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Advice please

alypaly

Registered User
Nov 7, 2014
9
My partner and I moved in to take care of my mother who has dementia 4 years ago. We left our home and friends and moved 100s of miles away to do this because she refused to move in with us and it was getting to the stage where she obviously, to us anyway, couldn’t take care of herself. In the intervening period her dementia has progressed and she is now reliant on us for everything. She goes to day care 3 times a week but apart from that is with me constantly following me everywhere. On the whole we all get on quite well and apart from the frustrations of dementia live together quite happily. However she still thinks that she does everything for herself, cooking, cleaning, washing, gardening, shopping and tells everyone that we are just visiting for a few days.
I have now had the opportunity to do a job that I have always wanted to do but it is 200 miles away and will mean us moving. I don’t want to give up this opportunity as at my age I still have a lot of life to live and enjoy. I know that my mother will refuse to come with us saying that she manages fine on her own. I also know that social services have said that they could not support her living on her own. I take that to mean that they will insist she goes into a care home but am not sure how that would be achieved – would they section her or just wait for a crisis? She doesn’t understand that by refusing to move with us that she will end up in a care home which is something she is vehemently against and would not be necessary if she moved with us.
I don’t know how to approach this. I thought about taking her to see some CH or just leaving her in her house to see what happens. I don’t want to do that as she gets very distressed when we go out even for a couple of hours so goodness knows how upset she would be if we weren’t there at all. Added to all that even if she did agree to come with us she wouldn’t remember doing so and we would have the whole scenario to deal with again. I need some ideas about how to deal with this situation.
 

lizzybean

Registered User
Feb 3, 2014
1,366
Lancashire
Does she have many friends where you are now? Would she lose a lot by moving with you? Would she recognised that you had moved? Can you be frank & tell her if you don't come with us SS will have to put you in a CH? Would she realise how much the move would mean to you?

As you can see no help but just possible considerations, also bumping you up as I nearly missed this.
 

marionq

Registered User
Apr 24, 2013
6,032
Scotland
This is to me a black and white issue. You want this job which in the long run will be important for your life. Your Mum can come with you but won't. If she stays she will be in a care home. She may go there against her wishes but like it - plenty of posts on here about just such a scenario. You tell her clearly over and over again what is to happen then make it happen - both the job and the care home choice.

It will not be easy but there is no way out and this could be a positive move for all. Good luck.
 

Cathy*

Registered User
Jan 4, 2015
42
Warwickshire
If your mum was of sound mind she wouldn't want you to give up the opportunity of a dream job to stay where you are to look after her, just as if you had a daughter you wouldn't want to stand in her way, so I think you have to take the job. But you don't want to end up with your mum in a home 200 miles from where you live. I think you need to look for a home that will suit all of you on the assumption that at some time she will be with you, with a contingency plan of finding a care home near to your new location. This sounds quite daunting so I think you need to split it down into manageable parts. If you accept the job how soon do you have to move?
 

love.dad.but..

Registered User
Jan 16, 2014
4,481
Kent
If your mum had clarity she would not want you to sacrifice your hopes and dreams because of her dementia she cannot apply logic or reason to the what/ if scenario and the illness often makes them very self centred not a deliberate thing they cannot help it but it sounds as though left on her own she would soon go into crisis and decision and choice would be taken out of all of your hands. Sadly her dementia will only decline....don't have regrets by choosing the sensible logical path....take the job. It will be very hard my dad took a few months to start to settle in a care home we couldn't tell him he was going/staying he would have refused we had lots of tears even now i can't tell him i am going after each visit but in the end it was in his best interest and like you do for your child sometimes we have to make these hard decisions.Those of us who have exhausted all options and looking after loved one in their home never want to take the care home step but it means they are safe and looked after whilst life for you can carry on and get back to some sort of normality.
If your mum has been assessed by SS I am surprised they would not in the first instance try care visits to help your mum to see if she would accept or get used to unless she would be self funding....care visits a lot cheaper than SS/LA funding a care home place. Would home visits be enough would you be happy to monitor from so far away....if not moving her or care home are the only options you have. Good luck it isn't easy.
 
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Kevinl

Registered User
Aug 24, 2013
4,771
Salford
Does she have many friends where you are now? Would she lose a lot by moving with you? Would she recognised that you had moved? Can you be frank & tell her if you don't come with us SS will have to put you in a CH? Would she realise how much the move would mean to you?

As you can see no help but just possible considerations, also bumping you up as I nearly missed this.
I'm with Liz, come with or care home, you have a life too.
K
 

alypaly

Registered User
Nov 7, 2014
9
Thank you everyone for your advice. I just feel so sad that she will have to go into a care home when she doesn't have to as she still loves to potter around her garden picking twigs up and washing the sink out for hours on end. I also worry about her being such a long way away. The SS have said that they think even the max. 4 visits a day would not be enough and I agree. Although she goes to day care she is so tired and unsettled when she comes home she would be doubly anxious if there was no-one in the house. I don't think it would be very long before there was a crisis or the neighbours complained about loads of visits to them at all hours of the day and night.

I wondered if it would work if I tell her we are all going on a holiday to see if she settles in a new place with us and then keep putting off taking her home.
 

Pottingshed50

Registered User
Apr 8, 2012
514
It is very difficult to place a loved one into care but in our case, although it has taken me about 3 years to agree with everyone it is for the best. My Mum used to do all manner of things when she lived alone in her house. At one time the poor old postee would not come into the Cul de sac where she lived for fear of being chased up the road being accused of not delivery a parcel (what parcel we shall never know) to her. She would obviously drop off to sleep in the chair and wake up when it was going dusk and think it was morning. She often rang the police reporting her Mum and Dad were missing (she was 87 at the time). She would tell everyone that she had made a load of jam out of the strawberrys, the cooker was turned off because she was a danger to herself, so how she made all of this jam was a mystery. It is all part of this awful long drawn out illness. it seems to come and go in stages. We are now at the stage (Mum is 95 and in residential care) will not allow anyone to touch her , wants to sleep all day and all night. She also does not know anyone or know where she is. Very sad.

In your circumstances you have to think that if your Mum was as she used to be she would only want what is best for you and your partner. Your Mum will benefit greatly from all of the activities at the Home , plus you will have peace of mind that she will get medical help 24/7, be safe from these scoundels who knock on old peoples door and then scam them out of their money. She will be well fed and clean. The one thing that I am grateful for above all else is - the safety, they are safe.

A very hard decision but I am sure you will make the right one. Remember you have only one life , make the most of it, before long you too will be too old to do all the things you can do now. Life is for living.
 

jaymor

Volunteer Moderator
Jul 14, 2006
12,772
England
Thank you everyone for your advice. I just feel so sad that she will have to go into a care home when she doesn't have to as she still loves to potter around her garden picking twigs up and washing the sink out for hours on end. I also worry about her being such a long way away. The SS have said that they think even the max. 4 visits a day would not be enough and I agree. Although she goes to day care she is so tired and unsettled when she comes home she would be doubly anxious if there was no-one in the house. I don't think it would be very long before there was a crisis or the neighbours complained about loads of visits to them at all hours of the day and night.

I wondered if it would work if I tell her we are all going on a holiday to see if she settles in a new place with us and then keep putting off taking her home.

Your Mum's pottering around could still be possible within a care home. My husband's nursing home are happy for the residents to help in the garden and do other small jobs. My husband would either wash or wipe the tea cups and loved to wipe the work tops and tables over, he always had a damp cloth in his pocket:) He would go to the laundry and help push the trolley back. He then carried the basket into each room for the carer and returned the trolley back to the laundry with the carer.

There was never a problem with any of the 9 men doing something. Sadly all of them are now incapable of doing anything but that is because of progression of the disease.
 

Solihull

Registered User
Oct 2, 2014
97
West Midlands
The care home choice is not the end of the world and please don't make it sound like a threat. In my experience it is the only positive move for all concerned and you cannot expect to explain all the other options as she will not remember. My mum was happy to potter for hours on her own but did not eat, drink, wash etc and unfortunately things do not improve and you have a life to live. Mum is now happy in a care home with company and can sit & snooze if she wants or have a chat with others, watch TV or go to her room & potter. Mainly, she is SAFE.
Sue