Alzheimer's is a nuisance - putting it politely!!

[Reds]

Hi

My daughter has decided not to let her dad drive her anymore. He has often given her lifts and this has given him an extra purpose in life that he enjoys. He has Alzheimer's so obviously we all feel a bit unsure about his driving us but the hospital go by the memory tests and also I know he is very safety conscious. He keeps to all the speed limits and mentions when he notices unsafe things such as other drivers going too fast or using mobile phones when they shouldn't etc. Ideally, my daughter and husband should have learnt to drive by now anyway though.

I defended my husband when my daughter gave us this news but I also wanted to help my daughter by saying the right things. I end up in the middle and I do feel so annoyed by the whole situation. She has a baby so I know I would have felt just the same as her when I was her age and with a baby. Sometimes I don't know how I cope with my own emotions due to this awful disease my husband has and what it does to our lives. I think he drives as safely as anyone at the moment but better with familiar journeys so that's all he does now and I wish she would give the situation a while longer but then I would feel awful if something did happen but everyone makes mistakes and has accidents. However, I know if my husband had an accident we would think 'Alzheimer's' straightaway even if it could have been someone else's fault. My daughter pointed out that I had said my husband clipped our garden wall which is very low and hasn't always been there but a workman we had recently who is younger than my husband also knocked a big chunk off it recently. We said that's ok but no one would think that if my husband had done it!!

I really don't blame my daughter but I do think why now, when he has had Alzhemer's for a while now and there is no change yet. He drove me about 5 miles today and he was fine and he drove me last week to the same place as she lives and he was fine. I know it only takes one accident but there are far worse drivers than my husband who I would say definitely shouldn't be on the road, ones that don't seem to care what others think but my husband does. This will look just like I am being protective but I will be the first one to say if I think his driving should stop but I also think our judgement has to be sensible about another human being, such as if he went a little close to a kerb, I think well I have done that too!

Reds

 

[SnowLeopard17]

Dear Reds,

I can understand that this is very difficult for all of you. There are numerous threads regarding the legal aspects of a diagnosis of Alzheimers and driving, so I wont go into these. I do know however that this is a very emotive area and we went through the whole gamut of emotions with it.

Obviously you must be guided by the Consultant but you will be the closest to your husband and be aware of his driving capability/safety at present. I know there came a time when I felt uncomfortable being in the car with my husband driving. In our case this coincided with diagnosis when the consultant advised my husband not to drive until he had had an assessment. Whilst my husband was extremely unhappy with this, we were fortunate, he complied with what the Consultant had said and didn't get behind the wheel again - he subsequently failed the assessment.

There is no reason why your husband shouldn't continue drive if he is safe and every individual is different. Many Alzheimer sufferers are able to drive safely years after diagnosis. Would your daughter feel more comfortable if your husband had an assessment? Would your husband agree to have an assessment to put her mind at rest? Would she be able to speak to his Consultant and get his/her opinion?

Its difficult - your daughter is obviously of an age where she can make her own decisions even if this conflicts with your own thoughts. You can only do what you are doing - talking about it.

I know there are no easy answers. The impact this disease has on the family is not to be underestimated, especially where the sufferer is so young and I am there with you.

I wish you and you family all the very best.

SnowLeopard, with love x

 

[rajahh]

I see you live in Hertfordshire. There is a centre in Hertfordshire where you can take a driving assessment. It is mainly for disabled people to see if any adaptions are needed to their cars but it is used for people with dementia too.

Why don't you suggest this to your husband and then when he passes ( as well he might) your daughter might feel better about it.

It was offered to my husband but he refused to go, and eventually he handed back his licence.

Jeannette

 

[zeeeb]

I am on your daughters side of the equation.

My mum has alzheimers, she still drives safely enough for herself to get to the shops or post office, but she performs terribly under pressure. I know she wouldn't cope in a "situation" if it arose. But I have 2 small children. I don't want her driving my children in the car just because I don't want to make her feel bad and stand my ground. I'm not sure when she will have a turn and get lost or have a panic attack, and I don't feel comfortable that my children should have to witness it.

It's hard, I hate to be another one that "kicks her in the guts" so to speak, but I also have to look after my childrens welfare. Mum still feels capable to babysit, but she's clearly not able to. It's hard from both points of view, but as a mum, my instincts scream at me "no no no". So, for now, I have to follow my mother instincts over my daughter obligations on this issue.

 

[Izzy]

As already noted there is a lot of dicussion on here about driving and dementia. It is indeed emotive but it is also very serious. There is a legal requirement to inform the DVLA when a person has a diagnosis of dementia. It doesn't 't mean they will automatically have to stop driving but they will have to have a driving assessment. Here us the society's fact sheet on this:

http://www.alzheimers.org.uk/site/scripts/download.php?fileID=1780

 

[Forestridge]

Really difficult situation. Your daughter has a baby though and i'd guess is feeling highly protective right now so I think you need to think back to how you would have felt when she was little.

My Dad doesn't have Dementia but is in my opinion a pretty awful driver and to be honest I wouldn't want my children in the car with him even though he hasn't hit anything. Some kind of protective instinct kicks in at the thought. We do our own risk assessment in these situations and I guess him clipping the wall was a sign to her that she no longer wanted to take the risk. Yes others clip it too but she's just concerned with her Dad and his driving,

Actually thinking about it I wouldn't let them go in a car with FIL who has just passed a test in Spain and miraculously been granted another year's licence. This is the man who hit the column in the carpark of his flats so often the asked him to park up on th road. Nothing would induce me to get in a car with him despite him having passed his test.

I understand the range of emotions you must feel with this but I think ultimately you need to respect your daughter's decision however sad it makes you feel.

 

[Reds]

Thanks for all your messages. Interesting too.

We did tell the DVLA immediately when my husband was diagnosed. He has an annual licence now and it is reviewed each year. We had told them many years ago that my husband had had a heart attack too, luckily 14 years on he hasn't had any heart problems again.

My husband does feel disappointed with my daughter's decision but he does accept it and also there is no choice but to.

We wondered why my daughter, her husband and baby walked late one evening to the train station to catch a train after we had been somewhere. My husband was most concerned and kept saying to me why hadn't they asked for a lift. I didn't know the reason, I thought it was just for a change or because they had been to a shop or something. I do wish my daughter had told us her decision before it took place. It would have felt much kinder/better. We learnt about her decision by text and it came across as being a bit harsh.

I expect we will get over it and at least will be a help. As in the past although we certainly don't mind helping with lifts from time to time I had felt we were relied upon a lot even though we understood the circumstances. Only once or twice I mentioned how expensive petrol is in conversations and my daughter put in her text that I was always on about petrol anyway. Comments like that hurt especially as she had numerous lifts and me and my husband have had no support generally. I learnt to drive as soon as I became the age to, my daughter is in her thirties and can't and her husband too. I wanted to be independent as soon as I could and when my father was alive he just didn't and wouldn't the majority of time take me and his family anywhere.

I end up in the middle of my husband and daughter and things I stand up for, for my husband and I feel a little bit put out by my daughter's decision. My husband will probably say nothing when he sees her. I know her decision is sensible and I would be the same if I was her so I think it must be just the way it has come about, what we have got used to and another big reminder of the impact of Alzheimer's.

Think its good driving assessments exist but I know my husband is nervous of tests and it would be such a pity if he lost his license just because of nerves at this stage of his life. I know it would be awful for him. He is very nervous of having the memory tests even though I say they are there to help him. Otherwise he is not a nervous person generally. I am too very nervous about tests, for example I feel ill before an interview. He only does fairly short familiar journeys now as I feel that is a start to being safer and more sensible. My daughter lives 10 mins away but I know that her decision is very sensible. I worry obviously if my husband drives me but I'm a general worrier and I am hoping I will just know when it is time for my husband to stop driving or there would be no need for him to anyway.

Thanks again, Reds

 

[Redpoppy]

I'm sure your daughter doesn't want to upset you or your husband with the decision of not going in the car,but I can understand her worries. If she now accepted lifts and her husband disagreed that would cause trouble between them. There are risks involved and the children to to think about. I told my Grandaughter who has 2little girls not to go in the car with my husband who has VD although most of the time he drove well,but there were times he would get slightly confused in an unfamiliar situation.Never worth the risk! I am pleased we were able to help him make his own decision to stop driving after a mild stroke,and told him it was sensible because he is now on medication which MAY?? affect his judgement.