Accommodating Parents

[Jellybabe]

Hello
Both my parents are living with Alzheimer, ( my dad just being diagnosed). At the moment I’m travelling everyday to take care of them. Both my husband and I are thinking of gradually moving them in with us as we have room to accommodate. They will have company, and we have pets which they both love. I was just wondering if anyone else had been through this and what your experiences were?
I know it won’t be easy, but to be honest things aren’t at the moment with the stress and travel.
Thank you, I look forward to your response.

 

[amIinthewrong?]

I know you mean the best when you say you are thinking of moving them in with you but I advise you to really have a very long think about that,and to have a look on this forum regarding others experiences with living with their parents, it will take a lot of your time and energy to look after two people, I am tried just looking after one person and I'm a young carer, you need to think about the impact on what moving them in will do, I know you mean well but really think about it💐💐

 

[SherwoodSue]

As someone once said, if your plan isn’t future proof, you have no plan
Tough love
You don’t know until you do it whether removing them from their familiar environment will cause a dip in their skills. Could you cope with sleep disturbances, toilet accidents?
I don’t want to be negative but maybe do a trial two weeks first ?

 

[Jellybabe]

I know you mean the best when you say you are thinking of moving them in with you but I advise you to really have a very long think about that,and to have a look on this forum regarding others experiences with living with their parents, it will take a lot of your time and energy to look after two people, I am tried just looking after one person and I'm a young carer, you need to think about the impact on what moving them in will do, I know you mean well but really think about it💐💐

Thank you for your reply, my friends have advised it will be hard work and I wouldn’t have much respite, I just don’t want them going in a nursing home. There both really stubborn and refuse any help from SS, so I’m running around coking meals etc.
Thank you again though and noted. Xx

 

[Gosling]

Hello @Jellybabe . I agree wholeheartedly with @amIinthewrong? . I know absolutely your intentions are sound, but it is a huge step to make and please please do really think about this.
I know you say you do not want them going in a nursing home, but sometimes that level of care is needed to keep them safe. Are you really prepared to put your life on hold? It is a hard decision to take I know only too well, but it was the best thing for my Mum at the time to be in a residential care home. It gets to a stage where it is what the person 'needs' that is paramount, rather than 'wants'.
All I'm really saying is do really really think long and hard. It's not easy any way, and the love for your parents shines through in your post.

 

[amIinthewrong?]

Can you do like internet shopping to get it delivered to them and meals on wheels arranged or take away places? And maybe a cleaner to come round for 1 hour a week just to take the edge off of you having to travel there everyday If they don't let social services help I feel like I can already see how it will go down with them living with you and I don't think it will be in your best interest

 

[Rosettastone57]

Please don't do this. The forum is full of families who have moved parents in with them, only to find they have made a mistake . Everything and I mean absolutely everything will revolve around their needs . Can you cope with disruption at night, incontinence, aggression, being unable to leave them alone for a moment ? Think very carefully.

 

[Jellybabe]

Can you do like internet shopping to get it delivered to them and meals on wheels arranged or take away places? And maybe a cleaner to come round for 1 hour a week just to take the edge off of you having to travel there everyday If they don't let social services help I feel like I can already see how it will go down with them living with you and I don't think it will be in your best interest

I only wish, they won’t agree to anything. Mum says they do the cleaning ( they don’t) refuse meals on wheels, nightmare.

 

[DollyM1]

nursing

I only wish, they won’t agree to anything. Mum says they do the cleaning ( they don’t) refuse meals on wheels, nightmare.

I really think you are answering all your own questions…..if they won’t agree to anything now, they are not suddenly going to change their minds when they are living with you. Sorry, this is not what you want to hear, but I wholeheartedly agree with others who have said don’t do it. My husband suggested that my father came to live with us after his diagnosis and I refused. Hubby thought I was being quite callous I’m sure, but after a few months and realising just how bad Dad became, he realised that I had made the right decision. Please please do read others stories xxx

 

[amIinthewrong?]

I only wish, they won’t agree to anything. Mum says they do the cleaning ( they don’t) refuse meals on wheels, nightmare.

I'm sorry to hear that it really does sound like moving them in would only make it harder for yourself, I feel like you may have to arrange stuff for them even if they don't like it at this point, because otherwise all the care is on you and you will wear yourself out, I mean if you arrange a cleaner go in at the time of appointment and let them in and say you have already paid them for it now, and try to see how that goes down, remember the goal is to ease your workload, so you are going to need to sadly use some tatics and have the mental fortidue of a inpentrable wall in order to get stuff done.

 

[Jellybabe]

I really think you are answering all your own questions…..if they won’t agree to anything now, they are not suddenly going to change their minds when they are living with you. Sorry, this is not what you want to hear, but I wholeheartedly agree with others who have said don’t do it. My husband suggested that my father came to live with us after his diagnosis and I refused. Hubby thought I was being quite callous I’m sure, but after a few months and realising just how bad Dad became, he realised that I had made the right decision. Please please do read others stories xxx

Thank you, appreciate your reply.xx

 

[maggie6445]

Hello
Both my parents are living with Alzheimer, ( my dad just being diagnosed). At the moment I’m travelling everyday to take care of them. Both my husband and I are thinking of gradually moving them in with us as we have room to accommodate. They will have company, and we have pets which they both love. I was just wondering if anyone else had been through this and what your experiences were?
I know it won’t be easy, but to be honest things aren’t at the moment with the stress and travel.
Thank you, I look forward to yourhi response.

 

[maggie6445]

Hello @Jellybabe , I would also ask you to think of the long term implications of moving your parents in with you.
My partner and I were a together apart couple. Been together 20 odd years but maintained our own homes. He moved in with me when he was diagnosed with dementia.
I don't have anyone else to consider but I am finding providing 24/7 care exhausting and I don't work.
Think hard about the strain of caring for two will put on your relationship with your husband . Disturbed sleep and day to to day care means no time for you. It becomes all consuming. I love my partner but I do long for my own life back.

 

[Louise7]

Hello @Jellybabe you've mentioned that you are thinking about gradually moving your parents in with you and your husband. I'm not sure what you have in mind but perhaps try having them to stay with you for a few weeks/months to get a better idea of the impact that this might have on you all, including your pets? As others have said, it's a big step and you have a lot of things to consider, so perhaps a 'trial period' first might help with your decision making.

 

[Fugs]

Hi @Jellybabe . First, I would echo the comments above. Second, I would suggest that your parents aren't going into a carehome until things get a while lot worse. (Because if they don't want carers, they are not going to agree to it)
From experience I would suggest that a crisis will force a decision.
To be proactive, I would recommend that you decide where you might want your parents after that crisis, and check on a few carehomes so that you are able to make a suitable decision when the time comes.
Sorry, from bitter experience it is not fun.

 

[tams717]

Thank you for your reply, my friends have advised it will be hard work and I wouldn’t have much respite, I just don’t want them going in a nursing home. There both really stubborn and refuse any help from SS, so I’m running around coking meals etc.
Thank you again though and noted. Xx

My mum stayed with is for a little while and we did not get any sleep. She constantly paces around the house at night, organising and re-organising things. No concept of lights and night time, will turn them all on.

Always in the bathroom as well, plus when she stayed with my sister, she used her hairbrush to unblock the toilet and ate every single treat food she could find.

This isn't to scare you, just prepare you. You might need to get some child locks, baby gates and make sure the house is fully locked up at night.