My husband has been diagnosed with dementia. It is in the early stages and he is on Donepezil and Mermantine. I am having great difficulty coming to terms with his condition. Most of the time he is perfectly ok, he can socialise and be very pleasant. However in private, he increasingly blames me for everything that goes wrong, when I try to help he doesn’t want it, if I just stand by and do nothing, I am useless and uncaring! The “blame” rages are ongoing and he is becoming increasingly aggressive with me. He says it is all my fault, I am uncaring and stressed out. I agree, I am stressed out, and I must admit I do “snap” back from time to time! I am beginning to wonder if some of the problem is with me! (However I do feel like I am being “gas lighted” sometimes!). It is hard to be objective when your self esteem is being eroded, constantly being told you’re useless and called awful names! Reasoning with him does no good as he is convinced (most of the time) that I am useless to him and making his dementia worse! Sorry to rant on, but I needed to get it off my chest and it helps knowing that people using this group are in the same position as me and will understand!
All at sea!
- Thread starter Waiter
- Start date
Hi @Waiter and welcome to Dementia Support Forum our friendly and helpful community. What you describe is quite common I'm afraid. People with dementia often blame those closest to them for things 'going wrong', even when the accusations make no sense. It is part of the pattern of disease and not something done deliberately. Rational thought has been eroded or lost so reasoning or explaining will make no difference.
Some people have found that practising 'compassionate communication' can help. See the link below but be aware that it is an ideal that can be difficult to live up to.
forum.alzheimers.org.uk
Some people have found that practising 'compassionate communication' can help. See the link below but be aware that it is an ideal that can be difficult to live up to.
Compassionate Communication with the Memory Impaired
The following piece was posted a while ago on DSF and made a big impression on me. It is something I have referred to time after time and tried hard to follow. We have many new members who may not have seen it before. Yesterday I posted it on another Thread but thought it might be helpful if...
forum.alzheimers.org.uk
It is the disease. Very easily stated because its a fact, but managing that disease in a loved one is the challenge and its a very demanding challenge. Prior to a real understanding of the nature of dementia it is more or less an instinctive response that one applies to temper or aggression or perhaps plain unpleasantness and inconsiderate behaviour. What really takes place inside the compromised brain remains a mystery despite enormous advancement in research. Therefore it rests with us, as Carer, to associate with these presentations in an impartial way. Not easy. I recall very dark moments of paranoia and vitriol from my late mother. Times when everything one did to help alleviate discomfort or anxiety was answered by blatant indifference or even physical antagonism. This from someone who throughout her life, was generous, considerate and thoughtful and as a mother, profoundly loving. If you treat dementia as a kind of unwanted intruder separate from the one it inhabits, then those moments when you need to scream to the high heavens are reserved for the disease and not the innocent soul it has claimed. Of course that doesn't make it any easier overall because you are having to curb temper or any signs of displeasure which can be picked up very easily by a loved one. I found that l would ignore all the antagonistic comments or inconsiderate retorts and strive to make the ambience in the house conducive to a sense of calm. Again, not easy.
Alzheimer's along with many other dementias presents in a mild way initially, just seems to revolve around forgetfulness and a disoriented persona becoming frustrated with losing or misplacing things, losing a sense of time etc. But when actual behaviour transforms into something alien to what that individual was, things become harder to resolve or actually address.
I don't feel that one can ever put any gloss on the role of Carer in respect of dementia in a loved one. Better to tell it as it is and be part of the community which is experiencing the nature of this disease every hour of every day. To watch someone whom you have known intimately gradually change in character, then become like a stranger in your midst, is perhaps the most seriously challenging predicament in one's life. Our humanity makes us vulnerable to all the pain and anguish which evolves out of the role of Caring. There was a time however when there was little access to mutual understanding and empathy which prevails on this platform. I think of Homes with elderly ladies sitting in a row in badly fitting nighties, all in a strangely lethargic state as a result of medication. I was a young man with no knowledge whatsoever of 'senile dementia' when l visited various Care Homes. Thank heavens things have improved. And folk can interact on here with that mutual accord borne out of actually living with dementia in a loved one rather than imagining what it must be like? There is comfort in that because you are NOT alone.
Rant on, Waiter! Yes, we understand.
Your comment about gaslighting really hit home with me. I feel like I am living in two different worlds: my own life and my husband's reality. Trying to get anything done when he is around is impossible. He tells me it's wrong and how to do it, but in reality his way is inefficient or just down-right scientifically impossible.
Of course he forgets the raging and shouting when I won't do it his way or he finds something I've done on the sly. And he never does this in front of others, so everyone thinks I am exaggerating.
Fortunately (or unfortunately) he was diagnosed last week with Alzheimers. Suddenly his family and friends are all full of sympathy for him and his troubles. (sigh)
It is what it is and I am doing a damn fine job considering the circumstances, and you are too. Try to keep that in mind and hopefully you will have small glimmers of satisfaction for a job well done at a Sisyphean task.
<<<<<<<hugs>>>>>>>
Your comment about gaslighting really hit home with me. I feel like I am living in two different worlds: my own life and my husband's reality. Trying to get anything done when he is around is impossible. He tells me it's wrong and how to do it, but in reality his way is inefficient or just down-right scientifically impossible.
Of course he forgets the raging and shouting when I won't do it his way or he finds something I've done on the sly. And he never does this in front of others, so everyone thinks I am exaggerating.
Fortunately (or unfortunately) he was diagnosed last week with Alzheimers. Suddenly his family and friends are all full of sympathy for him and his troubles. (sigh)
It is what it is and I am doing a damn fine job considering the circumstances, and you are too. Try to keep that in mind and hopefully you will have small glimmers of satisfaction for a job well done at a Sisyphean task.
<<<<<<<hugs>>>>>>>
