Advice needed. Dad becoming possessive over wife/main carer

[Psychstar88]

Long post sorry!

Good afternoon. I could do with some advice on my current situation.
My dad has mid stage alzheimers and my Mum is his main carer.
For 1 morning a week my mum has to go out to care for her elderly mother. During this time I go over and look after my Dad.
However Dad is not coping well with his wife being away from him. He thinks that he is being left on his own (even though I am here), that his wife is prioritising her Mum over him and that she is leaving him every day.

Normally I can distract him for the first few hours but then he will start repeating the same questions of where is my wife, when is she coming home. This will then lead to him saying nasty things about his wife. This will all come to a head when my Mum comes home and he will be verbally aggressive towards her and making her feel guilty for leaving him. He then doesn't understand or care when she starts crying.

Please could I get some help as to how I can avoid him being nasty to my Mum, to understand that he is not on his own, and that he should be kind to her. I'm concerned this is turning into an abusive relationship that my Mum won't be able to cope with.

Thankyou

 

[Collywobbles]

Unfortunately, dementia robs folks of their empathy, and they can only prioritise their own needs and wants. I’m really sorry, but there’s no way to logic this situation into an improvement. Bottom line is that you can’t stop your Dad being nasty to your Mum.

My Mum did pretty much what you describe when my Dad had to go for daily radiotherapy sessions, because she felt he ought to be prioritising her over his cancer treatment. He came home exhausted and in pain, to be faced by her fury and accusations. I went to sit with Mum while Dad was gone, but like you, distraction only went so far if she was having a bad day (which she usually was).

Is your Dad on any medication? Some of the meds prescribed for dementia can even out mood swings and lessen the peaks and troughs. Might be worth dropping your father’s GP surgery a letter, explaining the problem, and asking if they can proactively invite him in for a medication review.

 

[Psychstar88]

Thankyou for your reply. I thought his reactions were because of his dementia but I think i'm just finding it hard to see this new behaviour change. He is on medication for anxiety but I wouldn't say they are making much of a difference. I think we will be reviewing his medication in about a months time.

Its heartbreaking to see him being nasty to my Mum. She is also refusing to have a carers assessment done so there is no real support system in place. I think she doesn't feel the GP will help as they 'forgot' about Dad for 6 years after he was diagnosed so he never had his yearly checkups.

 

[northumbrian_k]

Hi @Psychstar88 and welcome to Dementia Support Forum. I am sorry to hear about your situation, which I'm afraid is quite common. What @Collywobbles has said about lack of empathy is exactly the case. Recognising this and knowing that it will not improve is perhaps the only way to deal with it. You may get some help from the GP and you'll find a lot of support and understanding here.

 

[canary]

It sounds to me as though your mum has become your dad's "comfort blanket ", @Psychstar88

His dementia is making him anxious and he needs constant reassurance, so he is hanging on to your mum. Many people at this stage want to be able to see their main carer all the time. Does he also follow her around all the time during the day? He has lost empathy and is unable to see that your mum has needs of her own - he can only see his own wants and needs.

Is the arrangement of you staying with him quite recent? If so, then it might be worth continuing so that he gets used to having someone other than your mum around. The aggression is worrying, though. It would be worth contacting the doctor about this as medication (or change in medication) might help

 

[Kevinl]

Clingy is a word for it, I couldn't be out of my (now late) wife's sight for one minute, even had to use the loo with the door open so she could see me not easy sometimes, however, I could then tell it was her turn and save myself a clean up job.
It is what it and we post on here to share solutions as well as everything else.
Bit different with us being man an wife luckily when it was me and mum she stayed pretty much continent, so I never had to wipe where I came from, thank the lord. K

 

[Ellie2018]

It might be worth a go review, my husband was a but aggressive at his day centre and they put him on mitrazapine, full dose gradually and it’s probably 90% improvement.

 

[Psychstar88]

It sounds to me as though your mum has become your dad's "comfort blanket ", @Psychstar88

His dementia is making him anxious and he needs constant reassurance, so he is hanging on to your mum. Many people at this stage want to be able to see their main carer all the time. Does he also follow her around all the time during the day? He has lost empathy and is unable to see that your mum has needs of her own - he can only see his own wants and needs.

Is the arrangement of you staying with him quite recent? If so, then it might be worth continuing so that he gets used to having someone other than your mum around. The aggression is worrying, though. It would be worth contacting the doctor about this as medication (or change in medication) might help

I completely agree with you that he needs constant reassurance. He wants to be with my Mum all the time and follows her around.
I have been going over to stay with him for a few months now, but before then he was on his own for that morning for about a year. So I think the belief that he is on his own is quite deep rooted.

 

[Psychstar88]

It might be worth a go review, my husband was a but aggressive at his day centre and they put him on mitrazapine, full dose gradually and it’s probably 90% improvement.

im not sure what medication he is on but i'll check with my Mum. Thankyou.

 

[Ellie2018]

im not sure what medication he is on but i'll check with my Mum. Thankyou.

At my husbands day centre, when he first needed the tablets, they said it could take two or three medication changes before you get there, we were lucky it just needed dosage changes. Good luck.

 

[Kristo]

My dad was exactly the same with my mum, if she tried to lock the door when she went to the loo he would go wandering up the street looking for her! I had him once a month so she could have a break but it was really tough and he would constantly ask where she was, then be really rude and sulky with her when she came home. She recently had to have an operation so we booked him into respite, thinking that we would fret and go crazy without her but he surprised us all by settling beautifully - hasn’t once asked when he is going home! I got the ball rolling a few months ago - called social services and got them round to do a care needs assessment on dad (my mum also didn’t want a carers assessment) and we got so much support from them. I don’t think mum had realised how bad things had got until dad was in respite, and now she can’t believe that she kept him living at home as long as she did. It’s hard to be objective about your partner’s needs when you are with them 24/7, sometimes it takes a stranger to open your eyes to what is really needed. Keep nagging your mum to accept support, assessments, etc. x