Advice needed please

Hellebore88

New member
Dec 31, 2023
6
0
Good morning, looking some advice as i am completely lost and confused about my mum. Apologies for the long post.

My mum has recently moved into her house in my garden that she paid to renovate so she lives around 10 foot steps from my backdoor. She lived with myself and partner for 2 years while she sold her house and got her new house renovated. She is my only family and i wanted her close as she got older. She has wanted her own place for sometime so we had all thought she would be very happy to get it. The past year had been very very bad with her moods. About 2 years ago for about 2 weeks she was extremely confused and didn’t know she had a brother. We went to gp, not much help and it got better by itself. On the move day it was chaos. There was lots of tears etc. thought it would take a few days to settle but it didn’t. She has been to gp and is now on antidepressants. Her memory has gotten so bad recently. In the mornings i get phone calls where she is totally disoriented. Other days i get phone calls before i wake with a list of demands that she wants to do. Doesn’t know how to put the heating on etc. she comes over to my house for dinner every night. Sometimes she tells me she doesn’t recognise me. She thinks there are multiple people in my house. She thinks my partner is my dad and we are all employed.
The first thing she does when she gets up in the morning is phone people. Anyone , doesn’t matter who. And doesn’t remember who. Yet there are days when none of this happens and she seems fine. I work full time as does my partner but we are lucky in that we can work from home a couple of days per week so we take turns so the place isn’t empty. I get multiple phone calls a day. If i don’t answer because i am in work She gets more and more distressed and angry. She phones other people to tell them i am a terrible daughter. Her friends have phoned me to tell me they are extremely worried about her behaviour.
I have seen messages on her phone telling people that i have kicked her out of the house and she is now homeless. I have taken all her money and she needs to go to a solicitor. She calls me the c word regularly. She has told me she would like to stab me. She threatens to set the house on fire. She doesn’t remember any of this. When i confront her she usually laughs and says it is a joke. I am accused of being a liar regularly. She loses her purse, her handbag, cash and debit cards daily. I get accused of taking them. She regularly confuses medication and has double dosed. I took the dog out with my partner the other day for 30 mins without telling her. I got 5 missed calls and voicemails. She was angry she wasn’t told. That is when she threatened to burn her house down. When confronted she tells me it was a joke. Yesterday i took the dog out fora run by myself, i told her i was going. I got bombarded with phone calls of her calling me a liar implying i had went with someone else. I need time to myself without harassment.
If i don’t answer my phone she turns up at my back door. We have put a gate up so the puppy she recently adopted then didn’t want so we adopted him, cant get out. She hates the gate and threatens to phone the police cause she can’t open it. It is easy to open. Before we had the gate she would drag herself up a very steep driveway to get to the front door to argue with me.
She likes to be the victim, she will go to a docs app in dirty clothes and no make up. But the next day she will have full make up on and look well.

Took her to the gp and she didn’t fail a memory test but has been referred to a memory clinic which can take up to a year?

One of her friends called me and said she needs to go into a care home but because she put money into renovating my property the council will come to me to pay her care home bills. Which is more stress.

I can’t determine if she is putting alot of this on or if it is genuine. She is putting so much stress on myself and partner. We both have have our own mental health problems. We barely see each other as she is so demanding. Had a massive argument with her last night and was prepared to wash my hands of her unless her behaviour changes. It is back to the same this morning. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks for reading.
 

Bettusboo

Registered User
Aug 30, 2020
183
0
I’m so sorry you are going through this and this sounds extremely stressful for all of you. It sounds like your mum needs a thorough mental health assessment, including consideration of dementia but maybe not that exclusively. I think you need to get back to the GP to ensure they understand the urgency of the situation. This can’t go on. Also, speak directly with the local authority and get some advice from the adult services team about what your options might be. It is worrying that she may be unable to manage her own medication safely and you might need more advice about that. From my experience with my mother, I would also suggest considering whether she may be suffering UTI infections which can lead to delerium. I have also learned that much as I wanted to take care of my parents, we reached a point where the impact on myself and my family was too much and a care home was the only option. It is worth discussing the financial implications for you further with someone with relevant expertise - maybe the local authority or similar. Good luck and this will pass, although it may not seem like it at the moment.
 

melli

Registered User
Dec 9, 2021
41
0
I am so sorry you are going through this, its so hard and upsetting and stressful.
My Mom was very similar in the early stages of dementia. particularly the phone calls, constant sometimes twenty a day, and up early calling stressing about what was happening that day. we sort of knew looking back with hindsight that when she moved to next stage she couldn't dial as much as she was more confused. we also found that an underlying infection, then a medical condition was causing the ups and downs of good to bad days. Its so hard to give advise as its so different for everybody - however I found the kind people on here very informative and helpful. don't feel you can't push back at GP as it could be something else that's causing this obviously very real change in her behaviour
 

Hellebore88

New member
Dec 31, 2023
6
0
Thank you so much for the replies! She has had full bloods done and they have all came back normal. I will follow up with the gp. It can be hard to get through to them due to data protection rubbish. I had thought a uti but i’m assuming the bloods would show this? Thanks
 

Bettusboo

Registered User
Aug 30, 2020
183
0
Thank you so much for the replies! She has had full bloods done and they have all came back normal. I will follow up with the gp. It can be hard to get through to them due to data protection rubbish. I had thought a uti but i’m assuming the bloods would show this? Thanks
No I don’t think they would. Need to get a urine sample - which may be tricky. You may need to go down the power of attorney route to get more actively involved with health discussions. Would need to prove that she lacks capacity though which is where you will need input from GP/ social services.
 

Violet Jane

Registered User
Aug 23, 2021
2,036
0
Many people with dementia ‘pass’ the basic dementia tests done in GP surgeries. Not all dementia starts with memory loss. In many cases, changes in personality are the earliest symptoms.

Infections often cause Delirium in older people which manifests in various ways including increased or new confusion, hallucinations, agitation and aggression and increased sleepiness. Once the infection has gone the Delirium should go but this can a while: weeks or perhaps months. It’s possible that your mother has had an infection which has gone (hence, it doesn’t show up in tests) but still has some Delirium. Sometimes the Delirium persists longterm (and the person needs medication) and sometimes a person with dementia does not return to his/her previous baseline. Delirium can also ‘unmask’ dementia i.e. the person starts to show symptoms of dementia when s/he did not appear to have cognitive problems before.
 

Hellebore88

New member
Dec 31, 2023
6
0
Many people with dementia ‘pass’ the basic dementia tests done in GP surgeries. Not all dementia starts with memory loss. In many cases, changes in personality are the earliest symptoms.

Infections often cause Delirium in older people which manifests in various ways including increased or new confusion, hallucinations, agitation and aggression and increased sleepiness. Once the infection has gone the Delirium should go but this can a while: weeks or perhaps months. It’s possible that your mother has had an infection which has gone (hence, it doesn’t show up in tests) but still has some Delirium. Sometimes the Delirium persists longterm (and the person needs medication) and sometimes a person with dementia does not return to his/her previous baseline. Delirium can also ‘unmask’ dementia i.e. the person starts to show symptoms of dementia when s/he did not appear to have cognitive problems before.
Thank you for the information. Very informative