Advice needed on carers not being able to do anything

[Keithf20]

Hello, looking for some guidance please.
My mother has had dementia for a couple of years now and my father has been the main care giver. My mother is 80 and my father is 78.
Last Saturday my father was taken to hospital with shortness of breath and was admitted with what we now know was a mild heart attack and he is remaining in hospital for an operation.
As a result of this hospital admission, it fell to my brother and I to look after my mother. We arranged for carers to come in twice a day, morning and evening to help her get washed and dressed. Unfortunately the carers make my mother very agitated and upset and she starts shouting at them and asking them to leave. The last two mornings, with a single carer on her own, my mother has refused all offers by the carer to get washed and dressed. Is there anything anyone can suggest to help the carers offer the personal care she needs without getting my mother worked up or angry.
I'm worried that if my mother continues to refuse help from the carers then they won't be there when my father comes out of hospital and really needs them.
Any advice welcome. Thank you in advance.

 

[Julia B]

Hi Keith, MiL refused to shower so we pay a carer to help her twice a week, hubby waits in her lounge whilst Sarah helps MiL, we said it was because we were worried she'd slip, and that Sarah just wants to be there to help, and that its her job and its for our peace of mind ( it was, but also because she's refuse to wash otherwise). Just be there if you can until it becomes routine, don't give your mum too much advance notice and let the carer handle resistance, they are trained to do so hope your dad feels better soon. Usher the carer in, and offer a treat as soon as its done ie a cup of tea, the papers, garden centre.. stress its for you, and thanks Mum etc etc...best of luck

 

[Keithf20]

Thanks Julia. We seem to have the same two carers on the night visit but my mother is getting more angry every night, she does calm down when they have finished though. Problem is the morning carer is on her own and not always the same person so it's making my mother more agitated with new carers and she gets quite upset even with one of us there. Frustrating when we are doing it for her benefit but she is resisting and getting upset on every visit now.

 

[Amy in the US]

Hi, Keith, and welcome to Talking Point. I am very sorry to hear about your situation. I hope everything goes well for your father; you must be very stressed by this.

The hospital need to know about the situation with your mother, and that she needs support and that your father is her main caregiver. Obviously he can't care for her while he is in hospital himself, and he may need rehab or rest or care himself, after his op.

I will have to leave it to the UK experts here to tell you how to get the help you need, but I would imagine the hospital have some sort of PALS team or social worker or other contact for you there, to get this process started.

I wish I had specific advice regarding the carers, but can only suggest you speak to someone at the agency and see if they have any suggestions. Are the carers specifically trained for dementia?

I understand your mother is undoubtedly upset by the change in circumstance, but could she be starting an infection (urinary tract or otherwise), or need a medication review? Or could she be needing an increased level of care, and is that something your dad will be able to provide when he comes home?

Sorry I cannot be of more help, but hope you will get some other ideas and suggestions. Best wishes to you and your family.

 

[fizzie]

Hi there
I think you need to talk to the agency and tell them that change in carers is really agitating mum and you need the same carer most days of the week.

We also had a private carer by recommendation which worked brilliantly and she became a family friend in the end ! Someone at the local carers cafe may have a recommendation or it is worth asking neighbours and friends

It is not fair on mum to have so many changes (but very common with agencies so work on the 'he who shouts loudest principle), hopefully you will be lucky and find a local person x