heart.
     
  9. Taffy

    Taffy Registered User

    Apr 15, 2007
    1,314
    Hi Cris,

    It's all so distressing and I know the feeling only to well. I think the world as they see it, is so confused they can neither make head nor tail of it, so they vent their anger. I think they see us as the ones with the problem trying to destroy their world, we become foe. I know with my mum she would implicate others, this however, was to justify her beliefs. I know it isn't easy and it hurts, but, with my own experience mum did move on and became more compliant. I hope that your mum gets pass this stage quickly, I know it seems like a personal attack and under normal circumstances it would be, but, with dementia the thought patterns can become distorted. Take Care Taffy.:)
     
  10. Helena

    Helena Registered User

    May 24, 2006
    715
    Chris

    My Mother was exactly the same with me
    I got all the flack for everything even when thousands of miles away while my sister was "perfect" "He who does most gets thought least of " plus as others say its part of the Dementia personality It hurts like hell when you are on the receiving end and i found the only way to deal with it was to be darned angry back .........that worked with my Mother because it gave her such a jolt it stopped her tirade mid track
     
  11. ChrisD

    ChrisD Registered User

    Jul 22, 2007
    27
    Hampshire
    Thank you so much for all your comments. When I read the other posts on here I feel very guilty for moaning because so many of you have to put up with so much more. Perhaps as Helena says I ought to get angry back, but unfortunately it is not in my nature. I tend to get upset instead which has absolutely no effect on Mum, so perhaps the answer is to get angry. I do ask her why she blames me for things but quite often when she is at the angry stage she gets very muddled with her words and it makes absolutely no sense. I am an only child but Mum does have a cousin who is 75 and visits quite regularly. As far as she is concerned he can do no wrong and she frequently tells me how wonderful he is. She wants him to deal with all the financial matters and has told me she cannot understand why I was made an Executor of Dad's Will, even though she and Dad had happily agreed to it two years ago. Her cousin does try to stand up for me but that seems to make things worse. Anyway, I am going over again next Saturday with my husband as hopefully he will be able to diffuse the situation, because no doubt the switching off of the gas cooker will come up again!
     
  12. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    69,594
    Kent
    Dear Chris,

    Don`t worry if it is not in your nature to get angry with your mother. But try not to let her see you upset either.

    The best thing I`ve found is to walk away. Either into a different room, or even home.

    I know it sounds drastic, when you`ve gone to visit, and I know she can`t help herself. But to some extent she can learn that if she doesn`t speak to you properly, you won`t be there for her to speak to you at all.

    It`s a method that has been effective with quite a few TP members. It might help you.

    Take care

    Love xx
     
  13. ChrisD

    ChrisD Registered User

    Jul 22, 2007
    27
    Hampshire
    Thankyou I'll definitely try that. Trouble is I think she would be pleased sometimes if she doesn't see me. The last time, when I left, she said it was nice of me to come over and see her but not to do it again!!! How do you answer that one??
     
  14. Skye

    Skye Registered User

    Aug 29, 2006
    17,000
    SW Scotland
    Chris, I don't think for a minute your mum meant that, it's just another way of getting at you. And I'm not sure getting angry would help either, it would justufy her nastiness, and make you feel guilty -- as if we need a reason!:(

    Walking away makes most sense, just say that you'll be back when she's in a better frome of mind.
     
  15. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    69,594
    Kent
    Dear Chris,

    When our doorbell rings my husband pulls a face. It`s too much effort for him to pretend to anyone that all is well.

    Even if our son comes, and they`ve always had a really close relationship, he pulls the same face and is relieved when he goes.

    When anyone else comes, after 5 minutes he `escapes` to another room, either the kitchen for food, or the toilet, and then to the bedroom.

    So I`m sure it isn`t you. it really is the illness.

    Love xx
     

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