Am I so terrible

[Mustrum]

My wife has been suffering from Alzheimers for eight years now. For the final three years that she was at home I was caring for her twentyfour/seven and doing everything, without help, right down to her personal hygeine. In December last year she went into a care home and suddenly I had nothing to do. Christmas, which should have been good as the pressure was off, was awful.
I have friends - some in a motorcycle club that I belong to and others in an all male Church organisation but this means that all of my company is male and I do so miss female conversation, someone to take to a restaurant or the theatre - I'm sure you all get the picture.
Is it so wrong of me? I know that my wife is still here in body but she doesn't really know me anymore and I can only think of myself as seperated. I've made an effort to meet someone for company but as soon as my circumstances are known the curtain comes down but I won't hide the truth from anyone - that would be unfair.
I have a very young outlook on life. I love my motorbike, the theatre, eating out, touring the countryside, walking on the beach, in fact all of the things that make life worth living and I still have a lot of living to do!
There must be people on this site who have experienced the same feelings and I'm open to comments of all sorts from anyone who feels able.

 

[meme]

I think you are brave to get yourself "out there". I do think honesty is obviously crucial however on first meetings there is no requirement to tell your personal circumstances re your wife...then if nothing comes of it you have not laid your self open , but if you meet someone a few times and there may be a future friend or partner then is the time to tell "a little more" about yourself.

 

[angelface]

Have you tried U3A? Lots of single people there for you to be friends with.

Gxx

 

[nerak]

How sad and yes I agree with meme! lifes too short and I think what you did for your wife all those years is amazing what a great husband you are!

I think your wife would want you to be happy but why tell people about your wife wait until its someone special that you feel you have to tell.

We are ALL human we need company noone wants to be lonely you will meet someone who understands then you could open up more.

You deserve a little happiness I met an old lady recently she was 90 I asked her had she any regrets about her life SHE SAID I WISH ID EATEN MORE ICECREAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[Peace and Truth]

No you are not terrible, in fact if you read my earlier post today (I'm so lonely) you will see that we are in the same position. We are in fact widowed but without the finality of a deceased spouse. I will always love the husband that I had, but he is not there any more. Like you I would love to have someone around that I could go to the theatre with, or shows or a meal etc. but in our situation we will always be viewed with suspicion, or judgement.

If only there was a way to safely be in touch with people locally with similar thoughts.

 

[Shash7677]

Hi and welcome.

I know a lady and her husband has picks disease, he is in a secure home and she has started a relationship with another gentleman, I know you're not asking for a relationship so it is slightly different but there are others in a similar position who feel the same.

I must say though, my mum is in a NH and my dad visits every day. If he came home one day and said to me he was off out with other people having dinner etc it would upset me greatly. I know he deserves to have a life as do you but I would feel let down and hurt. My mum, his wife is still here, she may not be here in mind but she is still his wife. He would never have dreamt of doing such a thing whilst she was living in the same house as him so I'd fail to see why he would need to now.

Sorry I know it's a completely different opinion and that's purely what it is, my opinion. You mustn't feel bad or guilty for want to continue your life but if you have children I would also be speaking to them about it. Not because you need their permission but it may come as a shock to them.

Sharon

 

[glennie]

I am sure there are Friendship Groups in your area.. Get on the computer and I am sure something will come up. You have been a wonderful hubby by the sound of it (my hubby has Alzhiemers) and can imagine the terrible trials and tribulations you have gone thru. Mine has only been bad this two years and I feel tired and weary. You have truly earned the right to make a life for yourself and get some contentment.
Wishing you all the best..glennie

 

[nerak]

Someone should start a freindship group locally for people in your situation thats what I would do there must be so many in same boat! Also it would take your mind off everything else! since ive known my mum has this I was very shocked at how many people have this!

 

[gringo]

To say that one’s spouse, having dementia, effectively is no longer here isn’t necessarily true. Really we just do not know what perceptions a person with AD. has. I Look at my wife, apparently lost in her world, and I see someone who needs me even more now than she did before. I stand the best chance of understanding her and interpreting her needs to those around her. Sixty odd years together aren’t easily put aside. After so many years it’s hard to draw a line between us, AD. notwithstanding. Of course I often feel very lonely, but then I try and think how she must feel, locked into her dementia bubble.
I understand that others, for their own reasons are unable see things in this light, and I wouldn’t dream of judging them in any way. Reading these posts just makes me feel very sad, but also, I feel I have been blessed, and I felt the need to give another point of view.

 

[Miss Merlot]

Without wanting to sound flippant ,this reminds me of the Paul and Eileen storyline in Corrie - if you feel it's right for you, I don't see anything wrong with pursuing other friendships of this nature, providing you are honest with the person in question and are still on hand to visit your wife and ensure she is getting the best of care available... I add my voice to those who say not to mention it to your wife - no good would or could come from doing that. Just keep doing your best for you, her and any other parties according to your own conscience, and you will be doing the right thing...

 

[Mustrum]

Am I so awful

Wow- what a lot of lovely people you are and what diverse views.
Firstly I'd like to say to Shash7677 that I perfectly understand her point of view but perhaps I'm fortunate in that my children take a broader view. My daughter suggested that I go on an internet dating site and my son told me that he would accept whatever I decided. They both, however, had discussed my situation together and had come to the conclusion that, given the circumstances, their mom would have approved.

To Gringo I would like to say that I fully understand your feelings too. I have visited my wife every day since she went into her care home and she always greets me with a smile and a laugh, but that's all. After that she's gone again and that doesn't fill the need for female company. I would add that I shall continue to visit her every day regardless of her reaction but inwardly I know that she has totally gone from me.

If anyone wishes please keep the comments coming regardsless of whether you approve or not. I find that comments and suggestions from people who have similar experiences are quite comforting.

 

[2jays]

No real opinion on your situation. All I will say is what does your gut feeling tell you.

 

[garnuft]

Would you divorce your wife?

If not, then to me you shouldn't seek approval you should do what you want and let your conscience be your judge.

You can't have your cake and eat it.

 

[rajahh]

My brother began a friendship with another woman after his wife went into a care home.

They met at the Alzheimers group in their home town. The lady was a widow.

They felt the need to keep everything quiet while my sister inlaw was alive which I found sad. I felt if they were enjoying eachothers company they should be able to do it openly.

My sister in law eventually died and now the lady has been introduced to the family, and vice versa.

I know how much I miss male company, and whereas I did not encourage my brother to go out looking, when he admitted he had met someone I was absolutely pleased for him. I did understand.

My husband is still at home and I am still caring for him .
I am in a slightly more fortunate position as I live in a retirement complex so at the weekly coffee morning I always go and sit at the mens table.

It does raise a few eyebrows, but it does not bother me at all.

I have been out to lunch with two of the men, when my husband is at the Day Centre and I know that is frowned on by many of my neighbours.

Why are women restricted to having female friends and males restricted to having male friends ??

Jeannette

 

[garnuft]

I don't think anyone is restricted but if it's approval one seeks, that may be harder to find.

I have always preferred the company of men to women but now at 52(hot sweats and teenage angst, life's troubles building up) it's platonic.... from the neck up....

Still, I wouldn't like my Peter to be out and about having lunch with women because he 'needs' female company....

And as my Mam says about Dad ' I wouldn't have another man if his a*se was decked with diamonds' ...
my interpretation of that is no-one else could fill his shoes.

 

[Jessbow]

There should be nothing stopping anyone having friends of the opposite gender. Friendship is just that. Someone to talk to, to socialise with.
why not?

Sad old world if we cant have friends of both sexes without eyebrows being raised.

 

[Mustrum]

I'm not seeking approval Garnuft, just opinion - totally different. Of course I wouldn't divorce my wife, I'm seeking company not a repacement.

 

[garnuft]

Opinion asked for, opinion given

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[Shash7677]

Mustrum,

I'm glad you have spoken to your children and they can see your viewpoint and encourage that.

I would never ever tell anyone they were wrong in what they were thinking or doing, you and only you know how you feel. At 35 nearly 36 I can safely sit here and say that, heaven forbid something should happen to my hubby tomorrow I can't ever see me with anyone else, but, I have an 8, 6 and 2 year old to run after and keep me busy. It's very different when you are in your own company a lot especially when the nights draw in.

I've encouraged my dad to get a dog, not a puppy as he is 70 next year, but a slightly older dog for companionship. I'm a big believer that in sickness and in health means just that. As you say though, it's company you want not a relationship. Personally I feel that keeping from another that you have a wife with AD wouldn't be the way to go, but there are many people with more experience of this particular situation who argue a very good case for it not to be mentioned.

You must do what is right for you, the world would be a pretty boring place should we all think the same way.

Take Care
Sharon

 

[Louisek100]

Hi

I don't think you are terrible at all , I understand
completely how you feel.
I am in a similar position (I was not looking for anyone but just happened to
meet an old schoolfriend)my children who are 31 &34
are very happy that I have a companion, they have met him
,get on very well with him and are very supportive.
My grandchildren like him too and we take them out and have fun.
Having said all that I visit many times a seek, sit for hours trying to get my husband to
have food and drink , we all visit and be receives all the love and care that he always has.
We are all incredibly sad that this has happened and have experienced
a great deal of heartache

. I think you still deserve to be happy and enjoy life , if that means you enjoy the company of the opposite sex then that is fine.

if you did want approval I don't think it's hard to find at all . I don't have one friend or family member who hasn't wished me well and said that I deserve happiness , I know many people in the same position , I think it's just that some people worry at the comments of others . Do what is right for you and good luck to you.