I am in my late forties. It has taken me decades to understand that there is a problem with my mother. When I was a kid I had a lot of friends who had an alcoholic parent. My mother isn’t alcoholic, but I related to how these kids were, we were similar somehow but I didn’t know how. In my twenties and thirties I read and read about the experiences of children of alcoholic parents, I read about the experiences of children of deaf adults, I worked with clients with mental health challenges, with personality disorders, with behavioural disorders. And one day I came across information about daughters of narcissistic mothers, and everything began to come into focus.
My narcissistic mother now has a diagnosis of dementia. My brother has always been her Golden Child. Dad, who was neuro-typical, passed away more than ten years ago. I could not wait to leave home and did so when I was seventeen. My brother, a professional on £60K+ a year has remained in my mother’s home and pays nothing, doesn’t pay council tax, doesn’t pay electricity, doesn’t buy groceries. I always suspected so but since having to help out with my mother’s affairs, I know this is all true.
A few years ago my brother met a woman, after some time they became engaged. Two weeks ago they got married. Last week they returned, to my mother’s home, despite my brother owning a home of his own. And here is the problem, my mother expects me to continue travelling back and forth to ferry her to the local supermarket to buy groceries for all three of them. Mum has difficulty with planning and organisation, so I end up having to write a shopping list for her. My brother is incredibly fussy and critical about food so I have to figure out meals that he might want to eat. If he has objected to whatever my mother was making for dinner that day, my mother would phone me in the full expectation that I will jump in my car, travel to the local supermarket to buy something else that he’d prefer more and drop it off at her house.
I live 30 minutes away from my mother. A journey to and from her house takes an hour at the very, very minimum. One day last year, on a Saturday, I was cooking a meal as my partner and I had a house guest. My mother phoned complaining that she had no food. I dropped what I was doing, went to the local butcher and the supermarket. When I arrived at her house, my brother’s fiancée was washing the dishes after lunch, and my brother was relaxing in a recliner in the living room.
I am not in employment, my partner supports me. For a while my mother gave me petrol money to cover running back and forth to the supermarket for her until my brother objected to this and accused me of taking money from my mother which I shouldn’t have been. My partner was utterly incensed by this and from then on he has filled up my car with fuel every week.
Both my brother and his wife have a car each. My mother insists that she wants to continue to ‘feed them’. I’ve told her that if she wishes to do that, then she should arrange with my brother and his wife to take her to the local supermarket. This conversation escalated with my mother telling me that she didn’t like how my mind worked and she was disappointed in me. I lost the plot. Told her that she was obsessed with my brother. That she took care of her own needs and took care of my brother’s needs but didn’t give a toss about my needs. I asked her what was so special about my brother and his wife that I have to act as a slave to her relationship with them?
Am I a bad person for refusing to run after my brother for my mother? I am so conflicted. On the one hand I think this is ridiculous. On the other hand I think - ‘but she’s got dementia’. And then on the other hand I have a lifetime of experience of this kind of manipulation and devaluation.
Help!
My narcissistic mother now has a diagnosis of dementia. My brother has always been her Golden Child. Dad, who was neuro-typical, passed away more than ten years ago. I could not wait to leave home and did so when I was seventeen. My brother, a professional on £60K+ a year has remained in my mother’s home and pays nothing, doesn’t pay council tax, doesn’t pay electricity, doesn’t buy groceries. I always suspected so but since having to help out with my mother’s affairs, I know this is all true.
A few years ago my brother met a woman, after some time they became engaged. Two weeks ago they got married. Last week they returned, to my mother’s home, despite my brother owning a home of his own. And here is the problem, my mother expects me to continue travelling back and forth to ferry her to the local supermarket to buy groceries for all three of them. Mum has difficulty with planning and organisation, so I end up having to write a shopping list for her. My brother is incredibly fussy and critical about food so I have to figure out meals that he might want to eat. If he has objected to whatever my mother was making for dinner that day, my mother would phone me in the full expectation that I will jump in my car, travel to the local supermarket to buy something else that he’d prefer more and drop it off at her house.
I live 30 minutes away from my mother. A journey to and from her house takes an hour at the very, very minimum. One day last year, on a Saturday, I was cooking a meal as my partner and I had a house guest. My mother phoned complaining that she had no food. I dropped what I was doing, went to the local butcher and the supermarket. When I arrived at her house, my brother’s fiancée was washing the dishes after lunch, and my brother was relaxing in a recliner in the living room.
I am not in employment, my partner supports me. For a while my mother gave me petrol money to cover running back and forth to the supermarket for her until my brother objected to this and accused me of taking money from my mother which I shouldn’t have been. My partner was utterly incensed by this and from then on he has filled up my car with fuel every week.
Both my brother and his wife have a car each. My mother insists that she wants to continue to ‘feed them’. I’ve told her that if she wishes to do that, then she should arrange with my brother and his wife to take her to the local supermarket. This conversation escalated with my mother telling me that she didn’t like how my mind worked and she was disappointed in me. I lost the plot. Told her that she was obsessed with my brother. That she took care of her own needs and took care of my brother’s needs but didn’t give a toss about my needs. I asked her what was so special about my brother and his wife that I have to act as a slave to her relationship with them?
Am I a bad person for refusing to run after my brother for my mother? I am so conflicted. On the one hand I think this is ridiculous. On the other hand I think - ‘but she’s got dementia’. And then on the other hand I have a lifetime of experience of this kind of manipulation and devaluation.
Help!
