Advice re: how to help someone settle down in a care home

[Helen-D]

My husband has had Alzheimer's for just over 3 years. He has deteriorated a lot this year, with some awful long-lasting meltdowns, accompanied by strong feelings of wanting to commit suicide. He had to be sectioned (section 2) at one stage and has now been in a care home for three weeks.
I had a severe carer breakdown and I'm slowly recovering.

He is so desperate to come home, as well as being bored and frustrated at his loss of liberty. The conversations keep going round and round in circles and he gets very upset.
I’ve been trying to keep things in the ‘present’ by saying that I’m still unwell and I can’t look after him as well (which is perfectly true, although I am improving).
I also say that we just need to take things one day at a time.

He’s also said why can’t he just come home for a w/e. I don't think it would be sensible for him to come home, even for a w/e because if he had another bad meltdown, we would go round the loop again of waiting 7 hours for an ambulance to take him to A&E and then possibly being sectioned again. Even with no meltdown he wouldn't want to go back to the care home again.

Does anyone have any advice on how to converse with someone who is so desperate to come home?

I’m also wondering whether the doctor would be willing to put him on a stronger medication but from what I’ve heard that would probably next be an anti-psychotic drug (not something they would do lightly). He’s already on Rivastigmine & Memantine.

Any advice/tips would be extremely helpful.
Friends tell me not to feel guilty but I find this situation heartbreaking for both of us.

Thanks
Helen

 

[Grannie G]

Hello @Helen-D

Blame it on the doctor. It is out of your hands now.

You`ve had a discussion with the doctor and your husband needs to build his health and strength before he can come home.
It`s not pleasant I know but it`s a means to an end which is to help keep your husband calm.

I agree to no weekend visiting. It could do more harm than good.

 

[Sarasa]

Hi @Helen-D , I agree with @Grannie G , firmly put the blame on the doctor and just keep putting things off.
Have you spoken to the carers and the home's manager about how he is when you're not there? He may be settling in well and enjoying himself but seeing you sets him off on wanting to come home.

 

[Kristo]

I’m sorry that you’ve been through such a tough time. Well done for taking action and helping yourself to recover whilst making sure that he is safe and looked-after. It’s so important not to allow the dementia monster to destroy two lives and I’m sure that these recent months have been so hard for both of you.

“The nurses need to look after you because I can’t, the doctor said so.” That’s the line that we use. Then distraction with music or old photos.

Dementia patients really pick up on emotions, so when you do visit you may need to really psyche yourself up to give an Oscar/winning performance as a cheerful and relaxed visitor. It’s exhausting, I certainly know from experience.

Do you visit mornings or afternoons? We go just before lunch, as Dad is less likely to be sundowning and stressed, then we slip out while lunch is being served.

Have you discussed with the staff about how he is when you’re not there? He may be likely to save all his complaints for you, that’s quite normal (albeit frustrating, upsetting, exhausting etc!) Good luck x

 

[Helen-D]

Thank you so much for all your replies - that really helps.